ALL SYSTEMS DOWN! DEFCON 1 ! Eight Sleep’s smart products, which include “intelligent” mattress covers, were affected by an outage. Isaiah Granet woke up drenched in sweat. He couldn’t access the product’s app. “It’s not loading because of A.W.S., which means I have no way to access my bed. (nyt)

TOOTHPASTE! AS SEEN ON TV!

STOP THE PRESSES! Wealthy Americans Are Spending. People With Less Are Struggling. (today's nyt)

MAYBE EVERYONE SHOULD USE CHATGPT AND WE CAN ALL WIN THE LOTTERY Powerball winner reveals how she used ChatGPT to generate winning numbers. 'I asked ChatGPT for a set of Powerball numbers and those are the numbers I played,' Tammy Carvey said.

BEEF TENDON DONE RIGHT No rubber-band snap, nor slippery ooziness that comes after long boiling, when the tendon starts to surrender its youth-restoring collagen. Nick Curtola, the chef, braises the cut until it bends to his will, presses it into a terrine and runs it through a meat slicer Before

ROLL OVER ANNIE JONES A new cadre of social-media influencers has emerged: middle-age women touting testosterone therapy via creams, gels, and pellets. "They transition. They develop male features. If they lose their insurance and lose their testosterone, those features don’t go back.” (nymag)

IT WASN'T AN ICE COLD SIX PACK OF BUD LIGHT Woman left horrifying surprise for on-off boyfriend in cooler, cops say. (dm) The recipient: This type of thing you see on the internet but don't ever think it will happen to you. Me: I'm not going there. Look it up, if you must. The giver: So there.

ROLL OVER JUDGE ROY BEAN FRONTIER JUSTICE, NEW JERSEY STYLE A woman upset at a customer taking too long in line at a Marshalls in Hudson County bought kitchen knives from the store and used one to stab the shopper. The victim was stabbed multiple times in front of her family at the Kearny store.

ROLL OVER, CHRIS GRIFFIN, JOE ORTH, AND DAVID ELLIS How to Deal With 30 to 50 Feral Hogs Once a meme, free-ranging swine have become a real problem — one that has given rise to a wide array of potential solutions. {nyt}

ROLL OVER, CALVIN TRILLIN For many, Kansas City barbecue — brisket, burnt ends, ribs and thick, ketchup sauce — is barbecue. Credit supermarket sauces like KC Masterpiece But mass-market appeal hasn’t helped KC’s reputation in a recent barbecue revival, led by Texas and Carolina pitmasters

ROLL OVER THE DAILY MAIL, AND THE NEW YORK POST The pope has condemned clickbait as a “degrading” part of journalism, at a private audience with global newswires. It's only a matter of time before he goes after the big hat cartel.

SOUNDS LOGICAL Tech billionaire Peter Thiel recently warned that Swedish activist Greta Thunberg and critics of technology or artificial intelligence are “legionnaires of the Antichrist” (WAPO) He's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

You won’t believe what SHOCKING thing Pope Leo said (NY Post) "I got my c*c* in my pocket and it's shoving up through my pants. I said I just want to f*c*, I don't want no romance." Oh, sorry. That was Iggy Pop who said that, not the Pope. Pope; Pop:

IVAN KLIMA It is true that freedom of the press and freedom of expression provide an opening for many depravities, but censorship itself is a depravity that harms society more that any erotic scenes.

CLUELESS GOOF SAYS WHAT? Mike Johnson: 'I didn't even know who Bad Bunny was. It sounds like he's not someone who appeals to a broader audience." (Bad Bunny - 80 million listeners on Spotify) "You could have Lee Greenwood." (He could sing that idiotic song we Republican morons like.) FOOL:

ST. PETER TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIS PERMANENT RECORD AND SENT HIM ON HIS WAY You know, [people] get punished if they’re not good, right?" Trump said. "There has to be some kind of a report card up there someplace."

SOUNDS WILD! I'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THERE! In Houston, when football season kicks off, so does garage season. Vehicles are being pushed aside to give the garage a second act. Melissa and Joseph Spence park their car on the street to make room to hangout in their garage. (nyt)

‪ SOME CLEVER HACKS WHEN STARTING A GANG No tattoos allowed! No leather jackets! No facial hair! No motorcycles! Follow these simple rules and you'll never get caught. Identify the gang members:

IPHONE SAVES US FROM RING AROUND THE COLLAR! If you’re confused about how to launder an item of clothing, just take a photo of a laundry-care label. Then, tap the Info button at the bottom of the screen and tap Look Up Laundry Care (nyt)

FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW Trump threatens to use government shutdown to enact “irreversible” cuts and mass layoffs. “We can do things during the shutdown that are irreversible, that are bad for them” -- Who is this them he wants to fuck over? Oh. Right. It's us.

Florida Plans to Hand Over Prime Miami Property for Trump Library: At the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library website, permanent exhibits include Tax Evasion 101, where letters spelling “tax paid $750” rise from the floor in bas-relief. There’s a Twitter gallery, as well as a Wall of Criminality.

ROLL OVER LI'L ABNER Oura Health makes a pricey smart ring that executives, celebrities and others use to track their sleep patterns. I think more or less everybody benefits when they have a good night’s sleep. When you are better slept, you make better decisions. (Tom Hale, Oura CEO)

CLOSING IN ON THE RECORD!

COULD IT BE HE WAS ACTUALLY THINKING OF REINHOLD NIEBUHR? Scottie Scheffler on Donald Trump: "He treats everybody the same and treats people with the utmost respect."

AT LAST!

ROLL OVER, O. J. SIMPSON Saquon Barkley, 2000 yards rushing, and this is the best he could do?

