“Applying for my carpenter’s card today, so it’ll be a union job!”

Oh my god guys can you imagine how embarrassed that FBI agent is going to be when he realized he was using a black highlighter on the Epstein files?

At least time they’re being honest that we’re sending the most powerful military on Earth to do the bidding of our corporate fossil fuel overlords

The Vanity Fair photographer from the Susie Wiles story. Holy. Shit. www.washingtonpost.com/style/power/...

The sitting President absolutely could not hold down a job at Taco Bell but for some reason we all have to deal with his shit

I MADE THIS JOKE FIRST CHECK MY TIMELINE

The whole problem here is Democrats are far too polite and Republicans will say shit like “the other side wants the trans immigrants to kill your sister”

I promise to respond to Trump’s death the exact same way he would respond to mine if he knew how I felt about him

Do you think Trump will lose his job for making insensitive comments about the death of someone he disagreed with

So out of useful or meaningful ideas they are going full Hollywood and doing a reboot baby!

I have had many incorrect political takes but back in 2016 my “non-political” friend was like “can you tell me in just a few words why I shouldn’t vote for trump” and I said “because he’s a tremendous piece of shit” and it’s easily the best take I’ve ever had

Feels like we have more than enough foundation to start asking questions like “Mr. President, are you evil?” And “do you think God will forgive you?”

That Trump post about Rob Reiner is going to set some kind of record because not a single Republican member of congress will have seen it

Really not what we come to expect from the FIFA Peace Prize winner

The only way I can retain my sanity is to assume this trailer is a prank because otherwise I might actually go insane over what they have done here

all i'm saying is that there were better options

I like how every time these mergers are announced every regular consumer and major director and producer says “this is bad” but then it just happens anyway and everything gets worse but like 11 people make a bunch of money

I can’t believe we have to do the “we should not do war crimes” argument like every 5 years

My toddler is “picked up a sticker and put it on her hand and then got furious that there was something on her hand” years old

Ever since I learned that one out of every five US adults is functionally illiterate a lot of *gestures at everything* all this makes sense

Lots of good analysis as to way Stranger Things S5 is struggling but they all come down to the same thing: waiting this between seasons is detrimental to a fun creative process and the audience can tell That’s all

He posted this because none of them have loving families to spend thanksgiving with

There’s a lot of folks that joke about how the original Top Gun movie is just teeming with homoerotic energy and they just go on and on about how much sexual tension there is with all the male actors and I’m sitting down and we-watching it now and WOW you were all actually underselling it

Hey how does SpongeBob afford a two story house. He’s a fry cook. Housing market in Bikini Bottom must be insane

We should be pulling these things apart bolt-by-bolt and hurling these things into the sea

So everyone is just insane now huh

It’s wild that the funniest thing I’ve ever read is also the reason I’ll have to kill myself

Media literacy died and satire died right along with it

What a perfect encapsulation of the brain of the Economic Conservative Thinker. “Well yes you were right all along but you were awfully emotional about it. Anyway, I care now because the things I buy are more expensive”

It must be incredible to live the kind of life where this is a thing you even have time to think about

Had to pick up coffee for a bunch of family and one of the coffees was just a plain large black coffee and when I ordered it the barista made it for me without any follow up questions so I think every stand up comedian in their 40s is a liar

MTG went to Congress because she wanted to expose the cabal of pedophile elites running DC but then she found out the cabal of pedophile elites running DC were the people on her side so she just threw her hands up and quit. Incredible moment

I just want one reporter to ask Donald about the Bubba thing. Please. It might heal the nation

If I had a nickel for every time Olivia Nuzzi had an affair with a presidential candidate several decades her senior while also covering that candidate as a “journalist” I’d have at least two nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s crazy it happened twice

So Nuzzi did that really bad profile of Biden and it’s possibly because she found the first major American politician who loved his wife

Olivia Nuzzi’s book is further proof of my own theory that everyone is insane now

I keep imagining Stephen Hawking not knowing what was happening on the island and then one day he comes rolling around a corner and then has to express moral outrage and pure shock but he has to use his little robot vocalizer thing and I know I shouldn’t laugh but

We as a nation need to discuss the serious issue we have with nachos. Folks, the nachos need to be WIDER and not TALLER. if your nachos require me to use utensils you have made a mistake

Best case: The President of the United States knew about a pedophilia ring and did nothing to stop it. Medium case: He also used his office to protect the perpetrators. Worst case: Because he was one of the perpetrators.

Rich people are so accustomed to being untouchable that they’ll write emails like “man all those sex crimes we did last weekend were so fun!” because they assume there won’t be consequences and it turns out they are right! It’s just all so fucking bleak

I was about to be angry at the kid in front of me screaming for no reason but then I remembered what flying with my toddler was like (she was so peaceful and never made a peep and everyone complimented her) and got even angrier

I was mad at United for how they fucked up my travel plans but now I’m coming back from Hawaii on American and they don’t offer real food and they don’t have those screens in the seats so I’m sorry United. I didn’t realize you were actually doing more than the bare minimum

If the airport is open then the stores should be open too, regardless of how early or late

I think we need to bring back DVD commentary but they are all done by Werner Herzog

The longest serving Republican House Speaker ever is a convicted sex offender and the most popular figure in the party today was best buddies with the most notorious sex trafficker in the modern world and somehow it’s not the only thing every Democrat is talking about forever