Jerk it to me tonight if you didn’t get raptured

hmm better eat all this chocolate real fast so it’s not sitting around tempting me to eat it

whats for breakfast? 🔘 eggs 🔘 eggs with edibles 🔘 chocolate with edibles

No one tell my grandma I didn’t get raptured

do I look good I’ve been working on my inflammation (I’m still inflamed)

Can’t believe you guys are out here 9 to 5 hating on a professional level and only making zero dollars and zero cents. In it just for the love of the game.

can I just go to the rapture tomorrow or is it invite only?

Locked in? Baby I’m outside praying I left a window open I’m as locked out as it gets

Coming over now! I’m bringing clay

If magnesium and the wand don’t work is it time to try ambien?

You have the audacity talk to my monkeys like that??? In MY circus???

I’m all about ethical gooning

“who’s that?” and it’s someone they’ve met five times

Once again have to figure out what to eat for breakfast can you believe this shit??

Fuming over the fact that moving my body and eating healthy does in fact make me feel better

Hair is finally long enough to do the hair bra reveal thing

Fighting off the urge to buy 100 low cut tops right now

Blew a kiss to a guy staring at me and he actually squealed so I’ll probably be thinking of that every time I feel ugly

Thinking about the time that I overheard a Costco employee called the customers “a bunch of apes” because of how we act when they bring out the bananas

I officially have a new favorite dildo

Just posted the full length version! You know where to go

I’m better at draining balls than I am at cleaning mirrors

Finally looked cute for once and only got two dumb photos

Nostalgic for the good old days of hitting a blinker on the penjamin in a Target bathroom and sitting on their big red balls

Nothing is hotter than putting in years of hard work for the bit

Once again asking: are we riffing or are you bullying me?

“hey are you okay?” just say you hate me and want to see me cry in front of a live audience

Is it safe to turn my brain back on yet??

What do you mean these dark chocolate covered espresso beans have caffeine??

I’m a botulism babe now, no one can stop me

Doctor caught me going through his drawers. Don’t know how I was able to root around for as long as I did without him noticing my hand in his pants

Your dream man is the slowest learner in aviation history btw

me: oh cool I like that! comment section: this is stupid and anyone who likes it has bricks for brains

it was NOT the gloomies and creepies keeping me up all night, I just didn’t eat my kiwi

desire to explore the tree hole ✅ desire to protect my hair from spiders ✅

The line between resentment and obsession is thin and entirely dependent on whether or not the way you ruined my day was funny

Ten year anniversary of those nice people telling me it gets better! What a bunch of loser idiots!

oh hey :)

Let me garner some attention real quick

Another one for the media tab

We better be doing denim shorts again this summer

Not now daddy, kitten is razing this hellhole to the ground

nooo babe of course it doesn’t dry me up immediately when you hold your burps in like that what are you talking about??

kefir is just danimals for adults

I’m ready for the pool but is the pool ready for me?

bikini season is so back

Just tried touching grass! Overrated.

looking at this photo in order to curb the monthly urge to cut most of my hair off

Cocktail shrimp instead of Prozac? Sure I’ll give it a shot

Let me take you out, we’ll just put it on the face card