ROLL OVER AMELIA BLOOMER Trump Complains the FBI Made a Mess of Melania’s ‘Panties’ Melanie is a “very meticulous person. Everything is perfect. Her undergarments…sometimes referred to as panties, are folded, perfect." “I think she steams them,” he added.

ROLL OVER LITTLE MISS MUFFET We are set if she should drop in over the holidays.

AND THEY SAY THERE'S AN AFFORDABILITY CRISIS Fun fact: The name "Goober" comes from a traditional Southern nickname for peanuts, originally derived from the Gullah word guber (meaning peanut) and the KiKongo word nguba.

AND I THOUGHT WE HAD PROBLEMS DOWN HERE IN THE STATES Canadian Linguists Rise Up Against the Letter ‘S’ Canadian linguists and editors are not pleased. Words using British spellings have suddenly appeared in documents published by the Canadian government. It is a sneaky, slimy, letter, after all.

A STEAL AT TWICE THE PRICE At La Grande Boucherie foresighted diners can advance-order a whole roast suckling pig for the table, for $600. Sides are extra though:

INFLUENCERS STILL DROPPING LIKE FLIES (PART 4) TikTok star Tucker Genal has died at the age of 31. The influencer committed suicide. Surgery addict Mary Magdalene plunged from a hotel balcony. Beauty influencer Stefanie Pieper was found dead after her body was discovered in a suitcase.

TIP FOR VISITING MARTHA STEWART Martha doesn’t recommend bringing just any handmade gift. “I sometimes don’t like to get homemade jams and jellies, because I don’t know if they’re any good. You know what I mean? I make my own jams and jellies, and I know how good they are."

TIP FROM MY GRANDMOTHER: IT'S ALWAYS IN THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK How Did the C.I.A. Lose a Nuclear Device? (nyt) Maybe in the trunk of the car? In the back of the coat closet?

MAYBE HE CAN GET HIS SAUDI AND RUSSIAN FRIENDS TO PONY UP Biden Has Raised Little of What He Needs to Build a Presidential Library (nyt) Oh, sorry. Wrong president.

AS OPPOSED TO ACCIDENTALLY SHOWING UP WITH A TRAY OF EGGS? Martha Stewart brings gifts to a party. “I have the best eggs in the world. I take a tray of eggs. I line them up in stripes: dark brown from the Marans, the Araucana blue and the Araucana green. And, you know, I do that on purpose."

ROLL OVER JOHN ENDERS South Carolina measles outbreak is 'accelerating,' driving hundreds into quarantine.

ROLL OVER DR. RUTH Barron Trump allegedly chatted with accused rapist Andrew Tate about the influencer’s criminal charges and even received dating advice from one of the controversial Briton’s associates. JEFF EPSTEIN BEING UNAVAILABLE, HE CHOSE THE NEXT BEST OPTION

ROLL OVER ALEX TREBEK A Jeopardy! contestant who won two nights in a row has been arrested and accused by the authorities of being a peeping tom. Joey DeSena, was charged with two counts of felony secret peeping and posted bail last Wednesday. Ken Jennings caught him looking at the questions

ROLL OVER YELPERS Miss Maxwell reviews her accommodations: She praised the food, complimented the cleanliness and hailed the warden's 'excellent' leadership skills. "It is run in an orderly fashion which makes a safer, more comfortable environment for all concerned, inmates and guards alike."

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT Cracker Barrel fans are furious with the restaurant CB has started making its famous biscuits in large batches rather than preparing them on demand. Side dishes are being prepared in ovens instead of using stovetop kettles. THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

ROLL OVER MADAME TUSSAUD They had to snap this picture quickly as the wax had started to melt.

MULTI TASKER “President Trump was listening attentively and running the entire three-hour marathon Cabinet meeting,” - White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

PENCIL NECK GEEK SAYS WHAT? Tom Cotton said he saw them “trying to flip a boat loaded with drugs bound for United States back over so they could stay in the fight. He "didn't see anything disturbing in the video." He asked the Senators if they were going to believe him, or their own lying eyes.

THE TIMES GOES OUT ON A LIMB Trump Appears to Doze Off During Cabinet Meeting President Trump seemed to be fighting sleep Tuesday. -nyt "Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all

ROLL OVER, SOUP NAZI We have sh-- for f---ing poor people. Who buys our s---? I don’t buy Campbell’s products barely anymore,” Martin Bally, vice president and chief security officer for Campbell’s Soup. “Bioengineered meat — I don’t wanna eat a piece of chicken that came from a 3-D printer,”

COMPARED TO THE HITLER YOUTH, I GUESS Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth plans to cut military ties with Scouting America (the Boy Scouts), because they are not macho enough, attack boy-friendly spaces, are too genderless, push gender confusion, are adopting diversity, equity, and inclusion.

ROLL OVER TONY PERKINS An Italian man is accused of benefit fraud and hiding a body after dressing up as his dead mother – including mimicking her hairstyle with a wig, wearing makeup and jewelry – in order to claim her pension. Police found the woman's body hidden in the laundry room.

ADVICE: FOR STARTERS, IXNAY ON THE MEPHISTOPHELES LOOK Lawrence Krauss asked Jeffrey Epstein for advice when he was facing sexual harassment allegations. Mr. Krauss was a professor at Arizona State University at the time. Falsely accused of sex stuff? Call Jeff Epstein! That's 1-800-PEDOPHILE

ONE LAST PERK: THEY LET HIM KEEP THE BIG HAT Andrew Mountbatten Windsor was today seen in public for the first time since he lost all his titles and became a commoner.

