Today was a really bad day. My dad’s memorial service was today. His widow (not my mom) decided to go all soap opera drama on me, and my uncle (his brother) and my uncle’s wife gave me the cold shoulder. It’s clear to me that his widow, likely with my dad’s blessing, went about poisoning his, my,

I am Jack’s total lack of surprise.

Mr. Art of the Deal sure does struggle to make deals.

Telling us to concede that the butt-naked emperor is wearing clothes so that we can move on to the merits of his clothes.

Noted expert in fair elections Vladimir Putin. God he’s dumb.

Somebody’s smoking really skunky weed on our floor of the hotel. The hallway reeks of it.

Traveling in The South be like

Whatever brave soul steps up and copycats Sandwich Guy, but with rotisserie meat wrapped in pita will be A Real American Gyro.

Hey, Dems doing something!

Okay, music algorithm, transition from an instrumental jazz track to GWAR. You do you.

Virginia traffic is stupid and I hate it.

So the Hoagie’s Hero apparently offered to turn himself in for his crime of Misuse of a Sandwich, but instead they let him go home so they could stage his arrest by a Special Wusses And Thugs team. Nolite te bastardes grinder you down.

Cops harassing law-abiding citizens in DC while our Pussydent goes to Alaska to lick a war criminal’s asshole.

We shoulda listened. Fuck every single cop.

A literal farce.

If you write a book about wigs and you don’t title it Gettin’ Wiggy Wit It, you should be sent home.

The whole civil commitment aspect of the DC military occupation executive order talks a game (not a good one) about reversing precedents and helping states to push involuntary commitment policies, but that’s just window dressing. In practice it means no due process and indefinite imprisonment.

I really don’t ever wanna hear about “good cops” ever again. They are a myth. They can all go to Hell.

People with kids are NOT going to be happy about the price of back-to-school supplies.

Song for the Subman Pastrami Pastram on Rye dijon Swiss cheese slice or two!

They’re gonna up Captain Cold Cut’s charges to attempted murder on the pretext that the jack booted thug has a severe gluten intolerance.

Me: *has a backlog of games that take many hours to complete* Also me: *is an explorer and completionist* Also also me: “Oooooooh, 50/75/90% off on Steam! Don’t mind if I do!”

Now he’s talking about D.C. in aesthetic terms. He will ever and always ONLY be a real estate developer, and he clearly thinks of the entire country as HIS real estate.

(1) Markwayne's story is most likely bullshit. (2) There are far more traffic fatalities than carjackings per year. (3) DC streets are insane. Their layout, the inattentive tourist pedestrians, and roads full of drivers from all over the world with different default driving behaviors.

Republicans: LIBTARDS WANT A NANNY STATE! Also Republicans: I'm so fucking scared of cities that I literally shit my pants continuously whenever I'm in one. I will not feel safe until I'm surrounded by the entire 82nd Airborne at all times!

Everyone knows that innocent bystanders to angry mobs ordinarily push their way into the middle of those mobs. It's a natural reaction.

Sometimes his paws twitch when he sleeps.

I read this as the White House admitting that what happened on J6 was illegal.

BOT LIVES MATTER!

American Exceptionalism was always just American Dumb Luck.

Sometimes it feels like we’re living at the tail end of the exposition to a new Bronze Age collapse.

Why yes, total stranger, I did have lunch. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Synthesizing the subject matter of two recent viral articles, Imma start a website called OnlyBodegaRamps. Gonna seize me somma that zeitgeist!

Opposition is harder in a big ass country like the U.S. Most other countries are equivalent in size to one of our states. Yeah, we're ONE COUNTRY, but expecting someone in Washington State to go protest something happening in DC is a lot like asking a Norwegian to go protest something in Spain.

My doctor: Now is the time to focus on yourself. Me: *gestures wildly, all about* GUH?! (No worries, I’m mostly fine. I recently found out my lipoprotein-a, basically 100% gene-determined cholesterol, is high. So I need to work even harder than I have been to

The BLS Commissioner nominee + a parrot = Jafar.

With every passing day under incompefascism I can’t help but grow increasingly glad that we picked this option and forced the slightly older man who’d done the job for four years out of the race. He would’ve undoubtedly been unable to do the job he held at the time. He would’ve been so bad…yep…

In this reality the Council of Elrond decided to pack up, go back to their homes, pad their 401(k)s, and give Sauron a fair shake.

People think that once the leopards eat your face they can’t eat it again. Sadly, they are mistaken. Double leopardy is not a thing.

#BigBalls deserves no Medal of Freedom. He deserves to be the first recipient of an entirely NEW medal! Thereafter, it'll be given to Chuds whose pride is wounded battling woke. Name it the Purple Nutsack.

During the Cold War, the KGB used the Brox Zoo to discretely meet with operatives, who were ordinary Americans or at least looked like ones. I wonder if Putin feels nostalgic about those days every time he has to meet openly with the big, orange oaf.

Our press and politicians really should worry more about the decidedly non-zero possibility Trump just up and gives Alaska back to Russia because Putin pats him on the head and calls him Tovarich.

Obviously I’ve seen the video, but does anyone know what became of Captain Cold Cut? Did he successfully cheese it, or is he in a pickle?

There’s been a decades-long effort to portray American cities as dangerous, in contrast to the supposed safety of rural America, where REAL AMERICANS live. Thing is, our society tacitly acknowledges that there are vast swaths of rural America where you just don’t go if you’re not white. 🤔

¡EL TACO GRANDE RIDES AGAIN!

Things that aren’t crimes: not having a home, being an immigrant (even an undocumented one), having a mental illness, having a physical illness. Things that are crimes: treason, coups, taking bribes, having sex with people unwilling or unable to consent.

Took my dog out for his pre-bedtime pee. My street's very dark, so I carry a flashlight. I aimed it down down the side yard and saw two little, yellow, side-by-side dots. Put the light on high. It was our red fox friend (the one in my profile pic) that sprays on our ivy so my dog can sniff it.

Not all heroes wear capes. Some come wrapped in paper.

He's going to perform close-up magic. Numbers are just illllllusions!

We have two parties. Both have problems. Some problems they have in common, some unique to one or the other. Focusing on problems is reductive. Myopically considering only one shared problem even more so. It doesn't makes the parties the same. Holistically, the parties are manifestly NOT the same.