Attendant: Stop peeing in the shower! Me: Why? Everyone does it. Attendant: Not from the change room!

Women online tell me I'm handsome Women in real life tell me I'm scaring their children.

Mitch McConnell has just been cast to be in Weekend at Bernie’s 3.

Be very careful about which selfies you post on Facebook because if something should happen to you, the authorities always use your Facebook to post a photo.

If you read this post say yes. Otherwise say no.

What a novel product!

Could a married person explain the difference between marriage and the Stockholm Syndrome.

Selected as runner up for the best memoir at the New York Book Festival and a best seller on Amazon. This is a deep dive into the Holocaust, my family's legacy, and the contemporary antisemitism. Writing this was transformational.

Voicemail: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow Text message: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow Email: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow My dead mom during a seance: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

Me: *enjoying the afterlife* Wife *at a seance*: Willie, how do I change the WiFi password?

Here is a cooking tip that I've used over and over again. If you don't care for a vegetable like broccoli, cook it in butter. It will then easily slide off your plate into the recycling bin. You're welcome.

Me: Talk dirty to me. Wife: There's mold in the shower, a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, the kitchen floor is sticky...

The remote fell under the sofa. I got down on the floor to get it. Now I can't get up. Fortunately I can watch TV from down here.

Okay but they should put up a sign warning you that the wet floor is slippery.

That time I took on a 6-week assignment open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

I decided to write my will in cursive pig Latin. The probate court will not be amused.

A typical conversation at home. Did you hear me? Yes. What did I say? I heard you. Then what did I say? Is this inquisition? You didn't hear what I said? No.

My grocery store was out of skim milk so I bought a bottle of Merlot.

Barista: What can I get you? Me: Small coffee with milk and sugar. Barista: You mean an Americano. Me: No , just a small coffee. Barista: Like a Caffe Misto? Me: No! I just want a small coffee with milk and sugar! Is that possible? Barista: Sir, have you tried Tim Hortons?

I need your thoughts and prayers because I need to go over to my mother in law's today to show her how to find Netflix again on her TV.

People who reply seriously to your posts that are quite obviously jokes are what keeps Bluesky fun.

I now watch soccer by turning on the sports news. At this stage of my life I cannot afford the 90+ minutes.

Therapist: Tell me when you believe your relationship with your son deteriorated. Me: I don't have a son. Therapist: Oh, right. Sorry. Why don't you focus on your depression. Me: I'm not depressed. Therapist: Stan, are you trying to gaslight me? Me: My name is Willie.

Belgium is either going to be bombed or hit with tariffs.

Why can't they make hot dogs and buns and the same length. This is a major injustice. Who do I speak to about this?

If two people ghost each other at the same time, do they become spiritual?

My therapist is annoyed with me. Wish I had someone to talk to about this.

'm going to take a break from social media for a while. I need to sort some things out. Also my family is going through some rough times and I need to be there for them every minute I can. Ok I'm back!!

Your Hump Day video 📷

Only two out of 1000 Germans resisted the Nazis. Only two out of 1000 Germans resisted the Nazis. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

How many pictures of coffee is normal to have on your phone please say 304.

A Jehovah Witness knocked on my door talking about God's plan so I asked her to identify all pictures containing a bus to prove she was human.

After watching several World Cup matches I'll go back to watching hockey. Hockey refs will penalize a player for taking a dive and cannot mysteriously add time to the clock.

Apparently being told that I look like a guy from the TV show America's Most Wanted is not a pickup line.

They need to bring back MAD magazine so I can get some objective reporting of the news.

It is so hot my brain is becoming liquified.

I want to see the coolest photo on your phone that you actually took yourself. No selfies. Go!

I discovered the secret to getting a good night's sleep - it's called chloroform.

Holidays midweek are just wrong. It feels like Monday all over again.

The toilets in our condo are so low that yesterday my wife had firefighters come to get me off the seat.

A mosquito bit me and 30 seconds passed out. Tells you what my blood-alcohol level must be. It will just have to sleep it off.

I'm so hot that when I urinate it comes out as steam.

Do you want to know what could improve 2026? How about putting cocaine back into Coca Cola? And while they're at it, in Pepsi and Dr. Peppers too.

July is Mosquito Awareness Month in Canada. We have mosquitoes. You are now aware. See you next July.

My list of the greatest Canadians on Canada's birthday 🇨🇦 Terry Fox Tommy Douglas Sir Frederick Banting Dr. David Suzuki Lester B. Pearson Don Cherry Sir John A. Macdonald Alexander Graham Bell Gordie Howe John Candy Pierre Burton

The Supreme Court rules that any baby born in Chipotle Mexican Grill restaurant is a Mexican citizen.

I accidentally dropped my scale down two flights of stairs. It's no longer giving me the wrong weight.

It was so hot that the squirrels are wearing umbrellas for shade.

I AM CANADIAN 🇨🇦