I say this with love: I despise you and hope nothing but pain, sadness and loss follow you until the day you die which I will thenceforth celebrate as mine own birthday

Netflix plans to buy Warner Brothers. Me: Noooo, someone please stop it Someone stops it Me: Noooo, Netflix please buy it

Historians would kill to know what the individual thoughts and concerns of regular people were throughout history. But social media gives us that ability now and most people are unintelligent and uninformed while also being better educated than the average person in almost any other time in history

I don’t know why people think they don’t have to pick their dog’s poop off the sidewalk if it happens to be on top of snow, but I’m sure Malcom Gladwell could stretch the explanation out to full book length in Snow Turds: How Unusual Circumstances Create Unreasonable Behaviors

When I post same joke here and on Threads, it’ll get 2 likes here and 300 likes on Threads, and neither is satisfying but in different ways.

You must keep the conversation going. The algorithm demands the conversation keeps going. The algorithm promises likes and shares beyond your wildest dreams if you keep the conversation going.The algorithm says that if the conversation ends, you end.

To tell how fancy a Mexican restaurant is, simply take the price of their guacamole and divide it by the number of chips they give you. Tonight, my restaurant was a 9.

Feeding all of Epstein’s emails into a large language model to create the world’s worst AI Financier Agent.

I couldn’t tell you if Dead Man’s Wire was a good movie because about 5 minutes into it Al Pacino says he only eats his burritos cut into thirds and for the next hour and a half all I could think about was Pacino trying to eat that center third cut.

Snow was invented by the CIA to track where dogs pee

The level of sibling rivalry we’re currently dealing with is my 6 year-old melting down because his younger brother saw dog poop and he didn’t.

Everyone’s idea for fixing the internet boils down to bringing back something from when they liked the internet, which is myopic and naive, except when it’s my idea of bringing back GeoCities

If anyone in Brooklyn needs the snow outside their apartment kicked and stomped, my 6 year-old would love to do it while I tell him that we are late for school and need to keep going.

Calling ICE fascist doesn’t bother them, because they agree. I hate to say this, but if you really want to get under their skin you’ll have to use AI to make realistic and graphic videos of them sucking each other off.

The first person to kill an ICE agent is going to have a hell of a GoFundMe

I don’t love how my kids show more respect for a timer going off on my phone than me saying it’s time to go.

2016 was when I noticed the trend starting of people online blaming all the very bad things that happened on the year itself, so it’s a little disconcerting to see all the people posting their photos from 2016 full of nostalgia.

If Alamo Drafthouse is going to make people use their phones to order food during the movie, the least they could do is let us use Seamless so we can get food that’s actually good.

Scooping Ben & Jerry’s from a pint into a bowl like it’s Benjamin and Gerald’s

Who would win? Marty Supreme, Forrest Gump, or the velociraptor from Jurassic Park?

I’m old enough to remember when a politician wearing a hat that makes them look like a little kid was enough to end their career.

Congratulations to the English man who consistently shows up on British panel shows despite being objectively unfunny, you are now my second least favorite Jonathan Ross

Going through withdrawal from knowing what the dumbest people on Earth think after uninstalling Threads.

What Marty Supreme really nails about ping pong is that the trick to getting better is to not practice and get into a lot of life threatening hijinks.

While an unimpeachably hilarious joke about U2, now that my son is in kindergarten I’m beginning to discover some unintended consequences about teaching him that after three comes fourteen.

When my toddler needs help in the bathroom but also wants privacy

I don’t care who this pisses off, there are only three genders: Coke, Diet Coke, and Coke Zero.

You just know Democrats are going to find the most useless response to Trump’s illegal war actions in Venezuela. My current bet is Schumer and Jeffries having a moment of silence outside an empanada joint.

I watched Holy Mountain because I saw this still frame from it and thought “Wow that looks crazy” and it was probably the least crazy moment in the entire movie.

Instead of arguing about Marty Supreme or One Battle After Another, I recommend watching Sentimental Value

There should be an Oscar for best movie under 100 minutes, and the category should be called Actual Best Picture

Anytime you see an article about artificial intelligence, just replace “AI” with “refrigerator magnate poetry”

Elf is such an old movie it was supposed to be a surprise when Zoey Deschanel sings, and not a relief that she wasn’t also playing the ukulele.

The better the episode of Pluribus, the worse the greenscreen, and the finale had a real doozy of bad greenscreen.

Why is every Alejandro Iñárritu movie titled Honker: The Tragic Dissolution of Ego Through Success

It’s a law that in TV shows when a character uses a hose to siphon gas from an old car they have to get a little in their mouth and spit it out. The government doesn’t want you to know how delicious gasoline is because if it became common knowledge demand would skyrocket crippling the world economy.

Eating militarized spicy wings. Taking a polygraph test. Dancing down a hallway lined with conscribed TV show staff. It’s fun how we turned promotional work into public humiliation for celebrities. You want me to see your movie? First read a bunch of mean things people said about you online.

Honestly it was pretty cool of Cuomo to let us embarrass him twice in six months.

My cartoon in this week’s issue of The New Yorker

“There IS a spoon and liberals ignore it at their peril” - Ezra Klein in The Matrix.

If Raiders of the Lost Ark came out today it would be viewed as political and divisive. Well anyway, One Battle After Another is really great.

Did Saudi Arabia spend more money to get Pete Davidson to do stand-up or to kill Pete Davidson’s father?

Saw a stranger post online about how much they love a show I think is pretty bad, and I really let them have it* *Their own opinion. Some people have bad taste, and you can just quietly feel superior to them.

People write about Trump the way they write about AI, projecting intellect and intentionality onto something that is just stringing words together.

If you’re pregnant and taking medical advice from Trump, your child has a lot more to worry about than autism.

I still think about the family in this article by @ashleyrparker.bsky.social from 2011. The parents believed the rapture was coming and spent all their money getting the word out while their children could do nothing but watch. I wish someone would follow up on them. www.nytimes.com/2011/05/20/u...

The only upside to this one is that I can actually do something since like a normal person I don’t have Paramount+

Taking Kimmel off the air because he displeased the President is about as clear cut as fascism gets. Bad, bad, very bad. But to do it right after the Emmys when it will be least helpful for Jimmy to win one next year? Cold blooded.

Me: Gets on the subway My phone: Ahh, where are we? Are you lost and dying? Should I connect to a satellite to save us? Subway pulls into station My phone: Here’s a text from Maybe Jon Ossoff that came in a minute ago Subway leaves station My phone: TAP THIS BUTTON AND I’LL CALL US A MEDIVAC!

When people I agree with do something, it is okay. When people I disagree with do the same thing it is not okay. This is not a double standard, it’s a single standard: Do I agree with you? Be someone I agree with and you’ll find me to be very fair.