My wife: I can't believe how often I find myself lately agreeing with the things (a dumbass) says. Me: Sometimes a broken clock is right seven times a day.

Me making mashed potatoes: (Heavy breathing) They will drink more butter...

"How DARE you!" -Me when someone asks me if I did something that I've definitely done

I found you attractive at your least muscular and will find you attractive at your most muscular... Which we both know isn't much different. -My wife, the killer

I decided I needed to change my life a year ago so I started eating right and lifting weights again. After a year I'm happy to report that one can barely tell I've made an effort.

At checkout there was a mother with toddler ahead. The toddler was helping mom and saying bye bye to everyone. From behind me I heard a woman say, "So cute." I turned on reflex and saw a woman in her 20s. She was buying a water bottle and Plan B. Not shaming but maybe keep that comment inside, ma'am

I always consider it a personal tragedy that obsession drove me to get to as physically fit as genetics would allow me but my genetics are crap so it wasn't really that good.

I'm just going to go online and take a peek at what... Nope. I've had enough.

Needed to fill out my kindergartens reading log so I read her the script to Saving Silverman.

My friend casually asked me what having a concussion was like so I got to tell her what having two in a short period of time was like... Then I realized I'd actually had three... This explains a lot about why I'm like this.

Before sunrise my two years old woke me up by yelling, "I DON'T WANT TO," from their room then went back to sleep. Nothing but respect, kid. Wish I could do the same.

Every time I hear Godsmack I think of when I was a big fan and say, "I wish someone told me therapy was an option."

My wife is currently mad at me and on a work call in the back yard. Do I press my genitals against the window?

My buddy and I have had a game for decades where if we see someone on TV who's not alive we try to be the first to yell, "DEAD!" Many people texted me jokes today about Hulk Hogan dying but that particular buddy was of course the first one.

Any time I want to blow old white people's minds I serve them food that's been seasoned with onion powder. Never fails.

Stich is an alternate universe Mewtwo. I'll be taking no questions. Thank you.

The biggest challenge in my life is when my wife shows sexual interest in me in the morning and I have to figure out how not to upset her for the rest of the day. I'm very annoying. It's almost an impossible task.

The concept of modern movie theme songs is odd. Here is a piece of art from a different medium that has nothing to with this other piece of art and is shoehorned into the closing credits. You're supposed to associate these two for forever now.

Its recently bothered me that it's aerobic and not airobic. I'll be taking no further questions.

If arbor day did fireworks there would be a lot more environmentalist.

With great joy I got to tell the family that the turtle in the backyard was a Costal Plain Cooter.

Every July I like to remind the family of how I went to a bratwurst festival and without knowing casually tied the extended family record for most brats eaten in a day. The only reason I didn't break it is because I wanted to switch to eating ice cream at 6pm.

Cherry lime cobbler with a brown butter toasted oat crumble topped with triple vanilla ice cream. This experiment turned out perfect.

My wife was on a call with her boss when she said, "Excuse me but Kyle just walked in with no pants on and a leaf blower. GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!" I said, "You're her boss. Can I turn it on?" Being in a relationship with me is hell.

My watch calculator my HRT score and it told me I was a disappointment to my ancestors.

As I was winding down for bed tonight I was struck that my harmless shenanigans once led me to spending 20 hours in jail with a legit murderer. Surprisingly, despite having just stabbed his friend to death that man was quite nice.

I love that there's a sauce for duck that is basically just juice from industrially compressing the duck carcass.

In 2001 my mom bought a severely discounted 1999 stuffed animal easter basket from The Disney Store. I asked her why she was buying that and said it would rot in a closet. She said she would maybe give it to my kids some day. We both laughed. A lot. In 2025 I gave my kids the animals. Damn you, mom

I love having friends in research and development. I work in manufacturing/reality and they develop processes using acids so strong they will remove all the calcium from your bones. Then they act like it's entirely normal for them to use that and like it will ever be used in mass production.

I'm just a boy. Standing in front of risotto. Drinking wine straight from the bottle.

One of my favorite HS memories came from after HS when the wrestling coach told me kids/bullies asked him about me and the coach told them, "I cannot stress this enough: The only reason he hasn't murdered you is because he knows if he does he can't wrestle. Please do not bother him."

One of the best parts of social media is when you get suggested to follow your friends thirst trap follows. It's nice to know what my extended friends like.

I was washed over with the memory today that I came in third place for prom queen my senior year. At voting time a kid randomly said he was going to vote for me for prom queen. I said it was funny and do it. The kid was popular and it took off.

If all goes wrong for me my back up plan is to move to anywhere in Europe and open up a taco shop to make the most mediocre tacos but I'll be the best in the area because none exist.

Kyles are cursed at birth to exist as beings between the light and the dark which makes us hated by both worlds yet we are forced to live in them. Our burden is to find a home that we know is not out there. That is why we punch so many holes in walls

My favorite juxtaposition of engineers versus chemists is when an engineer brought us a foreign material to test. While we debated what it was and how to test it the engineer light it on fire and said, "It's not nylon. We don't have to test for that."

For the last two decades if I have been doing something I'm not supposed to or generally causing chaos and have to sign a name I have been using the pseudonym of Jeniqia Sanchez. If you've seen this name I'm sorry. I was bored and needed entertainment.

I will never stop saying that leaded gas is the reason for all of our problems.

I'm listening...

I prefer not to call it hitting rock bottom. In this house we call it emotional spelunking.

At 6:10 in the morning my one year old decided he wanted to listen to Chappell Roan and I was not upset.

Me: I got that dog in me. Wife: Are you fu... Me: Unfortunately that dog is Pluto. Wife: Oh... Yea.

Found a polka dot wasp moth. Needed to share.

Me friend said things sucked concerning current events. I reminded him that I live in a self imposed bubble and the most current event I've found is pornhub is blocked in my state.

Hearing Kids Bop Hot To Go gave me whiplash

What I miss about being a drunk was the adventure of What Will I Get Away With This Time?! Now I'm just the guy who says inappropriate things who can't blame it on the drinking.

How long will it be until we find out Sabrina Carpenter is dating Pete Davidson?

At the height of my drinking I was on my way to a friend's Montauk beach house when I realized I hadn't eaten. Like a responsible adult, I went to Wendy's and bought $15 worth of chicken nuggets. I had $25 on me. Later, coke was offered to me if I had $20. Wendy's saved me from a coke addiction

My favorite moment of the year was when I had a testicle infection and the doctor gave me an antibiotic but warned me that people who take this are linked to blown Achilles tendons.

I've hit the age where I've let my previous grudges and anger go. Except for you, Makenzie Stevens. I hope you have genital herpes.