i'm startin' to think some folks out there are one olsen twin short of a full house

whenever i get a tattoo and someone says i'll regret it i point out the fact that there are dudes out there with "we the people" tattoos that haven't even read the first amendment let alone the whole constitution

Hunter S. Thompson's lesser known brother, Gatherer

childhood is thinking your nana had a weird smelling perfume adulthood is knowing it was the highest concentration of mothballs in one closet mankind has ever known

everyone talks about traumatic flashbacks, but not one talks about traumatic flash forwards i urge you to think of the time travelers, to think of the that's so raven

i treat every ass i see like a dodge ram. i point and ask, that thing got a hemi?

the main difference between an intersection and a crossroads is what kinda deal the devil wants to make for your soul

whoever said lightning never strikes the same place twice has never been pelted with gatorade bottles

after months of really hard math, i've figured out how to harness the power of the sun

one man's great pacific garbage patch is another man's great pacific treasure patch

any music is shoe gaze music if you never look up

While most people my age are running around in the newest of balanced sneakers, I am running around in these two bear traps I stepped on in the woods.

ever since i got these blue blocking lenses for my glasses the blue man group is just 3 white dudes in turtlenecks who are pretty good at drumming

three, six, nine, damn you fine some body explain this math to me one more time

"do you know who my father is!?"- a kid, whose dad went out for cigarettes and never came back, looking for answers

i met a woman who called her labia her labooboo, i hope she's doing well

If you say beetlejuice's name three times he'll show up. If you say my name three times, I'll come.

It's a good thing Neo wasn't a dog he'd have to pick between the cheese pill or the peanut butter pill

everyone is talking about the enshittification of the Internet but I haven't seen anyone talking about how chairs are bad and leading to the enshrimpification of my spine

-febreeze scents I would actually buy: Buffalo wings Nana's infamous spaghetti "sauce" Subway (the sandwich place) Subway (the underground place) anime convention hall Industrial glue Toe jam and earl Mystery flavor Unleaded

Guy who never looked up from his phone finally looking up at night: what is this dark mode?

the latest in cosmic horror: horrors you can comprehend but really wish they were beyond your comprehension

the deadliest sins are stored in the blood think about that next time you want a blood transfusion

can't wait for the meteoric rise of the newest podcast host "definitely not joe rogan in a silly hat and groucho glasses", boe jogan

I'm on a domesticated goose chase

i have a sneaking suspicion that the sexy lady gremlin from gremlins 2 is the only gremlin that you can get wet

If you're gonna yell bigoted stuff from a fast moving car. learn how the Doppler effect works first, idiot

No one makes a fool out of me except the motion sensor faucets in the bathrooms

In human years I'm 35. In dog years I'm an ancient, benevolent entity that distributes food, gives scritches, and goes for walkies.

Rip Sylvia plath, you would have loved air fryers

i have a gambler addiction i love watching people lose money

my favorite part of the thing is when the blood does a little dance

matt if it's a boy, matryoshka if it's a girl inside a bigger girl inside a bigger girl inside a bigger girl inside a big woman

"reader beware you're in for a scare"? way to spoil your own book, goosebumps

tried to order my usual meal at a chain restaurant but they ran out of 18 inch gold chains for the day

what if the candyman can't? ever think about that? what if the candyman got other things to do today? what if the candyman is prioritizing his peace?

bitcoin? yeah i've tried testing the authenticity of dubloons with my teeth before

i miss the days where con artist were artists. where's the pizzazz? where's the razzle dazzle? there's no soul in the con anymore 😔

I thought I did magic mushrooms in high school. Turns out it was just regular mushrooms, the power of the placebo effect, and a strong imagination

we are entering a new age of BDE, welcome to the era of Big Dawg Energy

Devastated I didn't make weight. Looks like I won't be competing to be the new mechanical hare down at the tracks this year

Eating the leftover coins in the mall fountain to become less money hungry and more money full

A sleep paralysis demon is just a sleep paralysis friend you haven't met

chest surgery but it's to replace them tiddies with two bear traps

It's been nice to re-connect four with my old strategy game

Demons aren't real they were made up by Big Board Game to sell more ouija boards

got a new job as a jeep wrangler it ain't an easy job but someone has to get those jeeps up on top of a big rock in front of a local car dealer ship

Whenever I say something in bed I add "in fortune cookie" at the end to make it sound wise