LinkedIn is like if the 8th circle of hell was a networking party.

I wouldn't piss on that guy if he was on fire. I'd throw a blanket over him and roll him on the ground, then call an ambulance. Seriously, what kind of perverted first aid training did you get?

I did not see "Hoppers" this past weekend, but you should. See it this past weekend, I mean. Scientists will eventually develop time travel. It will take centuries, but it will happen. Leave a note for future time travelers to come back and get you, then pop back a few days. You're welcome.

I almost had it!!!!! #framedwtf

This flu feels like I've been run over by a very soft bus.

So damn close! #framedwtf

How did I never notice that Kirsti Noem's kevlar is a crop top?

Pro tip for etsy sellers: If you put the word "Tactical" in front of anything, you can charge MAGAs 50% more for it.

Media execs take note.

How did I get it so wrong?? #framedwtf

Funyuns are neither. Discuss.

One of the images you're guaranteed to see if you make it to the Pop Cultured With Jimmy Pardo show at the Pasadena Ice House this Saturday! #truth #elonmuskwithadickonhisface www.showclix.com/event/ice-ho...

Shameless self-promo! I'm lucky to be head writer for the live comedy game show "Pop Cultured with Jimmy Pardo." This Saturday's guests are Kevin Pollak, Andy Daly, and Andrea Jin. At the Pasadena Ice House, Sat 2/7 at 7PM! If you miss it you will suck! Truth! www.showclix.com/event/ice-ho...

They say Trump's name appears over 38,000 times in the new batch of Ep$tein files. To give you some idea of what a huge number that is, if you said the word "Trump" once per second 38,000 times, it would take you 10 hours, 33 minutes, and 20 seconds. Go try it. I'll wait.

DAMN IT! #framedwtf

Oh f*** no! Not Catherine O'Hara! She was one of the funniest, most brilliant people on the planet. Just go back and watch everything from her SCTV characters to Moira on Shitt's Creek, and you. can see her comedic genius in all it's beautiful glory. This hits hard. :( deadline.com/2026/01/cath...

I am taking a time out from outrage for the next four hours. But I'm sure I'll get back in the game quickly enough.

DAMNIT! I was so close! #framedwtf

I WAS CLOSE! #framedwtf

Naming a naval vessel after yourself is like claiming you have a big dick. It’s only meaningful if someone does it on your behalf.

In my secret life I am co-founder of a canned cocktail company, and yes, you can use our Grisly's Cosmic Black to make some damn fine waffles. Can BuzzBallz say that??

Look, it's not Pam Bondi's fault the Epstein files were written in black ink on black paper.

Check it out. It's quick read.

Business idea: An AI server farm in Alaska so instead of needing hundreds of gallons of water to cool the machines you can just open the window. I'm taking investors.

I'm not buying a new iPhone until Tim Cook steps down. "But," I hear you protest, "Sure he's shamefully kissed Trump's ass, but at least he hasn't come up with a single innovation since he took over Apple and their entire product line has languished in a swamp of mediocrity."

Damn it, Framed! I was SO CLOSE! #framedwtf

Jingle Bell Rock is neither. Debate me.

In the Star Wars universe are there *actual* falcons? We've never seen one. I mean, for all we know that word means something completely different, and that ship is really called "The Millennium Scrotum."

I'm doing my part to get this corollary into common usage.

I saw an exec say they'll use AI to make a movie in two hours, not getting that no one will go to see it. Right now all of us can use AI to generate a painting just like Picasso. If we put these in a museum do you think anyone would go see them? No. Because AT ITS HEART, AI ART IS DISPOSABLE.

On Mondays, it's not what fresh hell is this, it's what hell went sour over the weekend that's now stinking up the whole country?

Winning a peace prize from a soccer league is as stupid and meaningless as winning a peace prize from a soccer league.

Self-promotion! One of the things I do is co-run a small beverage company, and we're in the actual goddamn cooler at our Total Wine store. It's rare for a big chain to give up their cooler space for a small brand. It might be because the robot mothman threatened them. I'm not sure.

Let this be a lesson to all Virginia raccoons out there.

From the WaPo's new series: "Everything Is Fucking Fine So STFU." Next: "You Don't Fucking Need Health Insurance, OK?" apple.news/Ak9-QMBqSRGm...

Is this the one where Garfield murders that Turkey with his teeth and eats the carcass raw?

My favorite Portland blues singer

Well, this is going to make my football dip shopping list way more difficult.

Take my online seminar to learn how to monetize the awkward facade you're forced to show the public-- sorry, I mean "Leverage your personal brand!"

I'm with all the people who think the 100% GOP turnaround on releasing the Epstein files smells like bad fish and bullshit. Those files are going to be scrubbed of Trump and all GOP involvement. I'd put money on it. Money I'd be happy to lose if I'm wrong.

Recommend a science fiction novel to me. I need a new one.

(Once again, the Star Trek fans will get it.) #fourlights #startrek #trump #therearefourlights!

Wow. When Epstein calls you a bad person, that's like Josef Mengele saying you need to dial it back a little.

God damn it! Why so I never get it right? #framedwtf

Everyone, calm down! The problem is not Chuck Schumer. The problem is all the cowardly shit Chuck Schumer does.

#startrek #fourlights #trump #groceryprices #yourmomissoproudofyou

So now President Sinewy Sixpack is denying visas to people who are overweight? Any way we can get him out of the country so he'll be stopped at the border? Maybe tell him the McRib is back in Bolivia. www.thetimes.com/us/news-toda...

Do you think we could start a grassroots campaign to mail balls to Chuck Schumer's office? Golf balls, tennis balls, basket balls, super balls... Just order them up and send them straight to Chuck. Maybe he'll get the idea.

The Trekkers will get it #fourlights

So do you think JD asks Erika to wear the leather pants because it makes her ass look more like a couch?