Getting all my potential therapists on a joint Zoom so I can eliminate them one by one Bachelor style

If I say “I’m craving a beer” you’d probably go “This guy’s a lazy drunk.” But if you let me finish, I was actually going to say “I’m craving a biryani,” which in fact means I’m very cultured. And that’s why you should never interrupt people.

Sorry, WHAT kind of zine?

He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more heteronormative

But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end Well baby, I went down on her

(Me watching a horror movie) I hope that never happens to me

Fergisgusting definition make them boys run screaming

Sitcoms are crazy because how is one group of people getting into that many situations

But doctor… Pagliacci tickets are almost $500 on resale

Sometimes I’m like I’m so funny and other times I’m like I’m literally not funny at all

Imagine being launched into the sun. You'd literally die of a Vitamin D overdose

Do Italian people make turkey parmesan for Thanksgiving

Mario. M. Flip it around—Wario

The darkroom at this wedding ran out of poppers and it’s not even 9:30

Hate having to devein shrimp. Would it kill them to douche

Does biweekly mean twice a week or once a year on bisexual awareness week

Indoor skydiving costs $90 for 2 minutes?? I once paid $4 to go in a tanning bed for 8 minutes. LIKE this if you think it should always cost the same to go inside a machine!!!

Since autumn has a cutesy nickname the other seasons should, too: wither, sprout, scorch

Teachers serving pie on 3/14 was fun and all but if mathematicians discover a new number they should name it chikenstripsandfries

The body is tea but the face is yerba mate

You can’t flush toilet paper in Greece but they never said you couldn’t stuff it down the sink

Does “special sauce” denote a particular family of sauces (like barbecue sauce) or is every restaurant’s special sauce uniquely special

Blood on the Clocktower is funny because I’ve never been so blasted that I thought I was a washerwoman

I asked my server “what do you recommend between the jerk chicken and the rasta pasta” and she said “well are you in the mood for chicken or for pasta”

If you get chemicals in your eyes you’re supposed to flush them with clean water for 15 minutes? Girl the drought

Friday night ❌ Frinight ✅

Does anyone actually unironically use the word “santorum”

If I were a singer my first album would be called Greatest Hits

Drag king name Justin Ordinary-Dude

In lieu of flowers the family requests tasteful nudes with good lighting

I wrote the “We all have a story to tell” intro so it was fun to say it on the show and troll Vic in different small ways because I’ve known them for a very long time. When they set up my rap I was similarly throwing to whacky stuff of Vic on the monitor but those became too complicated to shoot

been looking forward to this episode for almost a month and it was worth it. i wish linkin park was real

What if it were spelled “munky”

Why are drag queens the only ones who can adopt and raise career “daughters.” I want an improv son

Hope I’m invited to SNL 100

Nice to meet you too. I’m a comedy writer. No not standup. More like TV. Well it’s all online. Digital content yeah. I’m not sure if you’d know it. You may have seen clips on TikTok or… well it’s like game shows and stuff. Right. Yeah not like scripts or movies. It used to be called CollegeHumor.

Some cities botched “Everybody on Mute” so with CC Tour coming I need everyone on their a-game for the “Throw Your Keys Up” Challenge

If infinite realities exist that means there’s a timeline where I make $400k salary eating Theo James’s ass full time

I feel like you gotta pick just one. Are you my rich BFF or are you my favorite Wall Street girly

I’d be so pissed if my plane crashed after I already paid the $8 for wifi

You think you’re feminine? You’re not even femieight.

My credit card number is honestly sooo funny. If I tell you guys what it is can you promise not to be weird about it

High on the plane and I keep jerking awake so I don’t miss my stop

Gate attendant at the airport was playing Cowboy Carter so I said “strike a match and light up this juke joint” and now I’m on the no-fly list

Was watching the Wizard of Oz with my niece and it occurred to me… we don’t know much about the Wicked Witch of the West or how she came to be that way. Gave me an idea for a fun new story

The Improvisor’s Curse: thinking of allll the funnier choices you could have made

Los Feliz Navidad Jingle Bel Air Have a Hollywood Jolly Christmas Silver Lake Bells I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Monica Santa Claus is Coming to Ktown Eagle Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree DTLAst Christmas Frosty the Sherman (Oaks)

I’ll admit it’s good, but it tastes nothing like Grinch’s balls

Kinda newyorknormative for the Newark Airport to have signs indicating “Train to City.” Sorry but which city? Istanbul? 🧐

What do you think the power dynamic is in a hamper. Do the clothes that have been there the longest reign supreme or is everyone intimidated by the new shirt that’s hardly dirty