I'M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV We’re making these statements, and I’m making them out front, and I’m making them loud, and I’m making them strongly, not to take Tylenol, not to take it, just don’t take it unless it’s absolutely necessary

ROLL OVER, MARTHA STEWART

DINNER AT THE CASTLE Hampshire watercress panna cotta, parmesan shortbread and quail egg salad. Organic Norfolk chicken ballotine in courgettes, with a thyme and savory-infused jus. A vanilla ice cream bombe with Kentish raspberry sorbet and lightly poached Victoria plums. I WANTED A CHEESBURGER!

GOSH DARN IT WITH THESE TRANSITIONERS! I CAN'T KEEP UP! Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Be the Next Ralph Lauren (nyt)

ALL JOE BIDEN'S FAULT A Bucolic Stone-Skimming Contest in Scotland Is Infiltrated by Cheaters Tall Tale About Big Fish Leads to Felonies in Utah Chestnut Championship England Is Roiled by Accusation of cheating Is the World’s Best Squash Player cheating? HONEST DON SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT

DOLLAR GENERAL MAY WANT TO CONSIDER A DIFFERENT ANTI-THEFT SYSTEM

ROLL OVER, TONY DE ANGELIS Since President Trump imposed tariffs on Chinese goods Beijing has retaliated by halting all purchases of American soybeans. Negotiations will be anchored by Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. Bessent owns thousands of acres of North Dakota land, worth up to $25 million.

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has told analysts that people without smart glasses may one day be at a "significant cognitive disadvantage" compared to those who do use the tech: I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE BROTHER: IT IS MURDER. (Leonard Cohen)

NOW HE SAY FIRING SQUADS ARE THE WAY TO GO Fox host Brian Kilmeade apologizes for suggesting 'lethal injection' for homeless people. Kilmeade: "Involuntary lethal injection. Or something. Just kill them." REFRESH MY MIND: WHAT WORLD LEADER HAD A SIMILAR IDEA A FEW YEARS BACK? Man with a plan:

TV TRUE CRIME VOCABULARY EXPLAINED They liked to party -They liked to drink, drug, and play with guns Red flags - What is raised Vee hick kull -A car or truck Gentleman -the raping, dismembering, murderer Devastated - What you are upon realizing you wasted another hour watching said nonsense

THE OLD GIVE THEM A BIBLE TRICK A Baptist pastor serving as a chaplain at an ICE detention center has been accused of repeatedly sexually abusing a detained migrant woman. The abuse began after Pastor Mark Melhorn gave the woman a Bible — a gesture that earned her trust. SMOOTH OPERATOR:

MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA Does your body need a parasite purge? Parasite cleanses have been around for decades, they have recently surged in popularity on social media, with influencers and companies endorsing products or homemade solutions that promise to rid the body of harmful intestinal worms.

ROLL OVER MELANIA (AND DUCK) Trump Says Having ‘a Little Fight With the Wife’ Should Not Count as a Crime

ROLL OVER ELIZABETH BATHORY In a Hot Mic Moment, Xi and Putin Muse About Living Forever Xi Jinping, mused that people might soon live to 150. Vladimir V. Putin said that organ transplants could allow humans to achieve “immortality.” Drinking the blood of young virgins was also considered. Lizzie:

ROLL OVER OSCAR PISTORIUS An NHS surgeon had his legs removed to satisfy sexual compulsion. Neil Hopper, a 49-year-old vascular surgeon, used dry ice to freeze his legs so they required amputation. This had long been an ambition of his and he had a sexual interest in it. RECOMMENDED READING:

ROLL OVER PHIL MICKELSON The Met Opera Turns to Saudi Arabia to Help Solve Its Financial Woes: The Met reached a lucrative deal to perform in Saudi Arabia for three weeks each winter. BE SURE TO CATCH THE BEHEADINGS DURING INTERMISSION!

ROLL OVER, CHARLES DARWIN Two friends agree to shoot each other in head while wearing kevlar helmets — and one is now charged with murder. The two pals were inside O’Donnell’s home — firing at each other with a rifle while wearing the bullet-resistant helmets. Deadeye O'Donnell:

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENGINEER .... President Donald Trump’s administration is taking management of Union Station away from Amtrak in the latest example of the federal government exerting its power over the nation’s capital.

THE ETERNAL RETURN An Atlantic City resident who shot a man during a dice game in the city was sentenced to eight years in state prison. Video showed Demps playing dice with a group of men in the courtyard area of a housing complex and shooting a man in the stomach at point-blank range.

Make America Healthy Again, Even if It Gets You Sick That’s the gist of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s anti-science approach to making America healthy. Health, his rhetoric has long implied, is an easily attainable personal choice; by pursuing it, anyone can look and feel good. (nyt)

Making a Krispy Kreme doughnut involves precision timing. Flour, yeast, water are mixed for 14 minutes. The dough is pushed through a machine and forms doughnut rings, which rise for 35 minutes. Then 110 seconds in an oil fryer and a trip through a 55-degree cooling tunnel -nyt Worth the trouble?

‪ PAROLE? THEY SHOULD BE DENIED JUST FOR HIRING THAT LAWYER WITH THE RIDICULOUS MUSTACHE The Menendez brothers sentences of life without the possibility of parole were reduced, making them eligible for parole. They will have parole hearings this week — Erik on Thursday and Lyle on Friday. ‪

HE SHOULD HAVE EATEN IT? A man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent in Washington, after calling him and other agents “fascists,” was charged with assaulting a federal officer on Wednesday. The man threw a “sub-style” sandwich at the officer. The sandwich thrown at the agent was from Subway.

I HEAR IT'S WORSE THAT SMOKING Napping can backfire. Napping too long can lead to daytime grogginess and insomnia at night. Lengthy siestas also have been linked to obesity and metabolic syndrome and death from any cause. (philly voice) Two Victims: