I fucking suck.

I'm not even close to being good enough.

I SUUUUUUUCK AAAHHHHHGHGH

Perhaps I lack any kind of fear for videogames because all of it is reserved for my absolute constant existential dread.

Hypothetically smashing my head against an edge until my brains get out.

It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter.

I just want to cry and eat watermelon but I just don't cry and I don't have watermelon.

finished at 1:52 am

Imagining myself stabbing my gut multiple times is somehow kind of soothing. Even though I haven't been suicidal at all for quite some time, I keep getting these thoughts and these fantasies. Mind, just shut up will ya?

I'm just so incredibly pissed off.

I haven't seen irl or done vc with a friend this week at all. Today I was forced to go to class so I finally did, but felt horrible doing so. I just feel lonely, but I'm not sure anymore if that is good or bad. It makes me want to smash my head agains an edge, but part of me finds this amusing.

Haven't really had hunger this entire day. I sort of forced myself into eating a single bread because else my blood sugar level could be dangerous and I'll probably have to force myself to eat again now. Still, haven't even taken a single bit of fast insulin and my blood sugar is low.

Really thinking about drawing some blood but I have visit with endocrinologist tomorrow and I have to be *perfectly stable mentally* so can't do that.

its beautiful but in the gross way its like one of those really gross shivering chihuahuas or like those shih tzus with crusty eyes

My mediocrity disgusts me.

I mostly lack the capacity of being happy or sad for other people. If something good happens to them, I hate that it didn't happen for me. And if something bad happens to them, I also hate that it didn't happen to me instead. The bad is something I envy aswell, for some reason.

Is it possible not to be existential all the time? Like seriously, are there people who live without constantly fighting their own mind?

My bullet hell has parry now.

Developing a bullet hell.

My biggest fear are those who are better than me. Sometimes, I don't whish to be better, instead I whish that those people would not exist. I hate that thought and I hate myself for thinking that.

It's so hard to get myself to draw when most times I do I am not at all satisfied with my skills and it makes me want to repeatedly mash my head against a wall until my skull starts to be seen.

I never really had it that bad did I? Yet I remember the feeling. I remember containing my tears in class every day. Failing often. But I never did try it. Why am I normal now? How did I become so ordinary? It's disgusting.

Hidden

Imagine living in Hidamari Sketch. It would be so happy. Except I'd probably ruin it with my unhappy nature. Anyways, watching this kind of show is strangely calming but also incredibly depressing for the thought of never being able to experience such a life.

Eternal

Why did I have to be the one to get diabetes? Fuck you, world.

It somewhat often happens that I start to install a game I feel quite excited to play, and then when it is installed I completely lose interest and leave it there for quite some time until I either start playing it without much motivation or just uninstall it.

You don't know what pain is until it starts really freaking hurting when you go to the toilet (to poop)

A question for my fellow oomfs of culture: Round glasses or rectangle glasses?

Yum Yum

School is the most cruel place in human society.

Non-sexual nudity VS sexual not-nudity.

Mind is not at rest. Rarely is, if ever.

Being able to let go is such an important skill. Another of the many I am not great at.

おはようございます！

Feeling useless. And hungry, but I feel gross I don't want to eat. I want to get hrt, and nice clothes, and confidence, and I want to be actually good at programming and drawing and 3d modeling. I which I could do music too but that one... I think I never will.

Ok ima not check that site until tomorrow on my way to class, and then I will check only once.

I'm good enough to be able to still enjoy some things, yet miserable enough to taint it by always having that voice in my head constantly questioning about my self worth and existence, but tame enough for me not to be a physical danger to myself, not anymore.

Just gonna leave these links here in case anyone wanna give me a hand paying for my meds in this hell of a country Paypal.me/runo860 patreon.com/Runodev

Is it really normal to reach your friends to talk about stuff and all that? All I really do to vent is post over here where no one sees it. I don't think I ever got that kind of relation, guess it is very complicated to me to really make meaningful friends.

It didn't work.

Well, two weeks after launch, today and yesterday have been a total of 0 people downloading my game. 178 downloads and 4 payments for 23 dollars total. I don't expect to get much more downloads anytime soon as it has stagnated but I guess what I did get is better than what I should have expected.