In my house a threesome refers to how you get me off the sofa.

A guest asked for a bottle of ketchup to put on his steak so I had to ask him to leave. What type of savage puts ketchup on a $20+ steak?

So, one of the Internet Karens told me that she is offended that I don't like pumpkin spice flavour. So I can no longer post about PS.

I could be your life coach. But I should warn you that when I coached hockey and soccer, we never made the playoffs.

Hello America! Canada here, just checking in. Getting funny vibes. Are you okay?

I just saw a post that I didn't agree with but didn't leave a comment. It took incredible willpower. I may need a nap.

One of the Three Stooges reincarnated as a dog.

I asked my wife if she has seen my tablet and she brought me a bottle of Tylenol. 🤦

All my posts are created without AI which is why they make no sense and are filled with typos.

At my funeral, they plan on playing Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road by Loudon Wainwright III. 🤷

The Gaza War should have ended long ago. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

A squirrel was run over in front of my house. If anyone celebrates I'm going to ask their employer to fire them.

This has bothered me forever. Hotdogs come in packages of 10. The buns come in packages of 8. Come on guys, can't you get together and work this out?

The only reason I use the coffee drive-thru is that I've left so many coffees on the roof of my car getting back in. I'm saving money.

So far 2025 is about the same as electroshock therapy.

As my birthday approaches I'm reminded of how having birthdays makes you live longer. I need more and more birthdays.

My next novel is going to be in the horror genre. It's about a family that loses internet, wireless cellular service and electricity on the same day.

Don't forget to piss off a stranger on this app today and then block them.

Me: I love sundress weather. I wish that it would never end. Wife: TAKE THAT OFF!

How every van Gogh mug should look.

The best part of social media is when you tweet about your favourite pizza. 60 people will tell you that you're wrong, 45 people comment what a horrible person you are, 35 people will tell you they hate pizza, and 12 people will block you.

What is it called if you are too for a midlife crisis?

It turns out my neighbor's ankle bracelet is not a Fitbit.

For once I would like to wake up "Henry Winkler caught a fish" happy.

It bugs me when people don't know the difference between "they're", "there" and "their". Your dumb if you don't no.

Why is it that every Walmart parking lot has seagulls? The Walmart can be 2,000 miles from the ocean but there are still seagulls.

When I was in middle school, I asked a girl to be my date at a school dance. She just laughed and walked away. Well guess what Linda? I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I'm muting everyone except for mimes.

My doctor has told me that red wine and coffee are causing migraines and that I need to consider a lifestyle change. So, I've switched to extra strength Ibuprofen.

My 5 year plan expired 30 years ago. I've been winging ever since.

To relax I turn off the news and watch a Holocaust movie.

I found a photo from the 1930s of Malachowskiego Street in Bedzin. My father's family lived in a tenement building at #38. This was one of the main streets in the Jewish quarters. I took a photo of the street in 2022.

My mental health is managed by the black magic in my mug each morning.

The last time I sat on a beanbag chair, they had to call the fire department to get me up again.

24 years since 9/11 and the world looks so different. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

Therapist: How do you cope with everything going on in the world? Me: I have my own world. It's always 70°, every day is a weekend, and the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup every season. Therapist: Willie I'm going to reduce your meds. They're working too well.

My birthday book is mostly crude drawings of penises.

If you see me sitting in my car in a parking lot scarfing down a bag of chips please remember it's not polite to point.

Then: How are you so funny? Me: Trauma.

The fiddler represents Jewish struggle to survive in a changing and unstable world. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

7 yo: I love beer. Me: You've tasted beer? 7 yo: Yeah, when we went away on holidays I drank it at the poolside bar. Me: What kind of beer was it? 7 yo: Root beer. Haven't you ever had it?

My wife just tossed out bubble wrap without popping it and I've never been this disappointed with her.

This seems legit.

Welcome to Bluesky. If you’re here to exchange ideas, find open minded people, get away from the culture wars, you've come to the wrong place.

I can no longer go skinny dipping because I've exceeded the maximum weight.

Being an extrovert is so overrated and exhausted.

Dear Skip the Dish driver: I appreciate how you bring me food. But I don't need a PLAY-BY-PLAY: " I'm picking up your order now" " I'm driving to your house now" " I'm getting closer" " I'm on your street now" " I can see your house now" " I really like your garden" " Why do you look annoyed"

Relationship tip: If a woman ever asks you a question, just know that there is no correct answer.

How do I know when it's a scammer calling? Simple, my phone rang.

I reached a personal best for steps on my Fitbit when my grandson put it on while I was napping.