My wife found out the fastest I've ever driven and is mad at me for something I did 22 years ago.

Wife: Why is our three year old so full of rage?! Are you that angry? Me: (Tells the screaming in my head to shut up) I'm sorry to break it to you but...

I love that in same day I tell people in their 20s that it's ok to lie to their parents if it makes their lives easier then go home tell and my children that we always tell mom and dad the truth.

Whenever I talk to young kids about their nights out I'm always going WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T THROW UP IN SOMEONES YARD AND RUN FROM THE COPS?! I'm starting to realize that maybe I was the problem...

The shower is the only non-toilet room that humans regularly urinate in and I am looking to change that. In this paper I will ...

I don't clean the counters and do the dishes because doing so means my wife will let me see her naked. I do it because if it's not done she gets frustrated and when she's frustrated there's no chance of seeing her naked.

Every time I see an armadillo I think, "That can't possibly be real. I am imagining a thing that does not belong in this world."

It's been an incredibly weird week. I'm going to be the leader for an international work program, we got a used car loan for 0% interest, and my friend asked if I wanted to bang his wife.

Love is watching the person you live with loading the dishwasher and not murdering them for doing it wrong FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME!

Wife said when she worked with (insert ethnicity) their uncle had a garden. I said, "On brand," and my wife asked why. I responded, "Basic racism." My wife then said she wished she knew what peppers they grew. I asked if the pepper on my phone screen was it. She was shocked. I said, "Basic racism."

I want to apply to jobs I'm insanely qualified for and have the email [email protected] just to see if I get contacted.

As I put on my lifting shoes while psyching myself up with rock from 2001 I looked up into the mirror and saw a 40 year old. It freaked me out

Without thinking I farted in the elevator at work and left wordlessly. This is why I can't be unemployed for long periods. I turn feral.

When I was a teenager I wanted so badly to get jacked. Now as an adult I realize all those jacked people were on drugs and I have crappy genetics.

I've been in many meetings arguing the difference between should and shall and every one of them ends in "Shut up, Kyle."

A excerpt from email I sent today: Below are pictures of the material with higher perpendicular forces put upon it. I did not have to use my massive man muscles to do this. The meter on the hand tensile tester read: Just A Little Bit.

I had a dream that my wife asked if she could show me her vagina and it opened like The Predators mouth. In case you are wondering what kind of person you follow, dream me was not mad.

I don't clean the kitchen counters so much because my wife is more likely to have sex with me. I do it because she is less likely to yell at me and by proxy also more likely to have sex with me.

I wonder what will happen to fiber brands after all the generation men whose bitch wives make them eat a vegetable once a week die

I never think I'm on a spectrum until I'm in the room with a bunch of chatty people and I fake a phone call to get out of there.

Explaining to people how I went from molecular biologist to engineer at a flotation device company is usually a longer conversation than I want to have.

Thanks to years old advice from @nealrogers.bsky.social we signed our daughter up for summer camp seconds after the portal opened. This is just a Neal appreciation post.

I got told that the people in the factory were starting to ask if I'd lost my mind. I said to the messenger that, "Those questions stopped bothering me a long time ago."

Me every time something may be dry ice: Is this dry ice? (Grabs it) Ow. Yup. It's dry ice.

Wife: I thought you were done with coffee. Me: (hisses and pulls cup to chest)

Job I've been at for three days: We need someone to leak test the military spec search and rescue suit. Me seconds after they take me out of the tank: Was I not supposed to go to the bathroom in this? Because I did.

I love the concept of Russian dressing because I know some housewife in the 40s wondered how to get her husband to eat a salad without him slapping her so she put mayo, ketchup, and relish on the greens.

I just farted so percussive that I woke my wife up. I haven't been this proud of myself in years.

The secret to making meatballs of any kind isn't so much the ingredients imagining you are mom of five with enough meat to feed a family of three.

My wife has been pretty upset at me lately. I'm going to suggest she go hang out with her friends so she can hear about their husbands. That always improves things for me.

A friend once told me I could never move to the Midwest because I'm kind but not nice and they would burn me at the stake. I've never felt more read.

If you go to the dentist next week and the phrase palatal bruising gets said I want you to know that your dentist is calling you a whore.

No parenting book prepared me for children just randomly yelling sentences in their sleep. It's absolutely terrifying and I am upset that I was not warned.

Upon bringing the kids home this evening my wife announced, "Our daughter has pants covered in pee but it's not her pee." I responded,after a pregnant pause, "I'm not mad. I just need to know how."

Reading old Steven King novels is fun because you can really tell how much cocaine he was on at any given part of the novel.

Watching football for the commercials is the same as watching porn for the plot.

Welcome to my who gives a shit who gives a fuck bowl party. Your invite was lost by proxy of never being sent. Stay home and read a book.

I want you to know that you follow someone who just took two slices of pizza and put an egregious amount of ham between them to make a sandwich. This is a cry for help.

Everyone in the house except for me is puking and pooping themselves. For the first time I truly understand the plot of The Thing.

It took me years of therapy to realize that I wasn't the what will he do next friend. I was the will we get arrested friend.

Sometimes I think about how I dated someone and their family LOVED me. So much that they asked me to be in their Christmas photo that year. I tried to decline but they insisted. We broke up six months later. Badly. They had a wall of family photos through the years. I wonder if that pic is still up.

During stretching a football coach used to yell "HAPPY HUMP DAY, GENTLEMEN" every Wednesday which always resulted in some light air humping but one day it resulted in a guy humping another, then another joined... And another... Pretty soon it was a giant mock fuck pile. Coach never said that again.

Sometimes I forget to take my meds and when I realize I think maybe I'm better and don't need them. Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!

Logs on Sees collective screaming. Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.

I'm rereading a Star wars novel I really enjoyed in middle school and so can't help but realizing how fucking lame I was on middle school.

I was reflecting on a time with an ex when I gasped and realized that I'm the bad guy in all my ex's stories. Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories. It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...

My wife will see me naked and ask, "Why is it so weird looking?" I've come to accept after all these years that she's asking about penises in general and not mine specifically.

How did my friend become my girlfriend and then my wife? Well she was hung over one day and I brought her food. Then I brought her food again after. Then she just kept coming back. What I'm saying is if you feed an outdoor cat eventually you have a cat.

People always ask me how much we purchased our house for and my response is always, "Uhhh... Money?"

Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.