Remember the #reasonfortheseason. Baron Samedi gave us All Hallows Eve, not All Hallows Steve.

[chopper lands on Violent J's remote farm, where he's chopping wood] "J, we need you for one more mission." "Told the brass when I left, sir. I don't fuk wif dat no more." "The hepatitis monkeys J. we lost one." [dramatic pause] "Woop woop, sir." "Woop woop, soldier." www.wapt.com/article/monk...

The president thinks he wants to start a diarrhea war, but he has no idea of the immense tactical and strategic capability of me and a couple thousand of my IBS comrades after one trip to Arby’s. Good luck, buddy.

A fancy customized pickup just drove by me with a big logo on the side that said “MEGABASS” but the logo was just text and I really think they need to throw a picture of a speaker or a fish in there to avoid confusion.

It's great time to be alive if you're a mediocre white guy who posts like they're Russel Crowe in Gladiator.

Spoiler: T. Ocellus’ full name is Terry Ocellus (I have a friend who works at FX)

Did that thing again where I'm pulling on a sock and my hand slips off and I punch myself in the balls. 0/10 no recommend.

Jags up 10-3 on Carolina and game is delayed due to lightning in the area. If the lightning delay lasts until January 5th, they're in the playoffs.

Sometimes, motorsports gets it. SCCA Solo Nats competitor is protested on Day 1 in a ladies class for being trans. Protest committee rules aggrieved party should get fucked into the sun. Day 2 the rest of class shows support for the protested party on way to her first run. She would go on to win.

“…a picture of the alien, from the movie… Alien.” Oh shit thanks senator I thought it was the alien from Godfather II.

You probably didn’t realize this, but circus peanuts are actually a super food. They’re made from tofu and spider sugar (doesn’t hurt the spiders.)

SCCA Solo Nats Camaro adventure in the books. Shockingly benign when pushed. I coned away a trophy, but that allowed the owner to grab the final trophy spot-HIS FIRST EVER!

Driving this thing at SCCA Solo Nationals and honestly couldn’t be more excited. Took a few shakedown runs today in soaking wet conditions and it’s already created a world-class memory.

My “I was assisting a victim of domestic violence who flagged me down then was walloped by a dump truck” shirt seems to be raising a lot of questions already answered by the shirt.

When you think you want to preen, but you realize your favorite band @health.band is tearing shit up. #cockatoo #goffin

A cool thing about last night online is there’s going to be more of them.

Wow these gummies are really hitting. (*fiber gummies)

Not sure whether I like sushi because it's good or because it's a highly effective delivery method for soy sauce.

1/? Some #muscovy #duck drama 4 your Thurs. We have 12 muscovies. Occasionally the girls nest in my workshop, and we take most of the eggs and eat them (because delish). Tonight as I was working on a project, I hear peeping. A single duckling, from a egg I guess we missed, on a high shelf with mom.

To preemptively answer the PR guy email of the future: if you didn’t want us to track test your truck, why did you give it a track mode?

Really enjoying this game between the Indiana Pacers and the Washington Generals.

A great way to honor the memory and legacy of Anthony Michael Hall would be to adopt the phrase “long lean bone job” fully into the vernacular. I know he’s not dead but it still seems respectful.

The moment Max discovered she likes HEALTH #cockatoo #parrotsky

Someone got mildly sedated today for blood tests and medical exams and she’s really riding the back end of this buzz.

The existence of Vin Diesel implies the existence of Vin Gasoline, Vin Ethanol and possibly even Vin Propane.

Hey NFL: Throwback uniforms are great, so why not throwback fields? Stick the goal posts on the end lines for a couple weeks. Make the Raiders, 49ers and Chargers play a couple games with a full clay baseball diamond on the field. Make the Titans and Rams play on rock hard office carpet.

People assume the C8 Corvette is an impractical sports car, but the ample frunk can store an entire duck.

I don't know where you losers are keeping your money but I'm doing fine over here.

It’s days like this when I’m glad my entire 401k is in ALF pogs.

The Braves are leading the league in producing Dodger highlights.

My most succinct press car review ever

Someone told the Braves that spring training is over and these games count, right?

One of those "Exotic car driving experience" things, but you get to drive a Ford LTD in the L.A. River.

The “o” in “o’clock” stands for “oven” because that’s the only reliable one.

I never want to be the "A thing you like is dumb" kind of guy, but F1 makes that almost impossible.

A thing about me is I experience absolutely no stress whatsoever over people thinking I’m a nazi because I’ve lived my life in such a way that people know I’m not a nazi.

I'm no food scientist, but I'd probably say that, ounce for once, that Papa John's garlic dipping sauce is probably the least healthy food substance on the planet. Eating a cigarette dusted with yellowcake uranium is probably a better nutritional option.

Hi can you tell me where I can register for a vendor booth for this event? I am a professional wallet inspector and would like to leverage your market to promote my services. www.today.com/popculture/f...

Feels like the Chiefs gameplanned to stop Barkley and forgot there were 52 other dudes in Eagles jerseys. Congrats, Philly. May your poles ever be greased.

"Dad is the green bird team winning?" "Yeah buddy they are." "Dad did Saquon get more than 40 rush yards in the first half?" "No buddy. Philly is winning with a suffocating pass rush." "WHAT THE FUCK SAQUON I NEEDED 40 I GOT BILLS HOLY SHIT IF A GUY NAMED TOMMY NO-THUMBS CALLS YOU DON'T KNOW ME"

re: earlier post implying that my cockatoo friends were left-leaning trump haters, I've been informed it's wrong to politicize innocent animals. So here's a regular picture of a male eclectus enjoying a quiet moment in the kitc...oh hang on he just told me he wants to seize the means of production.

I'm trying to turn the conversation somewhere more enjoyable and just post cute bird pics. In that spirit, here's some adorable cockatoos.

The Washington Commanders have won as many playoff games in the past six days as they did during the entire 24 year Dan Snyder era.

I haven't posted enough duck content lately. Just sitting in the garage, watching the Bucs game...

Have all the days for 2025 been announced yet? Need to update my calendar.

Today's daily #duck is sharing the warmth

Today's daily #duck is a visitor! This black-bellied whistling duck flew in and spent the afternoon with our muscovies, having a nosh and bathing in the pond. Very affable sort. Wonder if we'll see him again this winter or if he was just passing through.

Today's daily #duck is coming for your 10mm

Today’s daily #duck is young Milton, who is the only surviving member of his small clutch. He’s growing up strong and healthy, but he has angel wings, which is a cosmetic condition that turns the wingtips outward and makes him look like an F-14.

How about a daily #duck? Sure. Why not.