Your org: Get all this work done. Also your org: Attend all these video calls. Also: Board meeting. And: Planning retreat.

We're hoping that our new Employee Giving Program will help us avoid layoffs as we head toward the new FY.

We all have to use these fat blue ballpoint pens because they’re the kind our executive director likes.

Every year we will announce a new 5-year strategic plan.

Following an inclusive, iterative process led by a consultant who engages the entire staff, the executive director will ignore everything and write the entire strategic plan over a weekend.

We are offering this mindfulness training in lieu of adequate pay and work/life balance.

I need your feedback on the content of this presentation. Just the content. Colleague 1: Is this our current PPT template? Colleague 2: I’d like to make an argument for two spaces after periods Colleague 3: You should capitalize the word program

As of today, any employee who is not a director will be be a manager.

After the meeting, we'll share notes that will only reflect the opinions of the host of the meeting.

Data are ...

When we say that we're "compiling best practices," what we mean is that we're counting all the ways that you're doing it wrong.

For this year's budget, every staff member will have one week to master an entirely new software that is ever more glitchy and counterintuitive than anything we've ever used before.

Let's make the entire staff go through a comprehensive sexual harassment training in the hope that the one senior team member who everyone knows is the real problem will get the message.

In keeping with past practice, every reimbursement request will be reviewed by someone who hates people.

Staff: I have a PhD in this field and here are 47 papers to back up what I'm saying. Leader: Yes, but first I want to run this by our Boardmember who retired from a different field 11 years ago and isn't remotely up-to-date on current research.

We are making space for a conversation about this important topic, and in this space we will be doing all of the talking.

Everyone else: We did a thing Nonprofit: We conceived, strategized, planned, funded, built, prototyped, piloted, launched, and built grass roots support for a thing

The Vice President of People -- also referred to as the Chief People Officer -- will lead people-focused strategies and initiatives to advance our people-based culture and people's overall success.

Do we still have to email the executive director's son every time we want to change something on the website?

There are donuts in the kitchen. Update #1: There is one gross donut in the kitchen Update #2: There is half a gross donut in the kitchen Update #3: There is one-quarter of a gross donut in the kitchen Update #4: There is an empty donut box in the kitchen

Our new toolkit contains no actual tools. It's a PDF.

We like to say we're nonpartisan to conceal the fact that we're all Democrats from our Republican board chair.

Our in-house counsel has advices us not to do anything, ever.

Our consultant is recommending more consultants.

Now we're at the part of the agenda where the vice presidents give shout-outs to each other.

We remain committed to hiring the best people--and then undercutting them by bringing in consultants for the important stuff.

I am pleased that you are all back to the office three days a week. Be advised that I will be cacooned in my office on calls with the door closed at all times, just as I was pre-pandemic. Nature is healing!

We will fight for our community and our beliefs. Also, we don't feel it is appropriate right now to criticize the federal government during this grant funding cycle4.

With the end of the FY approaching, I think what staff really wants is an outdated proprietary budgeting system that is labyrinthine, counterintuitive, always crashing, and consistently wrong.

Our strategy is to be super strategic and lots of planning.

Due to our policy of not sending fundraising appeals during times of national strife and anxiety, we have not sent any such appeals since February of last year.

Org #1: Our fiscal year is July-June Org #2: Our FY is April-March Org #3: Our FY is Feb-Jan Feds: Our FY is Oct-Sep

Look, you folks are the experts on this subject matter, but my instinct tells me ...

We have urgent, life-or-death issues to resolve in our meeting today, but first I want to complain about the vegan options for lunch.

#1: My commitment is to execute strategy according to our values paradigm in bold pursuit of metrics arrived at through an iterative process. #2: All I asked is where you want to go for lunch.

We are a science-based organization, but sometimes we are also a random-boardmember-idea-based organization.

As of now, we are no longer talking about the vision and leadership of the former CEO whose last day was Friday, and instead lauding the vision and leadership of the new CEO who starts Monday.

Just a quick note that the ED has a few suggested edits to your note on Sally's digital good-bye card.

I feel less bad now about not muting myself before flushing the toilet while on that Zoom call.

All of our member polling tells us to do this one thing, but one of our donors wants us to do this other thing so we're going to do that.

Before I get started on this thing that everyone wants to do, I am going to spend a lot of time finding someone to tell us not to.

The company we've hired to redesign our website doesn't have a website.

We acknowledge that this administration is working to destroy any and all progress we've made on the issues that are most important to us, but we nonetheless are committed to working with them in good faith.

Remember when they gave you free cheese pizza when you came into the office?

We're all fundraisers!

We will only fund you if you can demonstrate that you don't need the money. And if you don't need the funding, then we should probably put that money somewhere it will do more good.

That's an output, not an outcome.

The Frequently Asked Questions in our FAQ have never been asked by anyone.

Today: This brochure is so unprofessional that I question whether you can be trusted with my donation. One month later: This brochure is so slick that it makes me think you don't need my donation.

CEO: I have decided to leave the organization. As I spend time with my family and try to find ways to spend the generous buyout from the board, I will certainly wish you all luck in resolving the difficulties that arose in recent months. I will miss you all!