#ButterIsNotFor bidden in any diet I could follow.

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing Mean Martin

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing David Bogie

Vladimir Putin Could eat no gluten, His wife said lactose made her farty. And so, between the two of them, They ruined their host's dinner party. #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Who killed Cock Robin? I bet it was a bloody wind turbine. #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Oh, the Grand Old Duke of York, Had Virginia Giuffre, So they threw him out of his big country house, And they took his gongs away. #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Cock a doodle doo! My hens have got bird flu! I'll have to bribe the man from MAFF, 'Cos my business loan's overdue! #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Harvey Weinstein, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When he said "I've a part for you" Then showed them it, they cried #metoo! #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Little Jack Horner Sat in a corner Eating his Christmas pie. His friends said "you look thicc" So he got some Ozempic But when asked "how'd you lose weight?", he'd lie. #ModerniseANurseryRhyme

Everybody knows that McSweeney's going to resign tomorrow, right? We've seen this movie before.

I just saw a publicity photo for #ImACelebrity and legit thought at first it was Lisa Riley. Turns out it was Kelly Brook #FullyLoaded

It occurs to me that one reason white racists are also more likely to be climate change deniers is that if/when temperatures DO increase, people whose ancestors were from hotter climes will have an evolutionary advantage. They will quite literally be racially superior.

Smells Like Sistine Spirit #ASongOrMovieForWorksOfArt

Madonna of the Rock Me Amadeus #ASongOrMovieForWorksOfArt

Tang, Yang, Kipperbang #AllAboutTasteInASongOrMovie

Who says mice like cheese? This brie has gummed up my scroll wheel.

RIP Pauline Collins, who must (inter alia) have had one of the longest Doctor Who careers, having appeared alongside both Patrick Troughton (in 1967) and David Tennant (in 2013). I was once in a queue behind her in the menswear department of Brent Cross John Lewis. She seemed very nice.

You know who was roasted in a beef?

It's leg day today. Breast day tomorrow. Saturday, I'll just wing it.

"If Curtis Sliwa had dropped out of the race, as some urged him to do, it may have given Cuomo more of an edge, an exit poll ... shows." Dear BBC, Mamdani got over 50% of the votes. Any split is irrelevant. Can we get our neutral, knowledgeable BBC News back, please? @bbc5live.bsky.social

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting I'm really looking forward to watching Sophie Raworth on the BBC later.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting We're going to need a sizable swing here, because she's got a pretty big cushion.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting This guy's sitting, that guy's standing, and by the end of the night we'll have chosen a member.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting Whatever you do, don't let Farage in by the back door!

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting I couldn't respect anyone who'd do this for a Tory.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting At least now I can tell my friends I've done it, but I don't really get what all the fuss is about.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting This is one of the worst things it's possible to do with an (e)x.

#ThingsYouCanSayDuringSexAndWhileVoting In Britain, we do it by hand. In America, I hear they have a machine for it.

LNER employee Samir Zitouni behaved heroically in the midst of the horrific train stabbings, physically putting himself between the knife-wielding attacker and a girl, and suffering severe injuries as a result. I wonder if he's "British" enough for all those seeking to "protect our women and girls"?

Haka Herald Angels Sing #DanceTypesInASongOrMovie

Eternal Flamenco #DanceTypesInASongOrMovie

Ceilidh #DanceTypesInASongOrMovie

🎵Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquareDance! #DanceTypesInASongOrMovie

Make Your Bed #ASongOrMovieForEveryDayTasks

Ghostdusters #ASongOrMovieForEveryDayTasks

Carrageen Ann #ASongOrMovieForFoodAdditives

The Aspartaming of the Shrew #ASongOrMovieForFoodAdditives

Luck E-Number #ASongOrMovieForFoodAdditives

Feeling proud of myself because I ended Halloween with exactly one sweet left in the trick or treat bowl.

There was a statue whose base stands, broken off at the knees in the sands, It reads "These are my works, What have you done, you jerks? I'm the GOAT, you plebs. Love, Ozymands"

Chapeau, Senator!

My problem with the defenestration of Prince Andrew is that if, as he claims, he's innocent of the crimes of which he's accused, then it's a very harsh punishment for poor judgement in choice of friends; but if he's guilty, it's nowhere near enough.

I'm going as parcels delivered to your house in error.

People who support the actions of Israel in Gaza: in your opinion, how many civilians is too many to kill during a ceasefire?

The monitoring by our phones is getting ridiculous. A character on a drama I'm watching mentions their boiler is broken - I get days of boiler ads. A YouTube video mentions "flimsy IKEA panels" - I get an IKEA ad within 30 seconds. Don't believe they're not always listening.

🎶Port Salut, I was defeated, you won the war...🎶 #TypesOfCheeseInASongOrMovie

Wake Me Up Before Yarg Go-Go #TypesOfCheeseInASongOrMovie

Leerdammerbusters #TypesOfCheeseInASongOrMovie

This doesn't sound sinister AT ALL. No, Sirree!

Sexy Ser Ilyn Payne Actually, I think that might work.