Really thinking about instituting a “Chump of the week” at work

Thoroughly enjoying the Humble Offering newsletter from @eliyudin.com to the point where I let out an “oh yay!” when I see it in my inbox on Mondays. www.humbleoffering.com/i-am-a-snow-...

Surprised Mountain Dew doesn’t have a dating app called Dew-gether.

Had a root canal this morning and then a cop told me my break lights were out on the way home, but today is a wonderful day. Wordle 1,682 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Doctors offices love hexagon tables.

I just wanna talk about Bone Temple.

Really leaning into getting the names of things kinda wrong, so I’m gonna go see Skeleton Church tonight.

[laughing anxiously] can’t wait for tomorrow!

Sick and watching The Batman

Here’s the pitch- Dune, but with Donald Duck.

Jurassic Park is supposed to be an island full of female dinosaurs, but I didn’t see any of them with a Jansport backpack 👎🏻👎🏻

-bright copper kettles -warm woolen mittens -spending $40 in first aid stuff because I never know what I have in the cabinet and my finger is fucked right now -cream colored ponies

Ritz crackers, peanut butter, mini chocolate chips

Just a heads up if you go to see Song Sung Blue the theater will be full of old people that will cheer and boo at the Melania movie, so to cut the tension I recommend farting really loud.

Everyone loves it when I say “Till death do us part” with a mouth full of popcorn

Still wild that Potter, Schade and Thiago are all 24

Rick James in the studio at the mixing board, punches the air “Now THAT’s the Jingle Bell Rock!”

You know I got those Dick facts

I hope Jehovahs Witnesses can celebrate Toyotathon

Working on a Christmas stand up persona called Abby-nezer where all of my crowd work is asking women if they bought the prize turkey hanging up at the Poulterers on the corner or is that their husband

I really do need tiny cans of Waterloo.

Glad I got big feet 'Cause they're so good for dancin' Glad you got big legs 'Cause they're so good when we're romancin' You still got the flavor And I'm hungry for your love So I'm gon' play this one jam That'll make you wanna kiss somebody

I think we deserve to know who is actually giving new cars as Christmas presents.

For a minute I thought Kayode was gonna throw it right into the net for a goal

There’s gotta be a Unitarian Church out there putting on a PeeWee’s Christmas Special pageant and I’m gonna find it.

Turns out no one I work with has seen Arrested Development so I should probably stop saying “What a fun sexy time for you!” before someone tells HR.

Had a nightmare that I had to go to a wedding and all the clothes I had with me were random dresses from an antique mall that still smelled musty and were missing buttons/had tears. Right before I woke up I decided I would go with a black and white print high collared 70’s victorian dress.

Love a Christmas song with backing vocals that go CHRISTMAAAAAS CHRISTMASAAAS CHRISTMAAAAAS

Learning Swedish is pretty fun, if only for the thrill of knowing the names of stuff at Ikea. My latest favorite is a duvet cover called Hamnsenap (port mustard).

Wendy’s Carvers💕

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (everybody kiss somebody) m.youtube.com/watch?v=ezZf...

Mrs Claus like 🤶🏻 “I know a guy who is at his Limit…”

Mountain Dew should have a Christmas song.

What do you mean there isn’t a Imax 3D showing of Nuremberg??

I’m a sucker for a Baroque/Broke pun and boy did I fully laugh out loud when I saw the name of the new TBTL episode. Thanks bros @lukeburbank.bsky.social @walsh.bsky.social

I’m a roast comedian but only for making fun of flatware at Crate&Barrel via text with my sister.

Going on record as wanting a Matteo Lane and Nick Smith Christmas album.

People love the way she says Hamnet

Lablubloods- Labubus with Tom Selleck mustaches

I’m a Luddite for cars with real keys.

I love that I live in a time with a Price Is Right channel. I don’t love that it plays the same 8 commercials over and over (one of them being a “thank your congressman” ad). But I have grown to love the Lenovo jingle/audio branding.

Gonna be salty about that bullshit yellow on Ouattara all day.

I don’t know who the hell I thought I was when I bought four bunches of spinach.

Every time I see the trailer for The Bride! I crack up at Christian Bale saying “Till death do us part”

I usually dress up as a beatnik for Halloween at work and every year no one knows what a beatnik is so I might go a little more current this year and dress up as the Soy Bomb guy.

It would be a little funny if protein powders accelerate the decline of society.

How do I stop saying “See ya!” to people I will never see again?

Reese’s Oreos are incredible.