Today, I went to pick up a clump of hair off the carpet. But clump of hair was not a clump of hair. Clump of hair was an alive brown recluse. How is your day going?

Just because #Christmas is over now doesn’t mean you have to stop LUSTING over Santa Clause. Show the world that you aren’t ashamed to think that Santa is STILL SEXY in the #NewYear by streaming our newest holiday-skate-punk-smutpiece “Christmas Seed” all January long: linktr.ee/pbntat

Guys, it’s New Year’s Eve! I LITERALLY haven’t taken my psych meds ALL YEAR!! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I once watched someone walk into a vegan biscuit store holding a vinyl record. Sometimes life doesn't feel real. #existentialism

Not to brag, but I showed my physical therapist our music and he said “it’s not my regular style but the chorus is catchy.” #SuccessStory #FromRagsToRiches #BeforeTheyWereFamous #LocalBands

This guy hates us and doesn’t want you to listen to our new album. Please listen to it anyways. Link in bio. #Zucked #Censorship #ReallyGoodAlbum

The vet clinic in De Soto, KS looks like it was built out of Lincoln Logs. I didn’t take a picture so you’ll have to take my word for it. Remember to like and share. #LincolnLogs #DeSoto #Kansas #FunnyPost #LOL

Imagine Dragons? If the 5th one ain’t lucky, I’m not going to imagine jack shit. #LuckyDragonArmy

My heart's left ventricle is a fortress. #WorkingHard

Boy, howdy! The evangelical crowd sure is in panic mode right now. I don’t personally believe in the #rapture, but if I did, I sure wouldn’t risk making the Lord angry by disobeying his teachings. But hey, that’s just me.

Thinking about the time my coworker asked to put on an album at work and then cried all day because the album reminded him of his ex but he wouldn't let us take the CD out. #sad #thebluealbum #weezer

People don't respect my art because I'm sensitive and kind. #Sensitive #Kind

She’s normally kinda shy. Who wants to hear it live? #InTheStudio #DIYpunk #Cover #WisdomToothExtraction

the sky is always bluer on the other side ;D #funny #joke #comedy #talentedandhot