When you call in Raptured to work then run into your boss on the tribulation plains of Gehenna 😫😫😫

What are some good places to slouch towards for someone just getting into being a rough beast, its hour come at last

How it feels being a Brit and being told increasingly implausibly that a world leader isn't on death's door

THE WETHERSPOONS BOUNCER: You don't have any outside drinks, do you lad? ME:

Sometimes I think I handled lockdown OK. Sometimes I'll see just how I was typing back then

Thinking about getting really into being a guy with light to moderate back pain

Doing a remake of The Enigma Of Amigara Fault where "my hole" is replaced with "my assigned window seat on a five hour summertime British Rail journey" and the shape at the end is whatever kind of semi-ambulatory sweat golem I have today become

Tenancy deposit dispute scheme dismissed 96% of what my old landlord tried to get me to pay them. Very smugly feeling this right now lads

ME: Grandpa... I have finally opened my lasagna restaurant... are you proud MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.

Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month

[Witnessing my mighty works decay through time and entropy, leaving only two vast and trunkless legs in a boundless desert] My works!

ETHAN HUNT: I'll stop you. I don't care how many backflips I have to do THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by

One time I saw a scorpion get out of a car wearing a jacket with Ryan Gosling on the back

I think if Rihanna flirtatiously called me a "rude boy" I'd probably get pretty offended. Once her team explained it to me I'd calm down but it would be a tense twenty to thirty minutes until I got it

Can't believe I just spent three days in a delirious state from a nearly 40° fever and the best post idea I hallucinated was "what idiot called it Battlestar Galactica and not Deep Space Nine Eleven"

BREAKING: Astronomers blame unprecedented "twice as many stars as usual" cosmic anomaly on rare newborn two-headed calf - "As a scientist, I say we stomp that freaky bovine twerp, pronto"

I'm about to open a can of whoopass. Not right now though. Gonna put it in the freezer so it's nice and frosty when I open it up in ten minutes. Now to simply remember to open it so I don't get whoopass all over the fridge

Hey guys, sorry if you had any issues with Mickey 17. Bong Joon-Ho said every time I suggested he should focus on one or two themes and develop them satisfyingly, he'd add another scene that was just about sauce. Needless to say it only took eleven or twelve times before I got the message

I have GOT to get better at taking my meds before bed. Dreamt last night of a dating app for centrists called "Nuancd". Product of an ill mind.

People that say they'd want to live in the pokemon world need to read up on Rawls' Veil of Ignorance. You think you'd be a Cooltrainer or a Hex Maniac, but think about how many Shorts Mans there are. I don't think you'd want that. I know I don't

Elon keeps bitching about how hard it is to be the richest man alive. Buddy, I've got two solutions for that problem. Three if you're ready to get real open minded

ME: Don't worry, man. You'll be remembered, in the same breath as such greats as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens! THE BIG BOPPER: Wow, people will love my music forever? ME: well, uh BOPPER: or will it be for my talent for surviving plane crashes? ME: you're putting me in a real bind here, Bopper

ME, USING A TIME MACHINE TO INTRODUCE PEOPLE IN 1946 TO BILLY JOEL: So that one was "We Didn't Start The Fire". It's all about the next 40 years. JFK AGE 29: what did that one line about me mean ME: this next one is Piano Man. It's about a Piano Man, I guess JFK: what, er, ah, did it fucking mean

Sorry, I'm gonna be late, my bus is having the plot of the movie Speed happen to it. Yeah I know it seems like that would help get me there faster but it's actually way less convenient than you'd think

MY MUM, SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001: oh God. It's all too much MY DAD: Jesus. Did you hear about the Pentagon ME, SIX YEARS OLD, HAVING LEARNED MY SHAPES THAT MORNING: yes :)

Fuck my life, just got another Deliveroo order to Lara Croft's house. "The garlic bread is squashed" listen lady I had to do three separate jumping puzzles just to ring the doorbell. Then she tips with something like one of the Twin Gems of Ra. I can't pay my rent with that. They only take full sets

Recently gotten really into breaking into the zoo at night and reading Sartre to the animals. The keepers are mad as hell that the gorillas keep signing shit like "but which of us is really in a cage?" at them but I won't stop

The Bulletin Of Atomic Scientists have updated the Doomsday Clock to one minute to 1am, ahead of their holiday to Italy

My Oscars take: if Hideo Kojima was writing a script about a woman who was both split in half and made greater than she was, he would call the character Demi Moore

A biopic of Michael Jackson's pet chimp Bubbles but he's played by a live-action Robbie Williams

It's been a long while since I last felt this sleep deprived. Last time I started thinking a lot about the Green Goblin. Excited to see where this time takes me.

People need to stop calling everything they see AI. My mate Gaz spent literal weeks going against God and nature to breed an army of bipedal police bulldogs, and now he's inconsolable that everyone's accusing his hard work of being AI. Sort yourselves out.

I can't believe it's 2025. I'm still writing 2023 on my suicide notes!

One thing you need to know about me is that I've convinced myself that I could survive most movies (your Die Hards, Midsommars, etc) but I also know in my heart that if I got into a Challengers (2024) scenario I would be dead nigh on immediately

Currently working on a new horror subgenre just for Mancunians

Having some doubts about the authenticity of the rip of Phantom Thread I downloaded

I'm glad the Twelve Angry Men Cinematic Universe reboot is taking the time to give us origin movies rather than rushing to the crossover

Mental health hack: if you suffer from intrusive thoughts that don't leave until you verbalise them, but hearing them out loud in your voice makes you feel bad, simply say them in a Michael Caine impression. Not so damaging to hear a cheeky chappy from London say he's really gonna do it, now, is it

[First time meeting an alt couple] So which of you is the Coheed and which is the Cambria

Sometimes when a bottom does something annoying I imagine the guy who invented lube looking on like Oppenheimer

Shoutout to the time I went to the Museum Of Science and Industry and went to the kids area and utterly towermogged some seven year old with my superior architecture

Lady Marmalade is Paddington's drag name

Turning 30 in a few hours. Commence standard operating protocol: Getting Real Weird With It

ME: What if I posted "I guess they call it a cargo ship because it makes the car go in the water 😂 😂""? MY LOYAL MANSERVANT, PERCY: [frowning, shaking his head] ME: What if I made the same post but framed it ironically as part of a fake dialogue PERCY: [smiling, nodding]

You know, they don't call e-girls e-girls in France. They call 'em

You can sing the majority of these names to the chorus of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, in case you needed a pick-me-up

POV: You're the Gorillaz on the Demon Days cover and I'm about to have got your nose

Buying land on the grassy knoll overlooking the JFK Presidential Library to build the Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Book Depository

I am become a Barbie Girl Destroyer of Barbie Worlds