i can tell im not ready for fancy foods bc i accidentally cooked this pasta perfectly el dente and i am pissed off bc they are Too Hard i am used to my overcooked garbage noodles

ok i was too narrow minded before i was a glacier freeze truther however the other blue variety blue cherry is also fire i have expanded my horizons

me: not wearing a shirt while cooking is intelligent! this way my clothes can't be splattered with oil me when my me is splattered with oil: :C

i spent basically all day playing Strange Antiquities w my friend it was so fun when we accidentally got the secret ending right away bc we are both Insane and Must Solve A Puzzle Or We Will Explode god i love puzzle games i need more. MORE

ugh did not drum for 3 days deeply understimulated i can tell bc i yearn for a recreational facility where you can fight strangers while on crack cocaine however i will do the hinged thing and take melatonin so i can sleep early and drum tmrw instead of ruin my own life ✨ wisdom ✨

fat bear week slightly imba ngl you can’t call one of them “chunk” and the rest of them numbers and then be like “hmm wonder who will win” no the human mind will be biased biased towards the chunk simple psychologie

nobody ever tells you how funny it is on a day to day basis to have no functional memory i rly be out here like “mmm this pepper smells great! BETTER GIVE IT A BIG SNIFF” and then get mad at sneezing about it like that’s not pepper’s main thing

i was thinking as i was in bed that weirdly, one of the experiences i am most thankful for this year is being flat broke i think everyone should get to experience what it’s like to have people help you while knowing you might never be able to repay them

pisses me off how addictive my personality is how i cant go to sleep bc im addicted to being awake 💀 💀 💀 i hate it here

plese..... i want ot eat dirt cup......

one of my favorite genres of song is the one that plays from tape after the concert is over when the band is doing their bow the Aftercare song it’s always something rly peaceful and refreshing

do you have a strong sense of what color cat you would be if you were a cat i'm fairly certain i would be a stripey kind

how quickly i have forgotten the mistakes of my ancestors i was cooking w cinnamon and had some left over on my spoon so i thought “best not waste this” and put it in my mouth

so ive been playing drums for a couple months now and it’s fuckin me up cuz ive never learned something so fast in my life APPARENTLY the way i was taught how to learn just rly didn’t work for me as a person WHO KNEW

a clusterfuck isnt what i thought it was when i was little (a sex act that cannot be comprehended)

i did not anticipate 2025 being “year i spend ungodly amount of time talking to 60 year old men on the internet” but my $1 record addiction has become something of a problem

what i appreciate about the internet is there will be posts like “is lil jon truly lil? is he larger or smaller than the average man” and then there will be a thread like “where are you pulling the data for average size of man?” “which dimension of size are we measuring? volume? mass? height?”

i have this one underwear that has no tag print so i can literally never tell which is the butt side like sticking a fucking usb in every time i try to slide it onto my ass

I invented a new snack I call Ants On A Snow Covered Log It's regular ants on a log but you also add cream cheese, and it's delicious Unfortunately all of my friends call it "Ants On A Cum Log" so unfortunately I have not been able to market my invention

Everytime someone clowns on NASA like "why they send so many tampons for a 1 week space mission" I'm like ok real but. Look in the mirror. Why you pack 50 underwear for an overnight trip You'd be even worse about space "I've never been in zero g. What if it makes me shit myself uncontrollably"

people always share life lessons granny taught them like “life is too short not to do what you love” but they never share equally useful life lessons like “only cut fabric with fabric scissors”

i love it when your friend has great taste in partners and meeting their partner feels like meeting a new friend for free :’)

yes i understand to most labubus are just a gacha fad but look at this image i relate to it on a deep unknowable level it’s me…

humans when they discover anything spreadable: i shall call this a form of Butter

I really love the phrase "thank you for your service" I use it all the time, ESPECIALLY on the internet When a fan painstakingly compiles years info, when people upload rare stuff for everyone to enjoy, when people take the time to share their expertise and answer questions Thank you 🫡

100%!! my friend said sinners had the plot beats of a heist movie more than a horror movie and it absolutely felt like that the heist target wasn’t diamonds, it was one moment to feel free, even while knowing it was borrowed time movie of the year post credit scene made me cry

how did the ancestors invent celery even while im eating celery it doesnt seem edible and yet. i like it do i have pica

it’s been years but that one tshirt that says quentined and tarantined by written directino still pops up in my head constantly

me: bites into tomato my walls: suddenly look like they’re in a slasher film

me picturing soda bottles every time something is measured in liters: wow we really make that much pee per day huh

history food video im watching: soldiers were given one pound of meat per day me picturing four quarter pounders: ah yes i am comprehending perfectly

learning that when cats ears go to the side, they are Upset about something has lead to a 100% increase in me saying "okay why are your ears in the Upset Position" to a cat and it looking at me Upsetly and me being no closer to discerning its inner thoughts

self checkout: ok how much celery do you have me: weighs the celery machine: ok you have 1 pound me: places celery in bag machine: THIEF!! THIEF!! WRONG WEIGHT DETECTED. GUARDS SEIZE HIM me: MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THIS IS THE SAME ITEM YOU JUST WEIGHED. IT HAS THE SAME WEIGHT. DUE TO BEING ITSELF

when i was in college, my friend lara recommended me old spice midnight run "it will have girls all over you" that wasn't rly the vibe i was going for, but the body wash smelled so good!! i bought them in bulk it's since been discontinued i am on my last bottle 😭 pls recommend me a new body wash

the existence of the common usage of the eggplant emoji implies that human lexicon inherently has the need for a "penis" symbol, and in the absence of one, one will arise to take its place in this essay i wi

bro its so fucking hot i feel like my proteins are denaturing im denaturing im denaturing 😭

if you rehydrate milk powder with milk do you get double milk

i do NOT understand what people mean when they say apple products are "intuitive" i still to this day have no idea how to do basic things like edit images i needed to create a text file just now and had to type "touch new_file.txt" in the terminal bc i have no idea where things are T_T

moby dick is short for mobius penis

everyone STOP telling me what yeast is i do NOT want to be conscious of what i am eating!!!!

bro it's so demoralizing when you put your toothpasted toothbrush underneath the water and the glob falls off like the ice cream off that one guy in lilo and stitch

i made a tumblr to specifically glaze the band i like in continuously deranged ways however that's not the point of this tweet the point is the website keeps recommending me beatles lore, which i know nothing about turns out the lore is bisexuality suddenly i am invested

having adhd is so funny cuz ill be like “wow why am i so tired today! body’s acting so weird” and it’s because i instantly forgot i just ran 10 blocks to catch a bus that i am currently physically on

bro the second i got rich rich id start granting wishes like a genie

my FAVORITE warmup to play on them drums is all of emotion by carly rae with 23592375983 unnecessary notes and uncalled for double bass parts maybe i should put this on youtube at some point even though it will make literally everyone upset with me

i think whatever the girl is wearing in portal is the lewk for 2025

is it just me or every time you get a baked potato at a restaurant they severely underestimate the ratio of sour cream that is required

it's so fucking weird feeling like you were built to either do these weirdly specific things or die so... i guess we'll see which one happens but i think at my old age, i can't ever go back i've tasted what it's like to be me and it tastes too sweet to ever give up

naw the thing that fucks me up isn't that no one cares it's that almost everyone cares at least a little bit but everything is set up to make doing anything with that difficult and punishing to me, the best thing you can do imo is remove barriers for people who want to do something!!

ppl are like “aaaaa oh no what if aliens control your mind” but words appear in front of my face against my will i comprehend their meaning against my will and then graphically picture what they are depicting. also against my will so it’s like eh. we don’t need aliens for this 😌