DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS Washington Post announces sweeping layoffs as it scales back news coverage. Will the last one out please turn off the lights.

Fox News host Jesse Watters bizarrely claims the US owns the MOON The squalling cat and the squeaking mouse, The howling dog by the door of the house, The bat that lies in bed at noon, All love to be out by the light of the moon.

THEN ICE OFFERED HER A JOB AND A BIG BONUS Kids were beaten with a wooden stick, emotionally abused by pre-kindergarten teacher.

Trump threatens 200% tariffs on French wines to get Macron on Board of Peace I GUESS IT'S BACK TO THE BASICS:

TRUMP INSISTS THE US NEEDS GREENLAND The Dream:

IS NOTHING SACRED? Beloved walrus penis stolen from N.J. cheesesteak icon Rob Lucas Jr. said that Donkey’s Place has kept a walrus baculum — a bone in the penis of many mammals — behind the bar for as long as he can remember. Last week, a customer stole the phallic favorite. BACULUM - LUNCH

Texas A&M Warns Professor Not to Teach Plato Martin Peterson, Texas A&M professor, was told to excise teachings of Plato from his syllabus. His department head wrote that Peterson’s philosophy class must comply with policies limiting discussion of race and gender. ANTIFA UNAMERICAN TROUBLEMAKER:

I'M GETTING MYSELF A BACON WRAPPED CHEESE DOG COVERED WITH SUET Kennedy Set to Release New Nutrition Guidelines Mr. Kennedy has suggested that the new version will be radically different, with revised recommendations on meat, dairy and saturated fats, concerning some nutrition researchers.

WIN WIN Scores of sex workers have in recent years been using social media as a platform to pose in football shirts and lingerie, "It’s the perfect money-maker. Men just love women in football shirts" (nyt)

U.S. IS CONDEMNED AT U.N. OVER VENEZUELA ACTION, EVEN BY ALLIES (nyt)

ECONOMISTS: SHARP AS A TACK. CAN'T GET ANYTHING BY THAT CREW Supreme Court Increasingly Favors the Rich, Economists Say A new study found that the court’s Republican appointees voted for the wealthier side in cases 70 percent of the time in 2022, up from 45 percent in 1953.

DANCING MAY REDUCE DEMENTIA In fact, one study found that people who danced frequently (more than once a week) had a 76 percent lower risk of dementia than those who did so rarely. (wapo) I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING AS ADVERTISED

WAG THE DICTAOR Epstein files? Never heard of them. And has Pete Hegseth put on weight?

Members of cult led by man who claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ arrested. Several people living in a campsite close to Empire, Alabama, as part of a religious cult, who believe their leader is the incarnation of Jesus have been arrested. LOOKING GOOD FOR A TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD MAN

POT, KETTLE I strongly believe that anyone running for President, or Vice President, should be mandatorily forced to take a strong, meaningful, and proven Cognitive Examination. Our great Country cannot be run by ’STUPID’ or INCOMPETENT PEOPLE!” he added. GUESS WHO:

ROLL OVER JOHN PAUL JONES Navy Secretary John Phelan said at Mar-a-Lago that the USS Defiant—the name of the first Trump-class ship—“will inspire awe and reverence for the American flag whenever it pulls into a foreign port.”

I GUESS THERE IS NO TRASH PICK UP IN IULA Where Do Aprons Go to Retire? A Tiny Museum in Mississippi. For nearly two decades, Carolyn and Henry Terry have amassed the world’s largest collection of domestic armor. --------------- "I had no occasion for an apron on that morning." - Lizzie Borden

ROLL OVER RUDOLPH PERZ Pillsbury products recalled over contamination with deadly bacteria after multiple people are hospitalized. The CFIA said the products may be contaminated with E.coli O26, a strain of the bacteria that can cause severe illness and kidney damage.

ROLL OVER FATTY ARBUCKLE, AND MINNESOTA FATS Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the health secretary, has said that the next edition of the federal dietary guidelines, will overturn the longstanding advice to limit saturated fats and “stress the need to eat” them.

ROLL OVER RICHARD CRAFTS Man in Bucks County dies after getting stuck in wood chipper, police say.

ROLL OVER ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA Heavy rains in Washington State this month prompted officials to warn about flooded roadways, water damage to homes and one rare potential consequence: toilet rats.

WRECK THE PLANET, MOVE TO MARS: WIN WIN Trump May Give 775 Acres of a Federal Wildlife Refuge to SpaceX SpaceX debris: Mars is lookin good:

ROLL OVER AMELIA BLOOMER Trump Complains the FBI Made a Mess of Melania’s ‘Panties’ Melanie is a “very meticulous person. Everything is perfect. Her undergarments…sometimes referred to as panties, are folded, perfect." “I think she steams them,” he added.

ROLL OVER LITTLE MISS MUFFET We are set if she should drop in over the holidays.

AND THEY SAY THERE'S AN AFFORDABILITY CRISIS Fun fact: The name "Goober" comes from a traditional Southern nickname for peanuts, originally derived from the Gullah word guber (meaning peanut) and the KiKongo word nguba.

AND I THOUGHT WE HAD PROBLEMS DOWN HERE IN THE STATES Canadian Linguists Rise Up Against the Letter ‘S’ Canadian linguists and editors are not pleased. Words using British spellings have suddenly appeared in documents published by the Canadian government. It is a sneaky, slimy, letter, after all.

