It's finally cool outside. Glad I can enjoy the fresh air more. Been a long weekend. And yea, I'm lonely. And yea, I'm still angry. But with time comes pushing onward and hopefully some day, I'll replace them, like the hollow friends they turned out to be. I do miss the one who didn't hate me, tho.

Enjoying the weather again. This time, in a park.

Also, if I had said that to you? Would we have laughed it off? If so, WHY IS THAT OK BUT SAYING IT TO THEM ISN'T? And if you wouldn't have laughed it off, were we not that good a friends that we can joke like that? And if not, then I'm sorry for thinking we were.

I didn't do anything to anyone else. First, I immediately apologized to them. Then, a week and change later, I asked someone else IF i had told them the same thing, and I asked why would they have this kind of negative reaction. But, you'd know this if you had JUST FUCKING TALKED TO ME!!!

Playing some BF6, if anyone wants to join!!! twitch.tv/thedarkzephyrus

Long day. Alot of mental stress and anxiety. Hopefully, tomorrow is better.

I know I feel like lonely mostly because of me. I nitpick too much, I try to control alot, I don't let things go. It sucks and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm trying to learn how to be better, but when one mistake destroys so much, how am I supposed to learn?

That was so much fun :D thank you so much Midge, Cub and Yomiko for letting me join. I sincerely appreciate it. Hopefully we can do it again soon!!!

Apologies for being so weak. Saw my old friend group and that kinda made me spiral a bit. I didn't linger too long, but it definitely tempered my excitement. I'll try to be better next time. Thanks to those who came out. Love ya'll.

Had a wonderful time at uWucon hanging out with my friend Kyle and got this cute little guy. Nice to have it so close to home, but felt like it was packed with vendors so might need more room for next year.

I feel a bit better atm. Like, I'm finding a few small things that bring me happiness, without strings attached or expectation.

I guess it's time for my once yearly cold. Wish it wasn't the middle of the week, but hopefully it goes away enough by this weekend so I can go to uwucon

Singing and trying to find something to play. Come hang if you want to. twitch.tv/thedarkzephryus

Still fucking salty about it. Not sure when that will go away. So, until it does... If you think dreams are ONLY things you want and not your brain simply processing things, YOU are fucking trash. Bet you'd get mad at your SO if you had a dream about them talking to an ex or something.

Long day. Got to enjoy some more rain, but ate too much and now I had to pick up my dad and take him home because his truck overheated. And I want to complain about the same old shit, but fucking, who cares.

I know what I want in this life. But, I also know that those goals are not easily achieved. And I must be patient and methodical, in order to get to my goals without destroying myself, my life, or those around me. Because I could leave in a few days time and have the illusion of my goal.

It's not perfect, but I finally got to enjoy some rain in the desert :')

Aaaaaand another avenue for release gone. Fml.

How do I go forward? I feel I'm one big stumble away from going down for good. I just want to sleep, but all I do is work and sleep and nothing ever gets done. Fuck, why'd you all have to go away.

Not sure how helpful it is to spit out my thoughts. Been used against me more than I'd like. But without another outlet, not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do. Gotta try and find that outlet but that relies on others and we all remember how that turned out. "safe space" my ass

Gunna be bitter for a while. Still, trying to move on and forward.

Searching for the spark. Gunna try to start walking again. It's hard when it's just me. We'll see how far we get.

Had a dream about zombies. Bet someone will get mad at me about that, too.

Gets a bit easier every day. At least I know more ppl than not agree with me. Stings less. Time for sleep.

I wish I could just pick one emotion to feel about it all. I know they literally give zero fucks about me now. Wish I could just turn off all the memories and happiness we had like they obviously can. Fuck.

Today's emotion when remembering someone discarded you because of a single mistake: Anger!

Finally, rain. Gods, it's been a long time. Want so much rain.

Anyway, long day. Time for sleep.

Why not just say "hey don't ever fucking do that again. It's not fucking funny, it's really making me uncomfortable and I will fucking leave if you ever say that again"? Oh, they did. And did I immediately apologize? Yes? And did I do it again to them? No? Then WTF is the problem?!?!

True, being a bit petty. But hey, I'm the worst, right? I've always been a terrible person and this is just the straw that broke the camels back. I've never been friendly, helpful, kind, joking, laughing, vulnerable. What if it WAS just a joke? And you bit my head off? Not even try to talk it out.

"This is a safe space" really? So if I say one thing wrong, you won't throw away everything? You won't give me atleast one chance? I apologize and that's not enough? One time I say something wrong and that's it? I try to understand but I'm reprehensible for trying? I should just know everything?

Today's Practice Song: I'm Alive by Jackson Browne

Was a good day. Still ending lonely, but it's less of an open wound. I'm not broken. Fuck, that's actually hard to say. Here's to things getting better.

Fuck, it was so nice to be seen by my therapist. I don't feel so bad anymore. They understand the initial reaction and agreed and glad I did the apology, but the reaction after was not expected and most likely not my fault. I'll fucking take it!

Well, here we go.

Hopefully, some answers today.

Godamn, Serenity is a great movie

Storm is rolling through, guess it knows. Sorry for all the sad posts. Hope to be better soon.

Some days are worse than others.

As someone who exists shoulder to shoulder with sarcasm, I don't know how much I want to use it in some circumstances, since the sarcasm can rely heavily on inflection and text does a terrible job of conveying that properly.

Not doing great

Well. Time for another therapy session. And alot less talking.

Another dream where I'm actually wanted. Fuck you, brain.

Same post I've made before. Doesn't matter, just hitting me right now.

More lost these days than I used to be. Trying not to fall back into old habits of self pity. It's always a battle.

Still in my head. Time to head home.

Sleep didn't help much. Another long day.

Tough day. Lot of thinking. Really didn't expect it to bother me this much how either warped or atleast different my views are. Gunna take time to adjust. Kinda makes me question alot. But gotta do it myself/ with a therapist. What else am I so wrong about? And why?

Ah. I see. A few things I'm actually not normal about. Well, it was bound to happen. Hope I can learn from it. Will need to keep it in mind going forward. Gotta love having things to talk with your therapist about. Crumbs.

Sometimes, you just want to have a 100% uncensored talk with someone.