Hope you all are having a fintastic Valentines Day 🦈❤️

"Hi, i couldn't help noticing your tattoo and I'm sorry to tell you this but; in Chinese those characters mean 'No.5 Sweet & Sour Pork'" "Oh thanks, yeah I got it to speed up my order. I can't be wasting time talking. I needs my Pork now"

Astral projecting down the hall to the kitchen to get myself a lil snack from the fridge.

There are so many winter olympics sports who's outward silliness is matched only by how incredibly fucking dangerous they are Winter sports be like: "Ok, coming up next is the Schlimpen-Schlompen chase, and if you get it wrong you get to be disabled for the rest of your life!"

Your boy be lookin like a handsome fantasy dwarf rn, I be looking like a young Santa Claus. I be lookin' like a friendly Viking. I'm rocking that 'mountain folk' physionogmy.

So i saw the new Wuthering Heights movie and my take away was that Emerald Fennel is an evil cum-obssesed goblin that must be stopped.

Gone off those pills that make you feel like you've just been jumped

New Super Mario Bowls 2

🎶All I wanna do is Catch my Wife Screw my Fish Feed my Truck Drive my Beer Drink my Dog And not listen to all the bad stuff happenin in mah cuntry nowadays🎶 🇱🇷💪🦅

The Wind Cries Mildred

My love language is screaming and flailing around violently

Megan Thou Stallion

They're turning me into soup later

The Only Thing More Powerful Than Hate Is the Great Taste of Charleston Chew!

First Non-Binary Monarch. Thier Magesty's Government.

Ahh a beautiful baby girl! We shall name her after the month in which she was born: the most joyous time of the year; Phoebuary!

This did all feel like quite a pleasant reminder that, despite all the out-sized power these corrupt hogs have accrued for themselves; they do not have the culture, they will never have the culture and they will continue to be seen by most people as the deeply weird, histrionic freaks that they are.

I've been banished to the gay weirdo cloud

Its funny how all the snowboarders at the Olympics seem to just be getting back from healing from some horrible spinal injury that'll plague them thier whole lives and then you hop over to the Curling and everyone is like, whatho chaps time for some more cold bowling!

Aaaah, Another fine day in the service of evil

Dnd PCs be like: Inexperienced player: my PC is basically a 1-1 expy of a character I like from popular culture Intermediate player: my PC is a complex, rounded character with a rich backstory and mechanics Veteran Player: I am a machine-gun wielding penguin that uses a magical jet-pack to fly

Tread softly, for you tread upon my dreams homeboy

I wonder what it must be like to live through a period of history where things are generally gradually getting better instead of worse. I bet it must be pretty cool.

Just finished Ahriman the Drip Wizard 😀🪄🔮

🚨 Documents leaked to me reveal a federal watchlist of American protesters suspected of being Antifa - including its supposed leader.

It is my sinerest will and testament that, upon my death, my skin shall be repurposed and made into a kick ass jacket

Groundhog day postponed after emails emerge detailing correspendance between Jeffrey Epstein and Punxatawney Phil

I am a man of constant borrow(ing your lighter and not giving it back)

I have many crappy wares at very unreasonable prices

Don't be jealous y'all but they're peeling my skin off with a cheese knife later

Come into my carpet shop my friend I have many fine carpets just for you

Using a gif or video give everyone a sneak peek at your flirting technique

If you read nothing but back-to-back trashy romance novels but do so *because you enjoy them* then I honestly will respect your choice of reading material infinitley more than if you read nothing but fuckin' self help books and 'important' classics because you think it's what you 'ought' to be doing

This court sentences you to death by Chimp

Aww cripes oh fiddlesticks I've just been sawed in half with a rusty lumber saw aw beans

Sometimes I like to start writing a skeet and then just give up halfw

My Neck, my Back, my Pussy AND my Crack?! In THIS economy???

Why dost thou spurn my affections, babygirl

Feel like starting a band that only makes music that makes you feel bad

Post 4 characters to show off how you portray yourself online

When one considers that most species of Turtles usually subsist on a diet of green leafy vegetables and fruits one can only come to the conclusion that the (evolutionarily lactose-intolerant) Ninja Turtles must have been having pretty constant diarrhea from all that Pizza cheese.

Fitzcarraldo is a movie about how there is nothing in the world more powerful than an insane man with a supportive Italian Girlfriend

I'm often saying that 'Natty don't nyam cattle Natty don't nyam dirt' and many people are starting to agree.

They see me Sharkin'

This town ain't big enough for the both of us, pardner. Let's go to a bigger town where we can finally be together...

Why do I have this saved on my phone

Steps to getting on my good side: 1).-Let me eat your pants 2).-Thats not a euphemism 3).-I desire to consume your pants 4).-I'm going to eat them 5).-It is too late have already eaten your pants