Current Mood

The morning headline on one of the thousands of email newsletters sitting in my inbox reads, “The Free Press Was Never Supposed to Sit Quietly Beside Power.” This confused the bejesus out of me until I read the first paragraph and realized it was referring to the free press, not The Free Press.

I for one think it’s adorable that Kash Patel thinks he can be defamed.

I spent some pleasurable time contemplating a gallery of pictures of Gillian Anderson. Then I saw that whoever curated these images had grouped them together under the heading, “Gillian Anderson, side profiles.” I plan to spend the day sitting in this chair, wondering if there is any other kind.

Here’s hoping Roberts kidnapped her cat or something.

Now Playing: MARGO’S GOT MONEY TROUBLES. It’s just mid-April, but so far, the funniest non-JD-Vance-humiliation-related thing I’ve seen on TV this year is this baby’s facial expression upon learning that his grandfather is Nick Offerman.

He should smile more.

Today's Most The Free Press Thing In The World: Mike Pesca's article arguing that Victor Orban's "graceful" concession after losing an election proves one and for all that neither he nor Trump is an authoritarian.

Pope Leo: “Shizzz! I ain’t afraid of you mofos!”

R.I.P. Sid Krofft. I'll just say that the first time I laid eyes on H. R. Pufnstuff, I couldn't tell what the hell he was supposed to be, and if they hadn't said he was a dragon, I never would have gotten there on my own.

“Fertilizer monopoly” needs to become to Trump’s presidency what “shining city on a hill” was to Reagan’s.

Pope Leo: “Shizzz! I ain’t afraid of you mofos!”

Rod Dreher placed on suicide watch.

We can be heroes, just for one day.

The New York Times on Hasan Piker: “This anti-establishment rebel, who has a professed love for things like streetwear, anti-imperialist politics and marathon streaming sessions…” Now all I can think about is how much I miss reading the “likes” and “dislikes” on the back of Playboy centerfolds.

All I’m saying is, it feels strange to see so many people saying “He’s actually talking about how he’s going to do war crimes!” about someone who we know doesn’t believe war crimes can be a thing, and almost certainly wouldn’t know the legal definition of a war crime even he did.

New Substack: phildyessnugent.substack.com/p/schrodinge...

Hi, I’m Phil, and I am a birthright citizen of the only country that has a national facial expression.

The first headline I saw said “ousted”, not “fired”. I preferred it. More I, CLAUDIUS.

Now Playing: The Criterion Channel’s trailer for its new “Corporate Thrillers” wing. Is it just me, or does Ryan Philippe absolutely own the category “American-born actors whose American accent makes you think, ‘That guy’s British, right?’”

Now Playing: the season finale of PARADISE, a bold foray into a vein of storytelling best summed up by the existential question: Can there be shit so silly that not even Patrick Fischler can sell it?

I did not have “the calcified Islamofascist mullahs of Iran take to the internet to out-troll Donald Trump” in my 2026 Bingo card.

Surely he became president of the United States in this moment, period.

TODAY IN “I THINK YOU ARE TELLING US SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT MAY BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE SAYING”: “One of the many reasons I love The Free Press is because I don’t much like the news.” — Suzy Weiss

A headline at The Atlantic reads: "Trump Is Learning That His Bullying Has Consequences". Remember when normie journalists in Washington were competing to see who could be the one to nail "Trump has just become presidential!"? The new version of that will be pretending that Trump can learn things.

TIL I learned that AIP’s 1970 WITCHFINDER GENERAL rip-off CRY OF THE BANSHEE has opening credits by Terry Gilliam.

Considering how Niall Ferguson went all in on how this heroic conflict in Iraq was nothing like the debacle of Vietnam in the 1960s, it's a bold move for him and his patron Bari Weiss to go all in on his argument that this heroic conflict in Iran is nothing like the debacle of Iraq in the '00s.

Bo Gritz—survivalist, conspiracy theorist, presidential candidate of the Populist Party, militia group whisperer—has died, at 87. I thought this guy might be the most 100% completely-what-he-seemed-to-be person of my lifetime until I found out he didn’t pronounce his last name to rhyme with “Blitz.”

What with everything else going on now, I did not foresee that, between the death of Tom Stoppard and all the "HAMNET blows chunks, this is actually way better" essays, this would be the winter of people trying to make me feel guilty for somehow never having seen SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE.

How does “Trump Wants a Quick Victory” even qualify as a news headline?

Things need to be sane. The world needs to make sense again. And you may think I’m being petty. But as soon as I am emperor, one of the first 25 things on my to-do list will be having all of Elon Musk’s cosmetic procedures reversed.

Glenn Greenwald pouting that he was lied to when Trump said he was the anti-war candidate is literally the first thing that's ever made me think that Greenwald might actually believe some of his own bullshit.

Subhead of the latest issue of the Kennedy-assassination-conspiracy newsletter JFK Facts, which focuses on Noam Chomsky: “The anti-imperialist titan of the Left and defender of the Warren Commission was also a pal of Jeffrey Epstein. What does that tell us?” Wait, don’t tell me! Let me guess!

This is cancel culture! I expect to see a fiery investigative report in The Free Press.

I wonder if Trump will thank John Roberts after the State of the Union again.

With its invention of absolute presidential immunity,the MAGA justices made it clear,months in advance of Trump’s return to the White House, that they will go to any lengths to protect him.By striking down his tariffs,the saner ones are making it clear that this includes protecting him from himself.

“British police on Thursday arrested Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly known as Prince Andrew…” Okay, I’m going to need a week before I can stop laughing at this.

New Substack:

From Jesse Jackson's 1984 election-year hosting gig on SNL, one of the very strongest fusions of politics and pop culture produced in this country in my lifetime. (Sadly, forces of racism and reaction have conspired prevent me from finding the game show sketch "The Question Is Moot" online.)

A Bulwark headline reads "Is George W. Bush a Coward--or Just Wrong?", and now we can officially retire the concept of "Two things can be true." If they'd asked, is he stupid too, we could have had a trifecta.

Happy Year of the Horse

ow Playing: Nathan J. Robinson interviewing Jamelle Bouie for Current Events. Anybody know what's the story with Robinson's voice? Either he's doing William F. Buckley cosplay, or he's the youngest survivor of a massive stroke I've ever heard.

Gonna ask A.I. to show me a fight between Robert Duvall's wordless cameo character in THE CONVERSATION and Robert Duvall's wordless cameo character in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Still considering if it should be straight-up bare knuckles or should there be weapons hanging on the walls.

R.I.P. Frederick Wiseman

Now Playing: THE SIMPSONS. Noah Wyle’s guest cameo is making me realize that I’ve been watching the brother for more than 30 years and have no idea what he sounds like.

I can’t remember the last time I was this excited about something that I know, with a degree of certainty approaching 100%, is going to suck.

“The Dow is over 50,000 now!” is the 2026 reboot of the Dubya-era classic, “Yeah, well, Saddam’s still dead!”

Featuring a cameo appearance by Noam Chomsky, but at this point, that's like ringing the town bell to tell everybody that Florence Henderson is on THE LOVE BOAT again.