every time you scold mike johnson for an unserious action, he cums

Hey guys I invented this new way to solve problems. I call it ‘war’. *one guy gets shot in the dick* Oh shit nevermind. That was way heinous. -me, if I was in charge of inventing war

so if biden had an autopen trump's is what a deceptiquill?

maga has become too crazy even for marge green wtaf

rfk jr looks like the thing figured out that it could do more damage stuffed into a suit and tie

suddenly I’m convinced the vp has a kuato

We want to speak directly to members of the Military and the Intelligence Community. The American people need you to stand up for our laws and our Constitution. Don’t give up the ship.

< Do you want fries or salad? > Holy cow, you're a piece of shit. I don't mind the question but you and that piece-of-shit question are both huge pieces of shit, how dare you. < ...I'll just mark down fries.

now that the epstein files exist again and are coming to light, we learn that trump is rubber, whereas America is glue

pickleball: something you shouldn't do that has become normalized now replace "pickleball"" with "wanton pedophilia" and you get an idea of the psychology of enablement at work here

*smoking hot 22yo* pedophiles and their enablers: Eh. Too worldly.

I envision a Nickelodeon-style masturbation experience, with big goofy buttons and slime zones. Really make hijacking your ham wagon innocent again.

just looked and there's no fapster dot com wtaf

republicans getting a lot of questions about their "pinky swear I don't protect pedophiles" shirts that they thought would be answered by the shirts

maga gonna be like "ok he's a pedophile but that's what makes him so good at kidnapping people"

Still a mystery to me why Sex Toy Story wasn’t a thing Karen’s dildo is lost? Meets up with a scrappy butt plug? The villain is an STD-riddled fleshlight? Hellooooooooo?

“maga” necessarily implies that America is not great maga has always been an anti-American cult, even by their own self-definition for example: labeling anyone who opposes them “antifa”

is it possible to have the salmon unslammed

*line of dudes* oh shet

renaming my house "The Dept of Blowjobs" because reasons

this would be like if tesla made one cybertruck and then stopped when it exploded and killed 13 people be like tesla. dream bigger, dudes.

"GUYS I JUST FINISHED INVENTING THE LATEST THING OH MAN A STORM WE'D BETTER TEST IT RIGHT NOW WHEN WILL IT EVER STORM AGAIN ALSO THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE'RE GOING TO MAKE FOR SOME REASON LET'S ALL PANIC AND COMMIT CRIMES." -that new frankenstein movie

"OMG I accidentally made a quarterback. Dang. Oh well, back to the drawing crucifix." -guillermo del toro's doctor frankenstein

"Ok it's hideous... but I don't want to fuck it. Can we make it a cutie-pie?" -guillermo del toro

< You have dancer. > ...Do you mean "cancer"? < Unfortunately, no. Soon, the rhythm will consume your entire body.

“god’s creation” *watches dozens of baby turtles get eaten* kay

“Let’s build an airplane. Check it out, we did it! But it flies shitty. FUCK AIRPLANES MAKE THEM DIE.” -the wright-frankenstein brothers

it was the best of times. it was the stupidest of times.

one would think the "master negotiator" would be on the hook for, y'know, not negotiating an end to a *record-breaking government shutdown *his own record

Don’t know if it even made the news outside Ukraine. Three combined heat and power plants fully stopped working after last night’s enormous attack. Unclear if anything can be fixed, millions of people are completely without electricity, heating or running water. Before winter.

working on a game called "Call of Peepee" with even more running

What do you do for a job? teacher: I educate people. fireman: I save people. politician: I buy and sell people. ice agent: *gasses and arrests questioner*

the least believable part of frankenstein is that he’d build only one monster and stop instead of creating an elite basketball team that dominated the NBA

I just realized The Hangover is also The Changover

the government had to know their charges against the sandwich thrower wouldn't hold up, on a sub-conscious level

a porno about a flasher who starts hallucinating genitals where there aren’t any called stranger things

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROOKIE!" *rubs au jus on corpse*

cops walking around with sandwiches now looking to catch a body

the “FUCK YOU BIDEN FOR THROWING YOUR OLD BODY IN FRONT OF FASCISM” crowd sucks ass and is lame

*jacking off to the mass adoration of dad bods* -writers with dad bods

I like how the conservative strategy is now just to scream "LA-LA-LA" with their fingers in their ears except the fingers are dicks elephant dicks

wrestling: Hold my genitals...

"LET'S BE THE MANLIEST SPORT. NOW HOW WE GONNA START EVERY PLAY? OH FUCK I GOT IT."

my favorite part of football is when the throwy man gently rests the back of his fingers on the smashy man's taint #sotender

is there a name for when everything switches to where dreams are real and reality is fake? is that dementia? psychopathy? schizophrenia? the term "maga" has an opportunity to do something really funny

democracy: Doesn't matter who is saying it, so long as it is right. white supremacist autocracy: Doesn't matter what is being said, so long as the sayer is white.

democrats: WE NEED A STRATEGY mamdani: *silhouetted by angelic light, holding a burning blue sword* democrats: ick

THAT'S IT LIBS THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS JUST GOT 10X BIGGER

these charges must weigh heavily on the sandwich thrower's sub-conscience

This is brilliant