A STEAL AT TWICE THE PRICE At La Grande Boucherie foresighted diners can advance-order a whole roast suckling pig for the table, for $600. Sides are extra though:

INFLUENCERS STILL DROPPING LIKE FLIES (PART 4) TikTok star Tucker Genal has died at the age of 31. The influencer committed suicide. Surgery addict Mary Magdalene plunged from a hotel balcony. Beauty influencer Stefanie Pieper was found dead after her body was discovered in a suitcase.

TIP FOR VISITING MARTHA STEWART Martha doesn’t recommend bringing just any handmade gift. “I sometimes don’t like to get homemade jams and jellies, because I don’t know if they’re any good. You know what I mean? I make my own jams and jellies, and I know how good they are."

TIP FROM MY GRANDMOTHER: IT'S ALWAYS IN THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK How Did the C.I.A. Lose a Nuclear Device? (nyt) Maybe in the trunk of the car? In the back of the coat closet?

MAYBE HE CAN GET HIS SAUDI AND RUSSIAN FRIENDS TO PONY UP Biden Has Raised Little of What He Needs to Build a Presidential Library (nyt) Oh, sorry. Wrong president.

AS OPPOSED TO ACCIDENTALLY SHOWING UP WITH A TRAY OF EGGS? Martha Stewart brings gifts to a party. “I have the best eggs in the world. I take a tray of eggs. I line them up in stripes: dark brown from the Marans, the Araucana blue and the Araucana green. And, you know, I do that on purpose."

ROLL OVER JOHN ENDERS South Carolina measles outbreak is 'accelerating,' driving hundreds into quarantine.

ROLL OVER DR. RUTH Barron Trump allegedly chatted with accused rapist Andrew Tate about the influencer’s criminal charges and even received dating advice from one of the controversial Briton’s associates. JEFF EPSTEIN BEING UNAVAILABLE, HE CHOSE THE NEXT BEST OPTION

ROLL OVER ALEX TREBEK A Jeopardy! contestant who won two nights in a row has been arrested and accused by the authorities of being a peeping tom. Joey DeSena, was charged with two counts of felony secret peeping and posted bail last Wednesday. Ken Jennings caught him looking at the questions

ROLL OVER YELPERS Miss Maxwell reviews her accommodations: She praised the food, complimented the cleanliness and hailed the warden's 'excellent' leadership skills. "It is run in an orderly fashion which makes a safer, more comfortable environment for all concerned, inmates and guards alike."

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT Cracker Barrel fans are furious with the restaurant CB has started making its famous biscuits in large batches rather than preparing them on demand. Side dishes are being prepared in ovens instead of using stovetop kettles. THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

ROLL OVER MADAME TUSSAUD They had to snap this picture quickly as the wax had started to melt.

MULTI TASKER “President Trump was listening attentively and running the entire three-hour marathon Cabinet meeting,” - White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

PENCIL NECK GEEK SAYS WHAT? Tom Cotton said he saw them “trying to flip a boat loaded with drugs bound for United States back over so they could stay in the fight. He "didn't see anything disturbing in the video." He asked the Senators if they were going to believe him, or their own lying eyes.

THE TIMES GOES OUT ON A LIMB Trump Appears to Doze Off During Cabinet Meeting President Trump seemed to be fighting sleep Tuesday. -nyt "Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all

ROLL OVER, SOUP NAZI We have sh-- for f---ing poor people. Who buys our s---? I don’t buy Campbell’s products barely anymore,” Martin Bally, vice president and chief security officer for Campbell’s Soup. “Bioengineered meat — I don’t wanna eat a piece of chicken that came from a 3-D printer,”

COMPARED TO THE HITLER YOUTH, I GUESS Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth plans to cut military ties with Scouting America (the Boy Scouts), because they are not macho enough, attack boy-friendly spaces, are too genderless, push gender confusion, are adopting diversity, equity, and inclusion.

ROLL OVER TONY PERKINS An Italian man is accused of benefit fraud and hiding a body after dressing up as his dead mother – including mimicking her hairstyle with a wig, wearing makeup and jewelry – in order to claim her pension. Police found the woman's body hidden in the laundry room.

ADVICE: FOR STARTERS, IXNAY ON THE MEPHISTOPHELES LOOK Lawrence Krauss asked Jeffrey Epstein for advice when he was facing sexual harassment allegations. Mr. Krauss was a professor at Arizona State University at the time. Falsely accused of sex stuff? Call Jeff Epstein! That's 1-800-PEDOPHILE

ONE LAST PERK: THEY LET HIM KEEP THE BIG HAT Andrew Mountbatten Windsor was today seen in public for the first time since he lost all his titles and became a commoner.

ROLL OVER GEORGE COSTANZA Partner Finds Having Sex With An Attorney On His Desk Isn’t A Terrific Career Move Jasvinder Gill embarked in a sexual relationship with a junior lawyer. He kissed her, and had sex with her on his desk twice He’s suspended from the legal profession for two years (atl)

WHO SAID IT? "No matter who you are, everybody loves something at McDonald's. I like the fish. Khhhhh. I like it. You could do a little bit more tartar sauce though please. Seriously." A. The Dalai Lama B. Martha Stewart C. Donald Trump D. Saquon Barkley EL GORDO IT IS:

TAX CHEAT SAYS WHAT? The reason beef prices are so high is because immigrants from South America are bringing their cattle with them as they come here and they are infected with diseases”

IS THAT A PROMISE OR A THREAT? Pierce Brosnan vows to continue acting until his 'very last breath.'