Me [picks up rock]: hell yeah

Smell my shirt, smells bad

Me [flailingly wildly in public pool, gasping for air] Lifeguard [still sitting in his raised chair]: do you know how to swim? Me [gulping water]: no lol Lifeguard: lol

Me [driving car to go anywhere]: man this sucks

Diddy Kong racing but it's just all the characters floating down a lazy river drinkin beers

Me [stretching out at the park before a run] Guy [walking his dog]: you shouldn't do that, you should do these other stetches that are better for you Me [morphs into rattlesnake and chases guy]

Inventing a new way of pooping where you pop your head off and poop out your neck hole. It's a lot healthier, I'd imagine.

"Why would I get decaf, this coffee tastes like piss" overheard at starbucks between two baristas

"I really want to learn how to play violin," I say to myself half-consciously while grocery shopping and will never take any actions toward this goal whatsoever, but will repeat the statement again in 18 months adding in some regret about "imagine if I started when I thought about this last time."

"squabbling" sounds like it should be a lot cooler than what it actually means, like it should be the name of some fucko nasty sea-bird that would mess with pirates on the open ocean. "Aye, the squabblin' be peckin' at me leg 'n' shittin' everywhere" come on, so good

"Ugh, what could've been," I say aloud with a sigh, mere moments before eating another half-frozen uncrustable pb&j.

My resume is full of gaps so I just started putting stuff like: Pa's farm in trouble, cows learned to drive harvesters (June 2023 to December 2023) and let me tell you, I am still unemployed.

Yeah, I'm into BASEBALL: bees apricots slam dunks electric slide bees (they're awesome) argentina lobsters letting go of metaphysical dread

i live in an alternate reality where Blockbuster pivoted their business strategy before bankruptcy and now they're a chain of extremely successful yogurt shops. also, unrelated, but everyone in this timeline is an anthropomorphic pig

[takes out notebook] [writes down "egg shaped stereo"] [finds notebook 8 years later and has existential crisis about how only one page has anything on it and it's fucking egg shaped stereo] that's mindfulness, baby

hey, that's Mr. Guy-Who-Adds-Cheese-To-All-His-Meals to you, pal!

[worker at garden center]: need any help? [me, who has killed every plant i've owned for the past 20 years]: nope, all good

"That life is impermanent is what gives it meaning at all," I whisper quietly to myself with tears welling in my eyes as I stare at the bottom of my large fountain cup, only holding a few scattered drops of Baja Blast as turquoise reminders of better times.

Boy are you an unfrosted pop tart? Because 70-year-old jerry seinfeld wants to make a boring movie about you

[takes 12 b-12 vitamins at once] ah, b gross

"No problem!" I screech through an all-teeth grin as the cashier passively apologizes for slicing off another of my fingers in the till while still failing to make correct change.

i heck-yeah-brother'd when i should've no-way-Jose'd

I get public alerts for my town texted to me; usually they're regular stuff like "Franklin Ave is closed" or "Electricity is out due to a downed tree" etc. This morning at 4:00am an alert came through but all the text said was "Jimbo will eat your ass if he wants to, sir/madam."

"Another one, dad?" I ask as we walk to the back of his truck. "Another one, son," he replies as he slides out the 8-foot-tall novelty toothbrush. I grab the other end and we walk it up the hill to the pile of the rest of them. "One day, this will all be yours," he says to me, tears in his eyes.

me [talking to 12 year old cousin]: no no, i'm not a boomer. i'm a millennial. my dad's a boomer. cousin [doing something on his phone] me: so like i was saying-- cousin [plays "Found Out About You" on phone]: okay, if you're not a boomer, don't jam out to this song me [turning red, gasping]

I wear watch, but no time

What if, no?

woke up early to be productive but then remembered "lol i'm a pile of nachos that was accidentally animated into a conscious being by the protagonist of a YA wizard book when he was learning new spells, i don't have to be productive"

It's raining out and you don't want to go out but you have to go out because out is where the things happen, out is where your brain prevents the rot and plaque, out is where the in becomes the out.

i'm not trying to make a point, i'm just trying to find cool weird stuff in books

scratch eyeball, pull eyeball out and blow on it, pop eyeball back in, laugh very loudly and obviously fakely, sip coffee with eyeball. today was a good day to be a businessman on the bus.

friend: how long is that gonna take you? me: about 279 billion years, but i'm a slow reader

me: i've been reading one poem a day from this book, but i feel like i'm not making any progress friend: just keep at it, there can't be that many poems in the book the book: