they give us this kind of intensity and tell us not to ship them? oh wait, they actually tell us TO ship them, it's fine, everything's fine

need to write exposition during an action scene in WIP 1, a very vaguely outlined part of a case in WIP 2, and a completely unfamiliar setting for an important dialog in WIP 3. I hate myself so much right now.

my mother, who is a die-hard Lucifer stan, has discovered Samifer. I don’t remember when I heard her so happy. (just so you understand the situation, she once told me that “Lucifer loves and protects Sam,” and that was before she realized she could ship them)

I was, once again, researching and outlining while insomniac at five am, and now my short, simple, straightforward New Year wincest joy fic starts with a tail end of a case featuring a possessed fire-breathing traditional Polish bull costume. this is fine.

Dean's face when his brother announces he's going on a date (not with Dean)

I have seven fully outlined plotty/semi-plotty wincest fics and the hardest part is choosing which to write first: witch Dean? temporarily resurrected post-Trials Sam? Purgatory-infected Dean? Mark of Cain Dean? Sam's wife in Heaven? Chuck's new apocalypse? soulless Dean? aaaaaaa

was filling gaps in a post-season 8 AU fic outline while half-asleep at six am, and now I have Cerberus munching on human Crowley. brain. why.

❤️from the rain comes a river💙 ~5k, post-finale #wincest, Heaven, explicit, getting together, I made myself cry again but it’s a happy story for Now It’s Perfect archiveofourown.org/works/74408076

#wincest Dean cuts him off with a swift swipe of his tongue and a tight press of his lips, even though Sam is right. It’s just that, in this world they inhabit, being right is so far from being happy, Dean can’t let Sam fall off that cliff.

I've written several versions of Sam's post-barn life now, but this is the one that made me cry the hardest. if you are in need of more tears this finale anniversary, here's one way to get that.

every time people on SPN discord discuss bad characterization tropes, I’m immediately terrified that I’m doing exactly that, am consumed by shame, and feel a pressing need to delete everything I’ve ever written. every single time.

going over a fic outline and, apparently, I inserted this sentence into the middle of a romantic scene while I was asleep: “He hisses when he fears Chill is talking about them on the order of Central.” no idea what it means. there is no Chill or Central in the story. brain, wtf.

oh yes, Sammy, you absolutely gotta see this thing 😏😏😏

are you fucking kidding me (I have finally watched The Boys)

today I'm sad because I'm too dumb to come up with a plot that doesn't suck, and yet I keep outlining plotty fics that make no sense. it's like I'm aware that I'm stupid but not aware enough to shut up and know my place.

I’m skipping writing hours to spend time with husband who was allowed to come home for a week, and two days in, I don’t see any point in getting back to it, all my WIPs are boring as hell and have major fuckups in them and why am I even trying to do this at all aaahhh

if you plot a wincest fic long enough, at least one of the boys is going to die.

500k words of Wincest on AO3, 100k+ more words in drafts since last February. I'm totally normal about those two.

❤️scared of what's above (oh what will I become?)💙 ~5k, Stanford Era #wincest, explicit, established, one-sided phone sex archiveofourown.org/works/73889941

#wincest “I lick along them, lap up your pain, take it away.” Like he’s always done, all their lives. He’ll do anything—and 'anything' means a lot in their world of expanded possibilities—to spare Sam and he’s doing it now because the pain of this is nothing to the pain of not having at least this.

just as I made peace with not having a festive wincest fic this year, my brain hit me in the face with a fully formed New Year fic concept at three am, so 'tis the season again I guess.

it’s hard for me to assess whether a case is good or not, so I operate on the principle “if it comes from my brain, it sucks” but does that stop me from writing more cases? you wish.

❤️Strictly Business💙 ~13k, season 9 #wincest, jealousy, angst with a hopeful ending, explicit, first time in a long time for Wincest Big Bang 2025 with art by Mörökölli archiveofourown.org/works/732828...

I don't have a sentence for today's ficwip game, so have a sneak peek into a WIP that my alpha reader M. called "a blend of horror and romcom."

