bitch you beat me to it

my elphabussy is defying gravity

i’m getting older, my body’s changing, and i wish someone would apologize for it because tell me why the weather shifted and then BOOM instant back pain

Standing there… menacingly 🧍‍♀️

i have data to back up my claim of being solidly verse switch

i’m in the top 13% of nose blowers in the world

A little rain didn’t stop the dogs from taking over Uproar for our monthly Sit, Stay, Sip social. #pupplay #pupkink #wetdogs #dcgays #dcpups

got this text and knew it was a scam immediately because no one misses me

there was a guy on the bus today w huge arms that at first i thought was hot, but when he stood up he was wearing straight man skinny jeans

maybe if the rapture happens i’ll finally be able to take a fucking break

if you measure from my tailbone, I have a 73” cock

i actually can’t overstate enough how much i hate them. the concept of a matrix with all 0 diagonal entries that isn’t the 0 matrix pisses me off

if a skew symmetric matrix was a color it would be chartreuse, and if it were a number it would be 7. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

i should write a textbook on interior design i’m so good at this

saw this diva at the bus stop this morning and they’re genuinely my new hero. imagine how cunt it would be to pull a sandwich out of that bag for lunch.

the BLS ice bucket challenge is where i scream into a bucket of ice water every time a new jobs report comes out

happy titty tuesday

america’s inability to teach math pisses me off. the idea that you need to learn math “in order” is largely wrong. calculus can be introduced in kindergarten if instead of introducing it with limits we present it as figuring out how things change.

“i could never be a bottom because i love to shit” - my straight female roommate over dinner

should i keep posting self-censored smut, or should i post hole and/or pole as well

leaving the club early to play animal crossing in my hood is perhaps the best way to spend a saturday night

it’s wild that some people consider a pup mask sexually explicit

mind the gape

putting the a in antidisestablishmentarianism

not being able to edit posts is panelist

what if FDR. in ensuring he was never photographed in his wheelchair while campaigning, wasn’t concerned about public perception, but instead just wanted to see if people thought he was caked up

YOU GUYS MY HOOD CAME

i’m at the dr. and i have to pee. the dr is running 30+ mins late, and i’ve def had the time, but i know that as soon as i leave the room they’ll be ready for me

🎶overstimulated in the back of an uber/ driver’s talking to me/i think im going to scream🎶

i’m not bad at spelling, i just choose to write like a 17th century puritan. it’s a stylistic choice, not dyslexia

“your mother was a witch and you look like one” is such a sick 17th century burn that i feel like we need to bring back

it’s mildly ugly but i don’t have more time to work on it today. if people have ideas on things to change/other designs to try lmk tho

what i’m doing instead of work

to my cheesemonger oomfs, why is this called “not smoked” provolone. is it a legal thing?

happy hump day from my FMCW radar simulation that finally compiles

not even our fridge is safe from advertising for wicked 2 electric boogaloo

born too late to invade the middle east, born too early to invade the middle east, born just in time to invade… venezuela

riding dick and cock—and you did it at my birthday dinner

the anti em-dash hate that’s emerged in the wake of increasing LLM popularity pisses me off because em dashes are hands-down my favorite punctuation mark and i use them liberally

keeping my fingers crossed for 2pm

if sand and glitter had a baby, it would do the same damage to a carpet as nature valley bars. that shit is getting EVERYWHERE. carpets, couches, cars, cooches

correction—my hips are still sore so best may be an overstatement

happy labor day—are you in labor?

dom bottoming is the fucking best

if i ever do drag my name is gonna be sponge boob square tits—boob for short

unless you’re looking for a no energy hand job, 11pm is too fucking late at night to go on sniffies and ask “looking?!??”

tooenty foh kahrat gohld LABEWBEW

nothing worse for my inflated sense of ego than going into a task that i predict will be easy just for it to be even easier than expected

Baltimore’s ready for @puptunder.bsky.social