If Alpha has a million fans, then I am one of them. If Alpha has ten fans, then I am one of them. If Alpha has only one fan then that is me. If Alpha has no fans, then that means I am no longer on earth. If the world is against Alpha, then I am against the world.

Chicken wing, chicken wing, hotdog and bologna

This is so funny imho

I'm giving away 3 #FFXIV /eatchicken emotes for FREE.99! Enter here: gleam.io/kpPTD/eat-ch...

May I offer you some chicken in these trying times?

I will never trust a man with a mustache.

She's dead

Normalize men in slutty little ponytails

I grew 5 inches when I turned 21 and it was so painful I thought I couldn't go on. Elezen growth spurt must be unbearable.

What trolls don't realize is that I have absolutely nothing riding on streaming so I can rip them to shreds for fun.

Hot water exploded all over my bathroom

if i see a thursday i’m going to do something we all regret

Thank you for stream! If you missed it, I will not be on next Monday so get your Umi time this week! ..or don't. I'm just your father. You wouldn't abandon papi in these trying times would you?

choose your fighter

I don't want to be your oshi... I want to be the reason you yell "OSHIIIIIIT" when I've cursed you to have diarrhea for six weeks.

You look like the type of guy who thanks a girl for insulting him. Pathetic. ($10 please)

my therapist told me to express myself

I don’t care about your 'Body Count.' Does your body count for anything when I’m bored?

Imagine being an 'Alpha' and getting your feelings hurt by a drawing. Evolution really failed some of you.

oh hey im live on twitch umi_majo

it’s not a phase, it’s a lifestyle.

I’m in a 'ruin your life' mood today. Who’s first? How much will you pay for it?

Stop asking for 'natural' girls when a woman has never looked in your direction in the first place.

Telling my kids this is Jesus

New screen, who dis?

cheaper than a co-pay

Imagine paying for 'Early Access' just to be a free QA tester for a billion-dollar company. You’re a volunteer, not a player.

If he says 'I'm a simple man,' he means he has no hobbies and expects me to entertain him. Hard pass.

do it. i’m watching.

E-girls aren't ruining gaming. Your lack of a personality is. They’re just more interesting to look at than your mid gameplay.

Roguelikes are for people with commitment issues. (I know. I'm talking about myself)

We’re going to fuck.

don't ask me where i am right now

Men will spend $2k on a PC just to play a game from 2004 and still be mid at it. Seek help.

I treat my chat like a pet store. Some of you are goldfishes, most of you are feeder crickets.

They sucked my ink dry chat.

Please clap

Guys will be like “I’m a great cook” and then send me this:

A manager? You mean a professional fan who gets paid to watch me ignore their emails? Pass.

I thought BBNO$ meant Baby Not Spice-Girl

Deleting all my dating apps and finding love the old fashion way... in the Praetorium.

Bros caked up

The only thing “vtubers should do” is whatever they fucking want to do.

Do you ever like... just become really aware of your teeth existing?

What’s something people brag about that immediately makes them less impressive?

I love when people project motives onto me that are way more calculated than anything I actually do.

I’m not intimidating, you’re just used to streamers who ignore the trolls. I eat them for breakfast ^-^

They freed me from the workshop! Happy Christmas!

There's still so much coming for my 3 year anniversary this weekend! While you wait for the madness tomorrow, grab some of my new merch on @uwumarket.bsky.social

Care you gamba? To celebrate my 3 year anniversary, I am giving away signed posters! Join the dickscord (link below) to enter and get more info in the news channel! See you in 2 hours for my ¿¿ʇnqǝp ʇıɟʇno ʍǝu¿¿ 💜 umi_majo