❤️a seal upon thine heart💙 ~9k, Stanford/season 1 #wincest, #nsfw, getting together, angst with a happy ending Five times one of them leaves and one time they both stay. for #allshipsweek by #ficwip archiveofourown.org/works/73105516

another gift from husband 😂🤣😂🤣😂😂😂

#wincest Sam gets a surprise visit from Dean at Stanford. He really wants it to work.

randomly remembered getting back into writing five years ago and being absolutely sure I wouldn’t be writing smut because I’m too ace and wouldn’t know how. well. ahem. hahahahahahahahahahaha

Did I wrap my romance in horror again? Yes, I did.

❤️hope is the thing with feathers💙 ~9.5k, season 4 #wincest, case fic, angst with a happy ending, explicit, getting together for Monstertober archiveofourown.org/works/72707456

me: John Winchester vibes husband: yes, except whiskey instead of milk

re-read the outline and notes for a kylux project from a couple years ago and damn, I love it, it’s gonna be so much fun to write, I just need to find the time between my 100+ wincest projects. why can’t I write faster or at least for more time a day.

this is gonna be fun, folks. I promise.

every time I sit down to write a finale-related fic, I'm like okay, I'm pouring all the feels I have about it into this one and then I'm done. closure achieved. tears exhausted. reader. I am never done.

mystery spot but instead of dying, Dean reveals his feelings for Sam and they fuck, so Sam gets over a hundred first times with his brother, which is kinda nice and also negates the hell countdown, so the show ends there, leaving the boys in a happily amnesiac ever after.

I'm floored every time I receive a nice comment on my early wincest fics, which I wrote before even finishing the show. I always fear that they're awkward and clumsy and overeager, and the fact that someone actually likes my uncontrolled bursts of feels is unbelievable.

day one since I damaged my brain by watching the Duolingo anime trailer. I am now outlining a case fic where Sam and Dean hunt Duo the Owl. for the love of god, send help.

eight hours of an almost non-stop drone & missile attack during the night, no power or water for the last nine or so hours, it’s three pm and I’m beyond exhausted. send gifs.

Sam knows Dean wants him. Dean knows Sam wants him. they also know that if they give in to this, they will lose sight of everything else, and they can't let themselves do it. in the afterlife, though? when they aren't responsible for the world anymore? oh, the joy.

mental breakdown mostly over (only cried about the finale today, which is normal), but I'm having trouble recovering interest in my writing (which is not normal). any advice?

so Sam kisses Dean. it happens. little brothers get confused. so Sam kisses Dean again, two years later. and again, in another two years, and he's not so little anymore, and Dean can't keep lying to either of them. so Dean kisses Sam back. big brothers get confused, too.

and what if Dean knows his teen brother is pining for him without Sam having to tell him? what if he kisses Sam as a gift on his 18th birthday? what if he says, "I know, Sammy" and "it's okay" and "you're okay" and "we're okay"? what if, just for a moment, they really are okay?

teenage Sam spying on Dean's dates and realizing, in a white flash of terror, that he doesn't want to be Dean getting the girl—he wants to be the girl getting Dean. he doesn't know what to do with this knowledge except run, so he runs, but he can't run away from himself.

Sam kissing Dean just before leaving for college, just before the fight with Dad, telling him he wants Dean to come with but knows he won't, so at least let him have this, and Dean kisses back, shock turning to a brief flash of happiness that slides into devastation.

thinking about Sam thinking about Dean thinking about him as they lie in their beds, Sam at Stanford, Dean in a crappy motel, remembering the last time they fucked, a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday, stroking themselves and pretending they aren't thinking about each other.

#supernatural #spn “God-defiers, world-defilers, poison of order,” Hel lists, and Dean wonders if they should feel flattered to have so many titles attached to them. “I was told about you.” She clicks her tongue and comes back to stand in front of them. “You are disappointing.”

mental breakdown continues. have been crying for three days straight, and not even about the finale. barely able to write. not meeting my word count targets at all. have no one to talk to. this is fine.

today's Roman Empire is Dean praising Sam's high school play, nothing like a supportive big brother 🥹

mental illness is so dumb. you need support because you are mentally ill, but you don't deserve support because it's not like you have a real solvable issue, you're just mentally ill.

realized why the church scene hits me so hard: for most of my life, I was literally thinking “I’m letting my big brother down by being alive” AND he confirmed it. I don’t have a punchline for this, just a desperate need to know that at least someone is okay with me existing.