I don’t get why some people say Trump is s criminal. It should be everyone saying this.

The man who robbed 6 ice cream stands has now been taken into custardy.

Costello: Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Abbott: No no, Who's on first.

Chapter 10 of "How To Build a Successful Business" was both fascinating and informative. Can't wait to see what chapter 11 has in store.

If my grandmother had wheels she'd be awesome.

She wrote Sam on my Starbucks cup instead of Rich. How can she get that so wrong, I thought, till I got home & realized I didn’t order anything.

He's not sleeping, he's just resting his lies.

Just wait till Trump learns he can get a disability check for his mental illness.

I just got nominated to do the 10-Day Woman with a Dog, Baby and Pink Firearm in a Bathtub Challenge. Every day for the next 10 days, I will select an image of a woman with a dog, baby and pink firearm in a bathtub and post it. That's 10 days, 10 pictures, 10 nominations and no explanations.

On this date in 1978 the internet was invented by Luther J. Internet.

I just opened Waze and the voice said, “Ahh, another five minutes.” Then it rolled over and shut itself down.

Horror films I'd love to see: Nosferathree The Excersist Midsomar’s Eve The Amityville Deli Drag me to Burbank Frankenstein’s Cousin Rosemary’s Baby Wipes Night in the Living Room A Craft Fair on Elm Street Don’t Go Into the Bathroom An American Werewolf in Traction The Texas Chainsaw Repair Shoppe

#TBT #1975 If they invent a Time Machine, you go back and kill Hitler. I’m going here:

Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward’s pronouns are She & Him.

There are more bad guys in the Trump administration than there were in Spiderman 3.

#FlashbackFriday #FF #1961

Somewhere a guy named Kenneth knows the frequency but no one ever asked him.

I believe Stephen Schwartz was only 18 years old when he started scoring Pippin. The lyrics included words like defilade, roue, catarrh and pelf.

Trump saw the world as a giant game of Monopoly, from owning hotels to picking get out of jail free cards. But now, it seems, he sees the world like a giant game of Risk.

“Done there, been that.” – Shirley MacLaine

BREAKING: Trump drafts Executive Order to remove The Flintstones from all media platforms because they claim you’ll have a gay old time.

What so proudly we failed...

Marty DiBergi would have been 79 today. 🥲

Listening to the German cast of A CHORUS LINE. Now I know how to say “When am I gonna grow tits?” in German.

#TBT 1964. 18-year-old Donald Trump cries in the theater when Goldfinger dies.

And not so proudly we hailed...

Apparently, the prize in a box of Cracker Jacks nowadays is the lone peanut.

#TBT1992 My GET A LIFE script got me a lot of meetings back in the day. If they reboot it I am ready.

I guess it went something like this - The Devil: “I’ve not been to Georgia in years. Think I’ll head over there.”

That little prick Haley Joel Osment could've told Bruce at the start. Instead he was all dramatic & shit for an hour and a half just to punk him.

“Boop boop bah boop boop when I want to.” –Rose Stone, HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME

"Rich, what happened in your childhood that made you so neurotic today?"

Bad Bunny should do a live TV concert as counter-programming to Trump's State of the Union address next week.

My new hobby is reading the lyrics to Rolling Stones songs to find out how many words I’ve been singing wrong my whole life.

I was watching about 10 gorillas at the zoo, and totally missed the basketball player enter the cage, dribble for a bit, then leave.

I can't remember anything that happened in the movie Memento.

Minnie Driver’s middle name has got to be Van, right?

"But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top." Man, Cole Porter was into some cool shit.

"It will be the kiss by which all others in your life will be judged...and found wanting."

Mary's not thrilled with ICE in her town.

When my printer goes into self-cleaning mode, it sounds like the opening drums from Steely Dan’s BODHISATTVA.

I even have trouble calling him Resident of the United States.

Boo Radley is just Alabama for Bradley, no?

If you have a 2026 bingo card just throw it away. You won't win.

I still have like, a ton of figgy pudding left, if anyone wants to come over.

It's a good thing people don't know they're allowed to tell each other how they feel. Otherwise, there would be no romantic comedies.

Let's talk healthcare. On the show Mayberry RFD, Howard’s deviated septum operation and overnight stay at the hospital cost $75. Goober and Emmett complained it was too much.

My best guess regarding Charlie Kaufman’s next film: A remake of “It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World” where are all the characters are named Leo Durocher except for the dentist, who is named Leon Durocher...and all the characters are played by Amy Adams's neighbor.

Coppola purposely put in that shot of Sonny’s punch missing Carlo by 7 feet because there is no such thing as a perfect movie.

My mind drifted. Did he say he would run another country or ruin another country?