Based on 2025, maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard to survive the pandemic.

Pulls out list of 2025 New Year Resolutions Crosses out 2025 Adds in 2026 Puts list away for another year

Shops online for a new toaster. For the next year: Opens Google: Here are the top rated toasters. Opens Facebook: Here are the best buys in rated toasters. Opens instagram: Here are the best toasters. Opens Twitter: UFOs have come to kill us.

There's still lots of days left for the year to create some new regrets.

My New Year's resolution is for politicians to stop lying.

Me: *puts cold coffee in microwave* Also me: *5 minutes later* What is that beeping noise?

6 yo: My brother swore at me. Me: Okay I will take care of it. 6 yo: Don't you want to know what he said? Me: It's not necessary. 6 yo: This is fucking bullshit! Me: Umm.

You boy, are there any Chinese restaurants in the area?

Don't believe what people tell you. Marijuana is definitely a gateway drug - to chocolate cake.

Weather reporter: There's a snow and cold advisory so check in on the old folks to make sure they're okay. Wife: Why am I getting text messages from everyone we know? Me: You too?

My favourite thing about social media is when post about a personal experience or opinion and then someone leaves a comment correcting me, about my personal experience or opinion. It's so helpful. So thank you for that.

Whoever said there are no stupid questions did not have a social media account.

Jews are getting annoyed with the Christians ordering Chinese on Christmas Eve. It's making the restaurants too busy. Can we not have something to ourselves?

I confused ketamines and a keto diet. Which might explain that I gained 4 lbs and had some crazy dreams.

I can get into a holiday spirit if it's rum or gin.

The best way to age a bottle of wine is to give it to a non drinker and wait until it's regifted.

Is there a 12-step program for Lindt chocolate ball addiction?

On Christmas Eve some people like to track Santa on radar. I track the Uber driver with dinner.

When you get older Santa Claus is replaced by Cigarette Charlie

is it true that Jews flock to Chinese restaurants on Christmas? You bet they do. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

Your book, "Loved Mars, Hated the Food" is definitely a great remedy for what ails us! Take a break, folks. Get this book, and enjoy! 💓

Jewish photographer Mosa Mandil took this photo of his children in 1940 to promote his photography business for Christmas. It would later save his family's lives. When stopped by SS officers, Mosa used the photo as "proof" that the family couldn't be Jewish.

To the sex bots that I haven't blocked, have a Merry Christmas.

This year, hand out those restraining orders to your family before Christmas rather than after.

Me: How much is that funky postmodern Christmas tree? Clerk: Sir, that is a coat rack.

My festivus pole has arrived just in time!

L

A day of rest is the best remedy for a world full of stress and discourse. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

The most useless invention must be the chip clip. Who doesn't finish the bag?

I spotted a squirrel in my backyard eating a bagel. What a little savage. He was eating it without cream cheese or lox.

FIFA called. They want their Peace Prize back.

Neighbour: Make yourself at home! Me: Oh thanks. *grabs the remote from his hands and heads for the fridge*

You're so vain You probably think this tweet is about you You're so vain I bet you think this tweet is about you Don't you, don't you?

The search for 3 wise men in 2025 would be frustrating.

I'm sure not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.

I told my wife it's important to embrace your mistakes and learn from them She gave me a big hug...

Do you know what's sexy? Being kind.

My yoghurt has more culture than some of the people on this app.

Tape mysteries

There seems to be a lot of viruses going around so I'm sharing my cure for a cold. A large cup of tea, lemon, honey, 4 oz of bourbon, 4 oz of cognac, 4 oz of mulled wine, and 4 oz of dark rum. When you awake your virus will be gone.

People have commented on our menorah so here is it's story. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

I have a photographic memory. I just don't recognize anyone in the photographs.

In my popular book Loved Mars Hated The Food there are actual recipes in an Appendix including 7 potato recipes. In honour of Hanukkah I'm offering a bonus latke recipe to anyone who has a copy of the book. Post a selfie with the book or if you left a review, a screenshot of it.

How every van Gogh mug should look.

Does this also count as a Hanukkah miracle? When I bought enough donuts for 8 days but they only lasted 1 day.

The probability of your doorbell ringing increases exponentially each time you have no pants on.

My thoughts on Bondi Beach terrorist attack. open.substack.com/pub/willieha...

After years of anti-Israel protests in Australia, at least 11 Jews were just gunned down at a Hanukkah event. It would have been worse but a bystander disarmed the shooter. Both were Muslims because religion is not relevant but ideology is. This is what globalization of the intifada looks like.