Finally, rain. Gods, it's been a long time. Want so much rain.

Anyway, long day. Time for sleep.

Why not just say "hey don't ever fucking do that again. It's not fucking funny, it's really making me uncomfortable and I will fucking leave if you ever say that again"? Oh, they did. And did I immediately apologize? Yes? And did I do it again to them? No? Then WTF is the problem?!?!

True, being a bit petty. But hey, I'm the worst, right? I've always been a terrible person and this is just the straw that broke the camels back. I've never been friendly, helpful, kind, joking, laughing, vulnerable. What if it WAS just a joke? And you bit my head off? Not even try to talk it out.

"This is a safe space" really? So if I say one thing wrong, you won't throw away everything? You won't give me atleast one chance? I apologize and that's not enough? One time I say something wrong and that's it? I try to understand but I'm reprehensible for trying? I should just know everything?

Today's Practice Song: I'm Alive by Jackson Browne

Was a good day. Still ending lonely, but it's less of an open wound. I'm not broken. Fuck, that's actually hard to say. Here's to things getting better.

Fuck, it was so nice to be seen by my therapist. I don't feel so bad anymore. They understand the initial reaction and agreed and glad I did the apology, but the reaction after was not expected and most likely not my fault. I'll fucking take it!

Well, here we go.

Hopefully, some answers today.

Godamn, Serenity is a great movie

Storm is rolling through, guess it knows. Sorry for all the sad posts. Hope to be better soon.

Some days are worse than others.

As someone who exists shoulder to shoulder with sarcasm, I don't know how much I want to use it in some circumstances, since the sarcasm can rely heavily on inflection and text does a terrible job of conveying that properly.

Not doing great

Well. Time for another therapy session. And alot less talking.

Another dream where I'm actually wanted. Fuck you, brain.

Same post I've made before. Doesn't matter, just hitting me right now.

More lost these days than I used to be. Trying not to fall back into old habits of self pity. It's always a battle.

Still in my head. Time to head home.

Sleep didn't help much. Another long day.

Tough day. Lot of thinking. Really didn't expect it to bother me this much how either warped or atleast different my views are. Gunna take time to adjust. Kinda makes me question alot. But gotta do it myself/ with a therapist. What else am I so wrong about? And why?

Ah. I see. A few things I'm actually not normal about. Well, it was bound to happen. Hope I can learn from it. Will need to keep it in mind going forward. Gotta love having things to talk with your therapist about. Crumbs.

Sometimes, you just want to have a 100% uncensored talk with someone.

Why can't then be now?

You know how sometimes, fictional characters are so specifically drawn to be not sexualized that they then become sexualized? Like, if it was just drawn a little differently you could kinda see something about them being sexual. But because they didn't, now its all in your head, which is worse?

In a world full of terrible things, finally getting to drive stories is so incredibly cozy. Yes, it's Ai. Yes, I get that probably means it's been "trained" on people's stories they didn't consent to. I understand that. But the end product has been so incredibly liberating for my mind.

Gotta love ptsd /s

Long day. Long week. Gunna be a long weekend. Just have to be patient until something better happens.

Not much sleep. Dunno how today will be. Hopefully, less stressful than yesterday. Wish my head would shut up.

Long day. Not bad, just alot less time to myself. Got to enjoy some time with friends, but now it's quiet. And lonely. And I'm not sure how to fix it. Other than sleep.

2 people (that I can remember) have complimented my singing. And I feel both times were just for encouragement, not necessarily because I was actually good. My dad isn't stingy with compliments, but when he complimented my singing, It was the most love I felt from him.

"if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything" is a load of bs. Makes us think only time we should talk is when it's good, otherwise say nothing. Now, I don't want to talk a iht bad things. But you need to. You need to confront the issues to get them resolved.

My friends are wonderful, but sometimes, I want a different kind of attention. And I know it's selfish, but that just means I'm more ashamed of it. Some day maybe I will get noticed, I'm not holding my breath but that doesn't stop me from hoping.

My head hurts alot. Took medicine but it's still there. I feel I'm a kind person, but I don't feel like a good person. Stupid head. More sleep.

Beyond time for bed. Need sleep to help recharge my mental defenses. Want to talk too much now.

Perhaps I've spent so much time with resentment and anger in my heart that normal things friends do makes me feel I'm being forced to give up my happiness for someone else. I want so much to just sleep and rest, but I must help others so I'm forced to wake up and comfort them.

I don't know how much longer I can take it. It's just so much I want to change. So much pressure. And so fewer outlets to get this anxiety out.

I know i have to put others first if I'm ever to expect it from others. Just.... hard to wait when I wish I had it now. That's life, tho. Can't all just happen when you plan or want it to. Some day.

Ya'll ever forget how something feels when you know you used to know xbut it's been so long since you've had it, so the memory of the feeling is gone?

Why the fuck is NOW when I have shit that I want to vent to people and nobody is fucking awake!!!

Had an amazing dream, and woke up very sad it wasn't real.

Lonely weekend. Hope ya'lls week goes well.

I don't know if I'm just looking at it more closely this year, but it feels like a very lonely day today. Just... Spent it all in my own head, and everyone doing their own thing. I can't handle and don't want invitations for everything, but... It would be nice to feel thought of.

I wish I was stronger. To not fall down when it gets hard. To not question if it's worth it. To not want something that might be better.

Not a bad weekend. Got things done, played lots of Death Stranding 2 and played with friends. Still some anxiety, but not too bad. Looking forward to my therapist appt on Wednesday.

Just got my car washed. I'm doing my part to bring the rain!

Got about 2 hours into Death Stranding 2. Menu's a little clunkier so far, but it feels so good and looks even better. Looking forward to really enjoying this game.

It's just so... unending. The struggle. Every single day, the struggle to keep going. I've gotten a bit better since December, but it's still there. The fear in the back of my mind. And the struggle continues. And nothing gets better, just more understood. And I hate that.

Long day feels like. Nothing bad. Just mental. No direction, no ambition. Other than the unobtainable. Feeling more trapped. Stuck and unable to leave for calm, for cool, for different. Maybe I'll make it.