Coworker just upgraded from An iPhone 7 To AN IPHONE 16

There is no greater hamburger of horror and delight than finding a long chin hair during nighttime plucking hours.

All’s Fair really is ultimately just a long Kardashian infomercial tone poem and somehow, despite having no interest in things Kardashian, I love it.

It’s a little funny that there’s such a heightened interest in longevity during such an awful time to be alive

Whoever made the key art for ARE YOU MY FIRST? 🤮 needs a vigorous background check.

I’m having a pressing medical situation that cannot be addressed by emergency care. I have not been able to reach a SINGLE PROVIDER from Cedars Sinai. Just long holds with tinny wait music and no human.

How do you suppose ICE behaved toward TSA agents on their flights out here? They are certainly comprised of a lot of immigrants.

This year I discovered how terrorized I have to feel to fully love all of the Pride well-wishes from pretty much anyone (who isn’t a corporation).

@wnba acting with honor and love by recognizing the 5-year anniversary of losing George Floyd. Thank you @napheesa24 for your dedication.

They did teeth whitening in the @wnba like scoliosis checks in my junior high gym class

No one has really nailed naming a business like the owner of Dress Barn did

I hope everyone who has wanted white pride or straight pride events knows about the Derby! Sure, it’s a LITTLE woke—they’re allowing Catholics now?? Still—a true stronghold. No “I regret my vote” interviews here!

If we can unite against fascism the way we do against Trader Joe’s parking lots, we will really be in business.

Give me Amy Sedaris playing Kim Mulkey in a biopic or give me death.

Can someone please forward the world’s biggest high five to the Dr. Odyssey props department? From the gold forceps to the shark fin, this is elite work!!

Really on-brand that Democrats finally united by hating someone within their party instead of the fascist they should be opposing

Maybe quit “trying for a boy” and “hope for a trans child” you buffoons

So far zero tiny top hats on the red carpet. Disappointing.

Ugh I love the dildonics of the red carpet

Kaitlyn Dever is phenomenal in Apple Cider Vinegar. Just beyond. The whole show is excellent @netflix.com

I have some white friends who have already decided that this works

I want to congratulate everyone who managed not to watch The Substance with a Level 5 Gen X sex nerd

I can’t imagine a more scorching counterpoint to the cowardice of the @nfl removing their toothless “End Racism” than Kendrick’s performance. Just divine.

I Grew Up and Found Out it Was My Soft Skills That Mattered Most

Does anyone know if there’s a bar in Silicon Valley called Tech Tonics

Boldly taking the time during this national crisis to navel gaze and ask myself if I am in fact the world’s biggest dipshit

Whenever I worry I’m lazy I need to remember the weeks of keeping a bottle of lotion upside down and jamming my fingers in for the dregs. The shaking, tilting, and scraping. The patience to fully clear it out, then triumphantly walk it ten pompous steps to the recycling.

My friend’s multi-generational family in Altadena lost everything in the Eaton fire. They are one of the many Black families whose fundraisers are not getting the momentum more resourced people are getting in a matter of days! Let’s help!! gofund.me/6239f543

Here I sit Trying to pee And all I do is burp my face off

A potato samosa from the new Indian market in Grafton, Wisconsin, has flattened my mom and stepdad. TOO SPICY.

I WISH LA was the progressive haven these dummies think it is

Adult professional journalist woman on NBC said that officials are looking to see what caused the fires, including if it’s “an act of God.” How does the Lord start fires and why does this important beacon of spiritual excellence rob so many of their homes

Me, every time I open Wordle: Huh, seems like there aren’t enough letters for “cloaca”

Shoutout from THIS Angeleno to Blue Shield insurance for raising the deductible on my inhaler to $50 from $40 (which already seemed ridiculous) just a month ago. Perfectly synced up with fire season. #EatonFire

Please help my friend Sarah who lost her home and her business in the Eaton Fire in Altadena. gofund.me/28b9096b

If you’re able, please send some support to my dear friends Moira and Sabrina who lost their home in the Eaton fire gofund.me/73c4a0b7

With everything that’s going on, I think it’s time to mention that I will not pay more than $20 for anyone’s used sweat shorts. #sweatshorts

Is the work day starting in bot land? So many kindly geriatric men and bored sexy ladies (the two genders) friending me.

hi! my annual video countdown of the year's best movies will be up on monday, january 13. on the advice of "No Other Land" director Basel Adra, the annual fundraiser i launch along with it is in support of The Palestine Red Crescent Society, and the fundraiser is now live: gofund.me/ae3c2b9f

NOTICE TO THE GREATER MILWAUKEE AREA: my mom just donated my grandpa’s RACCOON SKIN COAT to St. Vincent de Paul.

Definitely excited for season two of Squid Game, definitely noticed there was only one woman in the entire first episode and with her few lines she conveyed that she was a total idiot.

My three spirits are Janet, Chrissy, and Jack.

Gaetz is a garbage can of a human for myriad reasons but paying for sex isn’t one of them. Being an unrepentant bigot is plenty of reason to reject him.

Seems to be an influx of bots today?? Or did a slew of hot ladies and reliable old men just join Bluesky and seek out middle-aged lady writers with strong performance art pasts

I wonder if anyone calls Michael Bublé “Mickey Boobs”

Wait was Dumps really named “Man” of the Year

I imagine there’s someone who has done any weird thing you can think of, which I guess includes slicing a Christmas ham with a table saw.

The second season of Bad Sisters is so wildly fun to watch, and the writing and cast are perfect. I’m devastated that there are only two episodes left. Catch me Lord, catch me!! #badsisters

Let’s go Korea!!!!

Following a garbage truck onto the freeway is a metaphor for something, I’ll think of it