How in the hell do people adult all day? You are insane and never have fun.

Ticketmaster is finally going to show us the full price of your ticket up front because as the company is getting older they no longer like foreplay.

If Trump accepts the plane from Qatar then Qatar will unfortunately learn all of America’s secret… menu items from every fast food restaurant! It must be stopped!!!

1) American Pope 2) Gulf Of America 3) United America Of America, America

Some of you are acting like Catholics never sold out before and it shows

Says Template like Tem-PLATE

Me: I feel like I’m this relationship you don’t give me any choices. Her: I do but you make the wrong ones.

Salsa is just Salad that has already been processed and chewed for you. Prove me wrong.

Someone called today Wiener Wednesday and now I think I need to help make that a thing

Nothing like that New Pope Smell.

On the third day he rose again, in fulfillment of the scriptures. On the 4th day candy is 50% off, in fulfillment of the sales quotas.

She’s a 10 but she’s books you a room at The White Lotus

I haven’t been able to sleep since my gf whispered in her sleep “They made her look like ET”… When I asked who, all she said was “The government” and now I need to know the end of this cliffhanger.

Her: (Weak, barely any energy to get the words out) Is it over? Me: … not yet. I’m sorry my love. You must keep fighting. Her: It might end me, but… but, I’ll keep it up. Me: Just think, some day the children of the future will thank you for your sacrifice in this war. You helped change Target.

Fig Newtons counts as a breakfast food, right?

Easter Bunny didn’t leave me any eggs this year, he just took a dump on my lawn. Starting to think that might have just been my ex.

This economy is like if you bought a two headed quarter, tossed it in the air, it would still land on tails and somehow turn into a penny.

Reality TV is making me trust nothing and nobody. I’m just not sure what is and what is not cake anymore.

Day 53 of my girlfriend reminding me she hasn’t shopped at Target or Amazon… I believe she’s starting to crack.

Someone REALLY hates Yvette

I just saw a commercial for a newly designed toe nail clipper and I got excited. Follow me for more adventures.

Googles “how to retire by 110?”

In my 20s: These Victoria Secret Models are smoking hot! In my 40s: These Depends Models are smoking hot!

My gf wants us both to eat healthy so we can lose weight. So she meal preps 30 breakfast, lunch, and dinner plates. Problem is she hates leftovers. So I’ve been eating 30 meals while she eats out. Neither of us has lost weight.

Me not looking at what the person in front of me is buying at the super market

Me not looking at what the person in front of me is buying at the super market

Growing up TV led me to believe that there would be a lot more singing competitions I could enter and win so I could pay my bills before the bank repo’d my car.

My reaction to Will Smith’s new album.

Just for the record I don’t need an indecent proposal. I’ll take any decent proposal. I’ll even consider halfway decent proposals.

Me: I’ll drop my daughter off at Dance Class and while she’s there I’ll quickly go to the store and get food for dinner. GF: Ok but what if you die?

Finally did it. Finally saw all the porn on the internet. What should I do next?

The McDonald’s Worker rolled one side of my sausage McMuffin wrapper like a joint and I’ve never felt so understood in my life.

RFK now recommending ashes on your forehead to stop the devil and dysentery

Just bought my girlfriend furniture and snacks imported from Sweden

Everyone is starting to list “The Top 10 Gene Hackman Films”, that’s not what I need. Right now I need the top 10 Gene Hackman Suspects.

Me: Here’s your well experienced Olive Oil. Friend: You mean Extra Virgin? Me: Definitely not, but I promise it was only butt stuff.

Me: (Sleeping at 4:30am) GF: … babe, you sleeping? Me: (Still sleeping) GF: Babe… Me: (Sleeping) GF: BABE! Me: (Freaking out startled) What’s happened??? You ok?? GF: Oh nothing, just wanted to say that was Ke Huy Quan in White Lotus.

Me: I did it, I traveled back 50 years! Stranger: What do you guys do for fun in the future? Me: Watch people tie intricate knots, clean diseased horses hooves, and something called only fans.

How I feel after watching the US play hockey and not seeing a single Knuckle Puck get shot

I have read tons of headlines in my day, but this one… this one got me

You might not have had sex in a while, but may I recommend canceling a subscription you don’t really use? I’d argue it feels even better.

My cousin got up and loudly exclaimed she was in a “Throuple” at a family dinner, and then proceeded to explain that it was with her boyfriend and new puppy, but the damage was already done. Grandma passed out and I threw up because I realized grandma knew what a Throuple was.

You ever get into an argument and someone screams old English? Just got called a Ne'er-do-well and I’ve been frozen ever since.

Trump just renamed Plaza Sesamo to Plaza of America and has named The Count as Treasury Secretary.

I’ve never been so closely connected to a friend that I’m about to enter in their house through a window unannounced like in a 90s sitcom.

Me: (Comes back from the kitchen because I wanted to get myself chips after a long day) Daughter: Good you got me chips.

It’s a special Valentines for me, so I had my gift sent to her office. I got her 4 dozen eggs.

I do believe at birth it was the Gulf of Mexico

Me: [doing nothing] Me: [doing absolutely nothing] Me: [DOING NOT A DAMN THING] Her: You messed this up.

Her: So what tricks do you know… in bed? Me: [Immediately turns condom into a balloon animal]