Wikipedia rabbit holes are something else, last night I started on UConn Men's Basketball and ended up on the Gunpowder Plot

ridiculous that raconteur means “good storyteller” and not “raccoon expert”

savings bonds are like “hey do you want 2 bucks a thousand years from now?”

companies will raise their price 13% and be like btw this was very hard for us :(

growing up I wanted to be a basketball coach and my parents were like “that’s really hard to get into” and then I wanted to be a comedian and they were like “what about coaching basketball?”

every adult woman I know is reading like they're trying to qualify for a pizza party and every guy I know owes DraftKings $5000

guy next to me on the plane asked what the drinks limit was & the flight attendant said "4" & he said "for the whole flight or at one time" & she said "at one time" & he said "I'll take 2 Bud Lights and 2 shots of whiskey” like it’s a movie and we’re meeting the main character

hey! sorry I'm running late due to circumstances well within my control

audience member came up after the show and said "I thought you were the second funniest" and I asked who was funniest and he said "I don't know"

missed connection: you had 200 likes on a picture and I was the 10th dude in a row to comment “damn”

by far the most common character you encounter in standup comedy is dudes with a 20 for perseverance and a 1 for self-awareness

[calculating my rate for an hour set off of what I make for a 10 minute set] I'll do it for 12 beers

I tweeted something and the only person to like it was my fiancee it's like I guess this could have just been a conversation

easy fix for the NBA ratings problem, after the Finals air a reunion show hosted by Andy Cohen

a comic telling the crowd “you can laugh, it’s alright” is like telling a basketball “you can go in the hoop, it’s ok”

mentioned Brave New World to my girl and she said "is that the one with the toaster? wait maybe I'm thinking of The Brave Little Toaster"

"we don't talk enough about" yes we do we talk too much about everything

love when a second car alarm joins in out of solidarity

it's important to remember that all my mistakes have made me what I am today - worse

it's not just that people have main character syndrome it's that they'll start talking to you like you've been watching their show

got a fresh new idea for a podcast, it's gonna be like every other podcast BUT this one will be hosted by me

comedians will be like "I hate small talk" and then ask everyone in the crowd what they do for a living

when you quit comedy you should auction off your best jokes like an estate sale

Hemingway famously wrote a 6 word story with a full dramatic arc and so did this guy I saw on Facebook who wrote “happy belated birthday to my fiancee”

fiancee: I love me: [expecting “you”] fiancee: being right

microwaves are like “and here’s the popcorn button” and popcorn bags are like “if you even so much as LOOK at the popcorn button I swear to god”

[reading Dante's Divine Comedy] man comedy's come a long way