Funyuns are neither. Discuss.

One of the images you're guaranteed to see if you make it to the Pop Cultured With Jimmy Pardo show at the Pasadena Ice House this Saturday! #truth #elonmuskwithadickonhisface www.showclix.com/event/ice-ho...

Shameless self-promo! I'm lucky to be head writer for the live comedy game show "Pop Cultured with Jimmy Pardo." This Saturday's guests are Kevin Pollak, Andy Daly, and Andrea Jin. At the Pasadena Ice House, Sat 2/7 at 7PM! If you miss it you will suck! Truth! www.showclix.com/event/ice-ho...

They say Trump's name appears over 38,000 times in the new batch of Ep$tein files. To give you some idea of what a huge number that is, if you said the word "Trump" once per second 38,000 times, it would take you 10 hours, 33 minutes, and 20 seconds. Go try it. I'll wait.

DAMN IT! #framedwtf

Oh f*** no! Not Catherine O'Hara! She was one of the funniest, most brilliant people on the planet. Just go back and watch everything from her SCTV characters to Moira on Shitt's Creek, and you. can see her comedic genius in all it's beautiful glory. This hits hard. :( deadline.com/2026/01/cath...

I am taking a time out from outrage for the next four hours. But I'm sure I'll get back in the game quickly enough.

DAMNIT! I was so close! #framedwtf

I WAS CLOSE! #framedwtf

Naming a naval vessel after yourself is like claiming you have a big dick. It’s only meaningful if someone does it on your behalf.

In my secret life I am co-founder of a canned cocktail company, and yes, you can use our Grisly's Cosmic Black to make some damn fine waffles. Can BuzzBallz say that??

Look, it's not Pam Bondi's fault the Epstein files were written in black ink on black paper.

Check it out. It's quick read.

Business idea: An AI server farm in Alaska so instead of needing hundreds of gallons of water to cool the machines you can just open the window. I'm taking investors.

I'm not buying a new iPhone until Tim Cook steps down. "But," I hear you protest, "Sure he's shamefully kissed Trump's ass, but at least he hasn't come up with a single innovation since he took over Apple and their entire product line has languished in a swamp of mediocrity."

Damn it, Framed! I was SO CLOSE! #framedwtf

Jingle Bell Rock is neither. Debate me.

In the Star Wars universe are there *actual* falcons? We've never seen one. I mean, for all we know that word means something completely different, and that ship is really called "The Millennium Scrotum."

I'm doing my part to get this corollary into common usage.

I saw an exec say they'll use AI to make a movie in two hours, not getting that no one will go to see it. Right now all of us can use AI to generate a painting just like Picasso. If we put these in a museum do you think anyone would go see them? No. Because AT ITS HEART, AI ART IS DISPOSABLE.

On Mondays, it's not what fresh hell is this, it's what hell went sour over the weekend that's now stinking up the whole country?

Winning a peace prize from a soccer league is as stupid and meaningless as winning a peace prize from a soccer league.

Self-promotion! One of the things I do is co-run a small beverage company, and we're in the actual goddamn cooler at our Total Wine store. It's rare for a big chain to give up their cooler space for a small brand. It might be because the robot mothman threatened them. I'm not sure.

Let this be a lesson to all Virginia raccoons out there.

From the WaPo's new series: "Everything Is Fucking Fine So STFU." Next: "You Don't Fucking Need Health Insurance, OK?" apple.news/Ak9-QMBqSRGm...

Is this the one where Garfield murders that Turkey with his teeth and eats the carcass raw?

My favorite Portland blues singer

Well, this is going to make my football dip shopping list way more difficult.

Take my online seminar to learn how to monetize the awkward facade you're forced to show the public-- sorry, I mean "Leverage your personal brand!"

I'm with all the people who think the 100% GOP turnaround on releasing the Epstein files smells like bad fish and bullshit. Those files are going to be scrubbed of Trump and all GOP involvement. I'd put money on it. Money I'd be happy to lose if I'm wrong.

Recommend a science fiction novel to me. I need a new one.

(Once again, the Star Trek fans will get it.) #fourlights #startrek #trump #therearefourlights!

Wow. When Epstein calls you a bad person, that's like Josef Mengele saying you need to dial it back a little.

God damn it! Why so I never get it right? #framedwtf

Everyone, calm down! The problem is not Chuck Schumer. The problem is all the cowardly shit Chuck Schumer does.

#startrek #fourlights #trump #groceryprices #yourmomissoproudofyou

So now President Sinewy Sixpack is denying visas to people who are overweight? Any way we can get him out of the country so he'll be stopped at the border? Maybe tell him the McRib is back in Bolivia. www.thetimes.com/us/news-toda...

Do you think we could start a grassroots campaign to mail balls to Chuck Schumer's office? Golf balls, tennis balls, basket balls, super balls... Just order them up and send them straight to Chuck. Maybe he'll get the idea.

The Trekkers will get it #fourlights

So do you think JD asks Erika to wear the leather pants because it makes her ass look more like a couch?

Hey, you guys ever stop and think about just how much you’re not thinking about Supertramp?

Every offer from Temu: "Click now to get a $200 store credit for only three cents! Just buy four of the items from this list for 20% off after you've added $150s to your cart, bought $75, and returned $15. You have only 15 minutes to take advantage or you will be dead to us. Now spin this wheel."

Why do they call it a "meteoric rise" when meteors generally fall to earth and destroy things?

And he would know.

Hands up if you're experiencing this right now. Or wiggle your fingers if you're waiting to see a specialist about a shoulder injury.

I will be at #dragoncon from next Friday 8/29, on Invader ZIM panels with @jhnenvee.bsky.social, @rikkisimons.bsky.social, @richardhorvitz.com, Melissa Fahn, and a deadly robot marmoset. Also, Rikki and I will do a live One Man Murder Maze session 8/29 at 4pm. BE THERE OR FACE THE MARMOSET!

Just find the one thing in life you love more than anything else, then ruin it by turning it into a side hustle.

As part of the BBB, married couples with student loans could be particularly screwed, with payments calculated by the total of both incomes, even if they both have loans. Part of Project 2025's plan to reverse the "baby bust" by discouraging education among women. 😡 www.forbes.com/sites/alison...

But would you really *want* to use Art Garfunkel as a bridge?

New Army of Drunks episode is out. Ask a drunk scientist about artificial intelligence, and learn the history of the Harvey Wallbanger in one easy-to-swallow capsule. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/t...