kids have no idea why the FUCK they’re called “podcasts”

bmv agent: Please stop doing Robert Di Nero faces me: Is that written down or is that just like a rule you're making up?

"OH SO I'M JUST YOUR WHORE???" -smart shower

watching my mouse's low battery light blink for weeks wondering how much power that fucking led uses

*looking at a photograph of bigfoot* ok but he wouldn't be masturbating

“I don’t like weeds. So I’m hiring a child raping nazi clown to come clear my yard of invasive plants.” -maga

“Honey grab some more chewy breakfast bars, I got centipeded again.”

first meal after recovering from a human centipede, go:

< Hey, my name is Luke Skywalker. > Ok Moonprancer. Here's your mop. Let's see you walk on land while you clean it.

them, on the phone: Did you just open a really big door? me, on the toilet: Yes.

every website now like “ru a robot?” motherfucker YOU’RE a robot outta my way metal tits

Y'all really jumped the shark when you made santa more than one color Can spirit the planet and invade every home in one night? OK! Isn't always a white guy? THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

if you're over 40 there just wasn't an internet when you were a kid and that's weird to think about

🎶 Don’t go pissin’ waterfalls Please piss in the rivers And the lakes That you’re used to

*clears google search history of 'christ-like sybian' before in-laws get here*

eye appointment tomorrow so I'm brushing my eyes extra tonight

an alternate earth where bespoke gasoline is sold by the jar at farmers markets while big granola has a stranglehold on the global energy economy

I’m announcing my own new personal national debt. If I want something extravagant, I get to have it and we add the bill to my national debt and just keep doing that until I die. then I’ll pay it back. promise.

awesome the fun police are here in their yellow uniforms throwing koosh balls

astronauts continue to miss opportunities to deliver some devastating your-mom jokes like it should be a space tradition

*creature emerges from behind bookcase and begins penis-monster-splaining how movies are better than reading*

*weird shitty hands at the ends of my dick arms*

AI coding is a real genie-in-the-magic-lamp situation you'll ask to be the most powerful man in the world and it'll give you dicks for arms and like ok sure I guess

imagine the conversations your family has about your spectrum ass #newspectrumunlocked

I’m honestly confused about the tone shift in maga. He’s been an obvious level of uncontrolled batshit for his entire life. The decline recently has been noticeable but not that tremendous.

you know it got weird off-camera when cheetoface wouldn't stop demanding an answer to his question

Praise Be 2 Allah 2 Furious

like for real imagine all the animals fred tried introducing to young donald and they just knew and were enemies from the word go must be a big pet cemetery out there by ivana

“I like the peanut butter and jelly. But it needs a third thing. I don’t know what tho.” -clients

aide: Mister president, you’re going to barf again. me, on trampoline: EXECUTIVE TIME!

new maga mandate any heroes caught not wearing capes will be deported

adult you: There's infinite free porn and machines that suck your dick anytime you want. child you: So, the paradise we wished for? adult you: *looking down, head shaking, low background sucking noises*

is it fat shaming to say that swalwell was too chubby to be trusted

Invincible feels like someone watched Rick and Morty and decided it needed to be even MORE about penises

*arms of the angels plays over a hot n sweaty montage of angels doing curls and pull-ups. you are turned on by it.*

sneaking up behind your lover, wrapping your arms around them, and then biting clumsily at their hair like a cat

which country do you think the white house will deport the artemis II crew to when they try to reenter america

alpha males don't like it when you block the straight

if men are supposed to get as many ladies pregnant as possible why is sperm so deep inside of us we should be #CoveredInCum

like an actual human wrecking ball if the ball was racist and shit itself

in light of the waning gold standard the IRS is now offering tax refunds in the form of barter it was a tossup between chickens and marshmallows for me

new trump healthcare plan is just free squirrel suits

Statistically, you’re more likely to die in cactus traffic than at the immortal hands of a marauding sand demon.

earth: *a desert that has swallowed a million souls* humans: OOOOOOO A SPOOKY MUMMY PERSON!

pretty solid bet that at some point in the past 24hrs trump tried calling Iran and taking credit for their tolls and demanded a cut

the pullout method. the prophylactic method. the pharmaceutical method. and now the schrödinger method "It's ok sweetheart I both did and did not blast cats inside your box."

< Did you do the dishes?? > They're in the dishwasher, are they not? < Oh fuck you very much, asshole. #SchrödingersChores

human centipede... limp bizkit... lindsey graham... ...there were signs that this timeline was not to be trusted

druski: *pwns the right so hard they cry* jake paul: lol wouldn't it be funny if I did a joke? I'm like, for real going to do a clap back jokey joke. it's going to be SO edgy lolololol. here we go guys. joke is gonna hit hard af here in a sec. when I do it.