sometimes the hardest cock is in your heart

you know how sometimes you have a hot phlebotomist who gives you goosebumps when you imagine her as a vampire and you hope she'll take just a little bit too much blood to make you weak and helpless and then her nails graze your skin and you shiver and let out an involuntary sigh before she bites

the past few weeks have broken my spirit in new and very boring ways

where are all the groundhog thirst traps, it's groundhog day, is everyone waiting for fucking arbor day to post them???

happy groundhog day!!! make sure your hothog and neutralhog also get a chance to look for their shadows today so they don't feel left out

why did we stop ending conversations by suddenly getting excited and screaming I JUST REMEMBERED and running off

don't interrupt me when i'm thinking about pancakes

when i die i don't want people to be sad, i want them to think huh, i thought she was invincible, and then continue on with whatever they were doing (and then similar when i come back from the dead)

if you don't mind dealing with some mild practical issues like your blood not really flowing, having maple syrup blood is probably pretty great

i would be prettier dead

if god gave me one wish i would make it so the set of amounts of alcohol you can drink without dying and the set of amounts of alcohol under the influence of which life is worth living had non-empty intersection and then i would flirt a second wish out of her and wish for an even better butt

they don't want you to know this but girls can kiss each other actually

parallelograms full of gravity

i could relly go for some homosexual lasagna rn

i'll pray to whichever god has the best boobs

they're only balls if they're from the balls region of france

i wish you a year full of excellent excuses to eat cheese if you're cool or if you're not cool then idk i wish you a year full of go fuck yourself i guess

why won't you smell my blood, do you not love me as much as sharks do

alright this has been great, i'm done with the holiday season now

can we have something like the hanky code for what type of autism we have, i hate when i try flirting with someone and then find out we have irreconcilable autisms

(flirting) hey did you know monkeys circumcise their bananas from the other end?

god couldn't make me a cis women because she knew i'd be too powerful if i could get abortions

me being alive is such a crazy mistake

i could never be a t-rex because it would be too hard to pretend to take someone else's nose with tiny t-rex arms, hard to imagine how i could ever find meaning in a life like that

magic trick: you are now a CAT, you rly wanna meow rn

we are the piss you didn't your pants

cosplaying as a mermaid so i can sadly flop my tail around on a seesaw to no effect

gollum and bilbo hatefucking would've been hot as hell with all the biting and scratching and gollum's moans of baaagggiiiiinnsssss! baaaaagggggggiiiiinnnssssssss! while bilbo's large unexpected precious fills his land of mordor until he erupts like mount doom

a useful heuristic for determining when i'm going to be a very cute nuisance is yes

burgers are the perfect dissociation food shape, it's just science

you know what they say, you can't spell scurvy without curvy!!! *refuses to have any vitamin C whatsoever*

all the fun drugs are gay

switching to estrogen surjections for better coverage

putting our casual sex into lean to make it formal

i'm starting to suspect more people claim things aren't their first rodeos than have been to more than one rodeo

thanksgiving would be a funny day to die tbh

i'll have a baja blast and enough acid to kill an elephant, please

no, it's fine, those are my emotional support paranoid delusions and they're probably true anyway

getting high at my own funeral and laughing at my dead body would fix me

2.5/5 honestly pretty great half the time -review on schrodinger's mystery box

no toads refused

rundowns in baseball were a lot harder for the defensive team back when referees used to actually fucking call people for travelling

listen, we've all had a lot of fun today learning that we truly are ruled by a pedophiliac cabal that permeates every level of big business and government, but also let's not take our eye off the fact that the senate Dems completely betrayed their base and must be primaried until they're all gone

will powers is like if the guy who conducted the stanford prison experiment was reincarnated as a chaser

boymoding is when you have really big tits

somewhere out there the anti kool-aid man quietly whispers "oh no..." to himself while he fixes walls and doesn't carry around a pitcher of his own blood

getting hopped up on those bird autism drugs

how can it be november doesn't that make it yesvember

plural people are some incredible gay innovation, you can fit an entire yuri in one body!!

some halloween costume ideas: -the entire script of bee movie -a bee (as seen in bee movie) -the letter B (can be mistaken for the first word in bee movie)