And he would know.

Hands up if you're experiencing this right now. Or wiggle your fingers if you're waiting to see a specialist about a shoulder injury.

I will be at #dragoncon from next Friday 8/29, on Invader ZIM panels with @jhnenvee.bsky.social, @rikkisimons.bsky.social, @richardhorvitz.com, Melissa Fahn, and a deadly robot marmoset. Also, Rikki and I will do a live One Man Murder Maze session 8/29 at 4pm. BE THERE OR FACE THE MARMOSET!

Just find the one thing in life you love more than anything else, then ruin it by turning it into a side hustle.

As part of the BBB, married couples with student loans could be particularly screwed, with payments calculated by the total of both incomes, even if they both have loans. Part of Project 2025's plan to reverse the "baby bust" by discouraging education among women. 😡 www.forbes.com/sites/alison...

But would you really *want* to use Art Garfunkel as a bridge?

New Army of Drunks episode is out. Ask a drunk scientist about artificial intelligence, and learn the history of the Harvey Wallbanger in one easy-to-swallow capsule. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/t...

A reminder: The perpetrators in the Epstein files are Oligarchs, and so are the ones protecting them.

EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE: "Are we the real monsters here?" EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE AUDIENCE: "No, it's the zombies. It's literally the walking corpses eating people alive. This is not hard to figure out."

Walking?

Experts agree. Four out of five LinkedIn posts make me want to slap someone.

At what point did you realize you have more art than you have wall space?

"You can't call yourself Batman if you've never punched a clown." - Buddha

That's like the pot calling the kettle black, then realizing that kettles can't talk, and suddenly understanding what it means to be truly alone in the world.

I finally figured out who Stephen Miller reminds me of! He's like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons and the round-faced Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark got together and artificially inseminated a pencil eraser.

Person Sitting One Table Over Teaching an ELS Class Over Zoom: "You've never seen Oceans Eleven? It's a movie about a bank robbery." Me, Hissed Under My Breath: "Casino. CASINO!"

FB ad: "This storyteller deck taps into humanity's most ancient collective archetypes, touching the very essence of your soul... AND RAISING YOUR SALES RATE BY OVER 200% OR YOUR MONEY BACK!"

nothing has reinforced my belief that NYC did the right thing like seeing just how upset all the worst people in the world are over it

Essay pitch for my new substack: Ham Slices Can Wrap You In Success, or Tank Your Career. How to Roll Yourself in Luncheon Meat and Come Out on Top.

Headline Pitch: If you pee through a bendy straw inserted in your urethra, psychologists say you possess these 8 unique traits.

damn it i was this close!!! #framedwtf

Take note.

Nobody ever mentions one of the big appeals of the original Star Trek is that it's a show where the nerd and the jock are best friends.

Failure is fate's way of telling you to try harder and keep going... until it's fate's way of telling you to give up because this whole thing was a huge mistake. And it never tells you which.

Remember when everyone was asking about Trump and the Epstein files? I'd really like to see those be released and-- OH MY GOD! LA IS ON FIRE! RIOTS! AND LOOK OVER THERE! IRAN! IRAN HAS BOMBS N JUNK! JEEZUS H GODDAMN CHRIST WE'RE ALL GOIGN TO DIE! Um... What were we talking about, again?

I realized I'm older than both of these men are in this picture, and not *once* have I human trafficked.

This is what happens when Donnie gets a broken heart.

I know this person! I helped make this game happen! They speak the truth! This is a super fun and believe it or not relaxing build game. Though yes, the king will kill you if you screw it up. Check it out!

NATURALIZED ALIEN VS. SEXUAL PREDATOR

Well, if Ford doesn't buy half a million in TrumpCoin first.

The Pixies in their 60s "Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Whe-re are my keys? Wait up... did I leave them in the kitchen?"

My Temu shopping cart has over $186 dollars in things that will not impact my life in the slightest if I do OR do not ever buy them. That sort of irrelevance is a remarkable feat for a retailer.

Show this to that relative who only understands sports metaphors.

The motto should read "Full Disclosure: Move Fast and Break *Other People's* Things."

I hate myself for thinking this, but I believe there may be a cocktail to be created that uses the water from canned corn. I wish I was joking.

Don't know why this musical artist was on my mind today. Hmm. youtu.be/YsGjFh1ke44?...

They say you can't unsee your own butthole. Though they don't say it all that often. I don't even know who "they" are in this case. Not sure why I brought it up. Anyway... 2547

David Letterman just keeps getting better. The Santa Claus bears doesn’t hurt, either.

The changing motivation of tech bros 1990s: Tech can make the world better 2000s: Tech can make a lot of money 2010s: Tech can make a lot of money and that will make people think I'm cool 2020s: Tech money will allow me to take my revenge on all you fools who don't understand how cool I am!!!!

Say what you want, the man has an uncanny ability to not read the room.

Can we reserve the term "game changer" for only things that actually change games? WRONG: The new Ford electric F-150 is a game changer! RIGHT: The new revision to the encumbrance rules in D&D 5e is a game changer! Thanks

I'm going to call him "Pop" Leo XIV from now on. No reason. I'm just bored.

They only put bleach in the spray cleaner because they want me to drink it.

Starting a podcast is like when Mickey Rooney shouts “Hey kids, let’s put on a show!” only you have to pretend your living room is the old barn, you have to pretend there’s an audience, and at the end of it there’s still no money to save the orphanage.

So if I was a day trader, could I trade all the days between now and the one when Trump dies of a stroke on the toilet? I won't take less than a wad of used bubble gum or some magic beans.

Listening to Underworld's album Beaucoup Fish as I work, and I realized I listened to that same album in a dark little office back when I worked on Invader ZIM. If I could go back in time and give myself advice, it would be "move to Canada." Oh, and buy bitcoin but don't spend it on weed."

For whatever reason, whenever I hear "Emoluments," I think “emulsion.” And the most prominent example of an emulsion that always comes to mind is mayonnaise. So for me it’s the Mayonnaise Clause. And Trump looks like a skinsack full of mayonnaise, so it all comes full circle.

HBO Max, the company producing J.K. Rowling's new project, wants you to respect its second name change in as many years.

Today’s workout: 1. Jumping Jacks - 20 2. Toy Soldiers - 20 3. Abe Lincolns - 15 4. Pump n Dumps - 19 5. Squidgy Biscuits - 10 per side 6. The Ol’ Niagara - 30 sec 7. Sterling Burgers - 10 per compass point 8. Huff Puppies - 2x60 9. Fistful of Marlboros - 3.14 per limb 10. The Johnson Fuckoff - all