ROLL OVER GEORGE COSTANZA Partner Finds Having Sex With An Attorney On His Desk Isn’t A Terrific Career Move Jasvinder Gill embarked in a sexual relationship with a junior lawyer. He kissed her, and had sex with her on his desk twice He’s suspended from the legal profession for two years (atl)

WHO SAID IT? "No matter who you are, everybody loves something at McDonald's. I like the fish. Khhhhh. I like it. You could do a little bit more tartar sauce though please. Seriously." A. The Dalai Lama B. Martha Stewart C. Donald Trump D. Saquon Barkley EL GORDO IT IS:

TAX CHEAT SAYS WHAT? The reason beef prices are so high is because immigrants from South America are bringing their cattle with them as they come here and they are infected with diseases”

IS THAT A PROMISE OR A THREAT? Pierce Brosnan vows to continue acting until his 'very last breath.'

SEEN THE NEW MOVIE? Guillermo Del Toro's “Frankenstein” is a breathtaking coup But once Victor Frankenstein’s creation achieves not only sentience but literacy, his torture truly begins. He wonders who he is, and where he belongs.

ROLL OVER JEFFREY EPSTEIN Elon Musk’s xAI recently unveiled Ani, a digital anime girlfriend. Meta has permitted its A.I. personas to engage in sexualized conversations, including with children.

WHERE'S CROAKY? Haven't heard from this nut in a while. He must be working on another medical breakthrough.

THE CARNAGE CONTINUES: Part 3 Nutritionist influencer Diana Areas dies after 'falling from top of building Food influencer Michael Duarte was shot and killed by cops in Texas Tragic influencer dies after her she she drank dodgy homemade whisky Influencer found dead on billionaire’s yacht

A HAPPY ENDING A woman testified that Matt Gaetz sexually abused her when she was 17 Trying to save up to buy braces - she advertised as an 18 year old on a sugar daddy dating website She said she had sex with Gaetz on a pool table. She was paid $400 She eventually saved enough to afford braces

ROLL OVER ISADORA DUNCAN Baker is strangled to death by her own bread-maker when her scarf gets caught in dough mixing machine.

I HEARD THEY WERE DISCUSSING TARIFFS In a message obtained by Congress, the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein wrote that Donald J. Trump spent hours at his house with one of Mr. Epstein’s victims.

DANGEROUS JOB, PART 2 Men in Mali killed TikTok influencer Travel Influencer Dies in Las Vegas Nursing influencer Hailey Okula died after giving birth to her first child. Travel influencer Anunay Sood’s death was announced Barbara Jankavski, known as the “Human Barbie,” died AND SO IT GOES:

RICH AS CROESUS, NUTTIER THAN A FRUITCAKE “Western Civilization is doomed, unless the core weakness of suicidal empathy is recognized and actions are taken that are hard, but necessary for survival,” WHAT? HE WORRY?

ROLL OVER, RED BULL Jolt Cola is back!

ROLL OVER JOE BIDEN Sleepy who?

HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU, MR CIATTARELLI? He lavished Trump with praise: "We’re very thankful for all he’s done to improve the economy. I'd give the president an A. “I think he’s right about everything that he’s doing.” THREE TIME LOSER:

SHOCKING! I WAS SURE HE WOULD OWN UP. Trump continues to lick his wounds and publicly proclaim the Democrats' massive wins around the country were not his fault.

CAPTAIN COURAGEOUS Even on Election Day, Schumer Is Mum on Mamdani The top Senate Democrat never endorsed Zohran Mamdani, his party’s young left-wing nominee for mayor, and declined to even say who he had voted for. (nyt) FEARLESS LEADER:

MOST DANGEROUS OCCUPATIONS: ROOFER, LOGGER, INFLUENCER Barstool Sports influencer dies at 31 Trucker girl’ influencer dies at 41 Influencer Ben Bader dies 25 Kadu Santos, Bodybuilding Influencer, Dies at 31 Free birth” influencer dies Influencer, daughter of TV host dies at 19 PART 1 OF A SERIES:

HEY INCELS, YOUR SHIP HAS COME IN! The market for sex dolls is booming, especially for men. They’re becoming cheaper, more realistic and increasingly customizable. In one study, men who were shy or reserved were more likely to be interested in purchasing them. (wapo) I GOT MINE (LOLA) ON EBAY

AARGH! "Let A.O.C. go against Trump" Trump said. Let Jasmine go. The first questions are easy: tiger, elephant, giraffe. When you get to 5 or 6, then you get up to 10 and 20 and 25, they couldn’t answer any of those questions." Mr. Trump didn’t specify which test he was talking about.

YES, WE KNOW. “Look what happened to our Country when a Crooked Moron became our ‘President!’ We now know everything,” Trump wrote on his social media platform Truth Social. He tells the truth, for once.

ALL SYSTEMS DOWN! DEFCON 1 ! Eight Sleep’s smart products, which include “intelligent” mattress covers, were affected by an outage. Isaiah Granet woke up drenched in sweat. He couldn’t access the product’s app. “It’s not loading because of A.W.S., which means I have no way to access my bed. (nyt)

TOOTHPASTE! AS SEEN ON TV!

STOP THE PRESSES! Wealthy Americans Are Spending. People With Less Are Struggling. (today's nyt)

MAYBE EVERYONE SHOULD USE CHATGPT AND WE CAN ALL WIN THE LOTTERY Powerball winner reveals how she used ChatGPT to generate winning numbers. 'I asked ChatGPT for a set of Powerball numbers and those are the numbers I played,' Tammy Carvey said.