god couldn't make me a cis women because she knew i'd be too powerful if i could get abortions

me being alive is such a crazy mistake

i could never be a t-rex because it would be too hard to pretend to take someone else's nose with tiny t-rex arms, hard to imagine how i could ever find meaning in a life like that

magic trick: you are now a CAT, you rly wanna meow rn

we are the piss you didn't your pants

cosplaying as a mermaid so i can sadly flop my tail around on a seesaw to no effect

gollum and bilbo hatefucking would've been hot as hell with all the biting and scratching and gollum's moans of baaagggiiiiinnsssss! baaaaagggggggiiiiinnnssssssss! while bilbo's large unexpected precious fills his land of mordor until he erupts like mount doom

a useful heuristic for determining when i'm going to be a very cute nuisance is yes

burgers are the perfect dissociation food shape, it's just science

you know what they say, you can't spell scurvy without curvy!!! *refuses to have any vitamin C whatsoever*

all the fun drugs are gay

switching to estrogen surjections for better coverage

putting our casual sex into lean to make it formal

i'm starting to suspect more people claim things aren't their first rodeos than have been to more than one rodeo

thanksgiving would be a funny day to die tbh

i'll have a baja blast and enough acid to kill an elephant, please

no, it's fine, those are my emotional support paranoid delusions and they're probably true anyway

getting high at my own funeral and laughing at my dead body would fix me

2.5/5 honestly pretty great half the time -review on schrodinger's mystery box

no toads refused

rundowns in baseball were a lot harder for the defensive team back when referees used to actually fucking call people for travelling

listen, we've all had a lot of fun today learning that we truly are ruled by a pedophiliac cabal that permeates every level of big business and government, but also let's not take our eye off the fact that the senate Dems completely betrayed their base and must be primaried until they're all gone

will powers is like if the guy who conducted the stanford prison experiment was reincarnated as a chaser

boymoding is when you have really big tits

somewhere out there the anti kool-aid man quietly whispers "oh no..." to himself while he fixes walls and doesn't carry around a pitcher of his own blood

getting hopped up on those bird autism drugs

how can it be november doesn't that make it yesvember

plural people are some incredible gay innovation, you can fit an entire yuri in one body!!

some halloween costume ideas: -the entire script of bee movie -a bee (as seen in bee movie) -the letter B (can be mistaken for the first word in bee movie)

i really wish bluesky had the option to make your profile private so i could make a few unfirehosed whiny posts i could layer regret and delete forever

we all just want to be lied to by hot lady frogs who dress like tiny amphibious witches and fantasize about shrinking us down and eating us

the problem with flipping coins to make decisions is that first you need to flip a coin to decide what heads and tails mean and this flip itself requires another coin flip, and before you know it you need an infinite number of coin flips and you can never even do one of them

my penis is a useful accessory but my nipples are essential hardware

are you supposed to dab before or after you pee

bananas never caught on as phones because slamming them down was too messy and made a funny squelching sound instead of a forceful thwap so instead people would have to angrily scream things like OH YEAH WELL BANANA YOU TOO before gently putting their bananas down and we all felt too weird about it

ah shit you'll never guess what i brought to the swiss army gunfight

you can either eat pussy like pizza (ravenously, not taking a breath until your foe is vanquished and you have its juices dripping down your chin) or like rice (one grain at a time and if it wasn't made in a rice cooker you have to show them some literature first on why their idol alton brown sucks)

we're not going to have a good, sustainable social media site as long as it is made or run by tech people. that is why I am building my own out of water, small rocks, moss, snails, brightly colored shrimp, one of those sucking fish, a mermaid statue. I'll be honest, this may actually be an aquarium.

i used to kinda like this place

"same-sex attraction" is so silly and redundant, like yeah, of course i'm gonna be having the same sex as whoever i'm doing it with, idk how that makes it gay

goddamn, boobs really know how to act under gravity

balloon animals are some excellent gender

inventing the number secondtwo for when i need a spare

ally who calls themself pancurious because they've only been with women but are willing to try trannies

do u ever talk to someone and just know their brain must have a physical mustache on it somehow

when you think about it everything is really a bar graph of itself

i consumed marijuana once and now i'm a girl, these things must be related somehow

make sure you change up your existential crises every once in a while, it gets boring having the same one too often

slowly making one of your ears smaller and the other bigger until you fall over to one side and get suction cupped to the ground and flounder around like an upside-down turtle

wearing a monocle on exactly one of my boobs so my nudity will be tasteful