I'm loving Fat Bear Week, but when does Thicc Elk Week start?

Is anyone available to pimp my ride?

Well, I thought I was getting raptured earlier, but it turns out I was just hearing an electric BMW backing up behind me.

Why does the Rapture have to be today?? I’ve got so many meetings. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it, y’all.

Beware the deepfake AI video of me ordering a cute frog-themed cake at a Kroger bakery that's been going around online. When in doubt, remember: I never shop at Kroger.

I so appreciate Aaron Parnas’s news coverage on social media, but dude’s like a one-man 24 hour cable news network. I learn just about everything from him before I get it from anyone else. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s impressive.

Me at the coffee shop this morning, accidentally sounding like Eminem while placing my order: “And can I get a little cinnamon in it? And what’s the limit?”

Mouse (my cat) was playing so hard with one of his toys just now that he knocked over a rocking chair in my living room.

The next season of White Lotus should be set at a La Quinta Inn outside Branson, Missouri.

If you’re not familiar with the name Horst Wessel, now’s a good time to look him up. Stay safe out there, y’all. We are waist-deep in dark territory.

Need some book advice -- your favorite dystopian and/or post-apocalyptic books that have come out in the past ten years?

I've never had "the vapors." I think I'd like to experience that at least once.

Well, I've done it. I've joined a psychologically stable clown posse.

Might as well just call it the Ministry of Peace at this point, but whatever.

I just checked my home pet monitor camera, and my cat is going absolutely bananas with his toys, all by himself. I've taught him so well.

Will the Rizzler continue to rizz when he reaches full maturity?

Yes, I'm on Threads. No, I don't ever look at it. I'm too busy checking my accounts on Shloob, Bang, and Tweedle.

The rabbit from Donnie Darko was the original Labubu.

I’m at DragonCon cosplaying as Willy Loman, and once again, no one seems to get it.

The world is a glampire, Sent to train…

“Our society has become so much more interested in information than in wonder, and I think that’s a real problem. The people who’ve affected me most are the ones who’ve given me silence.” ~Fred Rogers

Today I learned that “A Santa lived as a devil at NASA” is a palindrome.

I’m starting to think I might be malevolently possessed by Squidward.

My cat, Mouse, bites me all the time, but not very hard. This morning was different, however, so I've taken to calling him Bitey Mouse.

Whenever somebody knocks on my office door from now on, instead of my usual, “Come in,” I’m going to shout, “Hark! Who goes there?!”

Any tips for explaining Lynch's Mulholland Drive to my cat? He's not really getting it so far.

The older I get, the longer it takes to enter my birthdate on websites.

An old friend of mine just sent me this, saying that it made him think of me.

One of my coworkers has brought a dog into the building, and everybody's losing their minds over it. (I am, too.)

The students are back!

I'm sorry...what?? www.thedailybeast.com/white-house-...

Going to the barber shop and asking for the "Ibiza Final Boss"

FIVE servings? In THIS container??

Overheard from our IT services office just now (spoken by our building's IT rep): "I HATE COMPUTERS!"

I love the algorithm I’ve created.

“Yeet” is in today’s NYT crossword puzzle!

I keep getting catfished on Venmo and ending up with products and services I don’t need or want.

Wanna feel old? People born in 1855 will turn 200 in just 30 more years.

Can we just have a quiet, laid back Burning Man this year? Is that so much to ask?

Sometimes my mind feels like a junk drawer.

My dad says that if you wear your keys hanging from your belt, carry a clipboard around, and look up at the ceiling a lot, people will allow you to enter literally any room on a college campus.

There is too much information. This needs to stop.

There is too much heat outside. This needs to stop.

A student just wrote to me saying that she's interested in the "spicier sciences". What's a spicy science??

I think it speaks to my middle-aged status that my favorite Christmas gift from last year remains a pair of high-end Japanese nail clippers.

I love how when I board my cat at Kitty City, they address him by his full government name.

“When our machines overtook us, too complex and efficient for us to control, they did it so fast and so smoothly and so usefully, only a fool or a prophet would have dared complain.” ~Simon Ings, quoted by George Dyson, in ‘Turing’s Cathedral’ #SundaySentence

Can we, as a society, please stop talking about corn sweat?

Chuck Mangione?? Aw, man… 😢

I walked on the beach today, just after a storm had blown off toward the west.