Well, it turns out I'm allergic to the only drug the treats the parasite, so I'm boiling everything now: lettuce, potatoes, Oreos, bananas, oranges, Coca-Cola, Nerds Gummy Clusters, ice cubes...

“I have chosen this thing to do, away from my family, the doors closed, characters who form in my head and move to the paper, black symbols on a white sheet, no more than that.” ~Larry Brown, ‘On Fire’ #SundaySentence

“The details bloomed all at once, not the way a story usually unfolded, but beginning, middle, and end all at the same time, the way stories happened to God.” ~Gus Moreno, ‘This Thing Between Us’ #SundaySentence

“Manhattan does not lie in an earthquake zone, but there is always the possibility of nuclear war. Short of that, nothing you can imagine would alter the publishing schedule.” ~Jay McInerney, ‘Bright Lights, Big City’ #SundaySentence (s)

It's taken years of practice, but I've finally mastered 'lucid screaming,' in which I'm in complete control of whatever I'm screaming about.

Overheard at an Athens, GA restaurant counter yesterday: Worker: "How's it going?" Customer: "Well, I just got out of jail, so pretty good, I guess."

'Old Yeller' is an incredibly sad movie. 'Old Shouter,' while also sad, is somehow less so.

So, Obama’s deal with Iran, but more expensive for the US? 🤔

Today I learned that Squidward was in his 40s during the show. It makes sense somehow (me being in my own 40s now), but I guess I'd never really thought about it before.

Wait, so Sigourney isn't even her real first name??

I'm giving a reading this Friday with some other Athens writers. Come see us at Rec Room Books at 6:30!

Not much lowkey slaps these days, and I'm feeling pretty mid about it.

Athens, Georgia will soon have a professional indoor (American) football team, and in the vein of celebrating the Athens music scene à la the Rock Lobsters in pro hockey, I’m really hoping that this new team is called the Shiny Happy People.

I was sitting on my balcony just now with Mouse, and a guy I don’t know was walking in with a bunch of groceries said, “That seems like a really chill cat!” And I said, “Yeah, he is. His name’s Mouse.” “Hey, Mouse,” the guy said. And yeah, I’m very lucky.

I'm wanting to make the Kool-Aid pineapple slices now.

YouTube keeps recommending that I watch the Met Gala live. Why would I want anything to do with an event that costs $100k to attend? Why?? How out of touch does a society have to be to think I care about any of this??

“To be declared a genius at one thing is to begin to believe you are a genius at everything.” ~Noah Hawley, “What I Learned About Billionaires at Jeff Bezos’s Private Retreat” from ‘The Atlantic’ #SundaySentence

My barber this morning: "Sorry for blowing all the cut hair off you all the time. I just hate hair so much."

Sorry I can't hang out tonight. I've got too many situations to monitor.

Is this for real???

Costco annual membership: $65 or $5.42/mo. Eating only Costco hot dogs every month (4 hd's/day at $1.50/hd): $180/mo. $185.42 for food per month for the rest of my life. I think I've figured this out, y'all.

My daily self-care routine has me exhausted.

I'm loving that "popesplaining" is now a word.

I just read a typo in the word "caffeine" making it "coffeine," and now I'm thinking that, well, maybe that's how we should be spelling it.

Earlier today, I watched an Instagram Reel that was teaching me how to jump start a car's dead battery with a piece of rope, but only if I pushed my car off a cliff first, and I think I might have a lawsuit on my hands.

My 77-year-old dad, over dinner tonight: “I think I’m going to become an influencer, but I need to decide what kind.” Me: “You should be a looksmaxxer.” My dad: “No, I’ve already achieved that.”

I just got a rejection for a short story I submitted to a journal four years ago.

I’m again being invited to random, anonymous local orgies on MeetUp. The US is truly in free fall.

I’m living through a genocide-threatening president, a wider than ever wealth gap, and a criminally awful administration, and yet I’m also trying to manage a writers’ workshop for locals in an allegedly haunted 200-year-old house. Honestly, bring on the ghost. Please. We need it now.

So it’s Taco Tuesday? I mean, 1. phew, but 2. what a horrifically dangerous jackass we have in charge.

April is the coolest month.

I keep forgetting that NASA is sending people to the moon today.

Corporate newspeak has shortened "reschedule" to "resch," and it's driving me up various walls.

I’m booksmaxxing this weekend.

I'd like to teleport to a Waffle House right now. Is there anyone in FEMA who can help me with that?

Why is Wayfair selling a blackjack table for babies?

I’ve just learned that Athens, Georgia, USA has a car wash that doubles as an antique shop.

If I were the McDonald's CEO, I would've shoved that whole thing in my mouth at once.

Sorry I didn't email you back sooner -- I was having play time.

The University of Georgia has long hosted a chapter of the Demosthenian Society—a prestigious debate club, as per its namesake—but I want to start a chapter of the Diogenesian Society, which is all about criticizing everyone, never bathing, defying societal norms, and living out of an old barrel.

“The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today.” ~Seneca the Younger, ‘On the Shortness of Life’ #SundaySentence

In America today, the plants crave electrolytes.

Bad news for the state of Georgia! The season is such that we now have to address The Pollening.

Thinking of proposing an AWP panel for next year called, "Kids These Days: Am I Right?" It'll just be five writers harping about looksmaxxing, aura, 6-7, things being mid, and so on. Let me know if you'd like to join!

Everyone should be worried because I'm working tirelessly to invent three-factor authentication.

The genius business model of Apple is that once or twice a month, they'll just email you a receipt for like $0.99 for something you didn't even know you were paying for.

I just heard someone use the word "brotesque," and now I'm going to start using it, too.

When I donate my body to science, science will immediately advance by at least several hundred years.

America hungers for a remake of Teen Wolf 2 with Timothée Chalamet playing the teen wolf.