i dont have any exes i resent though which is awesome i love when things can still work out in a different way

i also swing wildly between "everything is my fault" and "everybody who has ever hurt me needs to die" and i need to find a middle

it always just feels like a silly expense to invest in...

on a different but related note one of the things my brother did when i was growing up that i recall was that he threw my dollhouse down the stairs and ever since we've had a yearning to have a dollshouse again but they're so expensive...

i wish more people understood that an incident can "feel normal" because your sense of like... what boundaries you're allowed to have in life are severely fucked by the amount of insane shit that has happened to you or been done to you

it's hard to post here because it's so public but honestly i can just block weirdos it's no biggie

sorry to be a downer the reason i havent really been posting is because im very sad but i love you guys very much and i hope i will be happy again soon i miss talking to everybody and having fun

ah bluesky decided to crap out right when i needed to be listened to. sure. i'm probably just gonna go to bed...

idk why my replies arent showing up on the timeline? weird. whatever

addiction is so scary and cold and evil and everybody needs to remember it doesn't take a specific kind of person to be dragged into it. it's not like something you're 100% gonna avoid if you're not peer pressured into it. it could happen to anyone in the wrong place or the wrong time or both

knowing that a loved one is fully in addiction and is probably going to die from it one day makes me feel so full of dread and sadness

goodnight :) i hope tomorrow will be kinder

sometimes i think about how agonising the things i remember are and i feel like i'm going to throw up when i think that that's just what i remember. i've felt at times when i'm about to touch on something i didn't remember only to be unable to reach it. sometimes i'm scared of what i will find

i honestly don't know if i have a persecutor i'm unaware of or i'm just very very mean to myself but it feels like whenever i'm doing particularly bad i have a very volatile cruel voice in the back of my head 24/7 that i can't turn off or control and whatever the cause it makes me very sad

i'm going to try to get some sleep...

thinking about the first episode of dr who with matt smith which is an embarrassing like. segue into talking about ptsd but its that like. concept. of a door in your house you don't know is there and you need to force yourself to look at it to know it's there. and then you're like oh my god?

i try not to vent on here but honestly i just want to know somebody can hear me even if they can't fix what i'm feeling

i'm not gonna lie to u guys i'm going through it right now

i think the rly funny thing is whenever i get this kind of insight, it's taken away by amnesia anyway <3

this is the first week ive rly felt like. impacted by my mh issues which just serves to illustrate what kind of damage it's doing to me to live with my parents ORZ

i cannot keep having the realisation that i probably have ocd over and over :sob:

youtuber whose video i was enjoying just made a joke about "the voices" like obviously idk if they have psychosis/etc. or not but i always forget how common this is to joke abt ORZ

OH I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO TRY i saw someone do a portrait by stippling with pen and it looks like it takes a while but it also looks very cool

btw just to clarify ik other ppl with bipolar dont actually have it easier i just feel like i find it really hard to mask it or channel it into productivity i just feel like a ticking bomb

i keep thinking about my mum saying Oh your brother has /real/ mental health issues. did she genuinely block out the like. 4-5 years of therapy for sui attempts + sh or like...? like what does she think REAL mh issues ARE

i might stay offline i always feel embarrassed cuz i seem to have Mega crazy bipolar compared to other ppl with bipolar who can seemingly manage it better like i think god might just hate me actually

trying to figure out what to do with myself bcz im having a hashtag moment. maybe i should refresh my hair colour

my mother can always sense the worst time to message me

im so anxious today :(

i haven't rly said but i'm struggling a little to feel good about my art and i'm having a weird midmonth crisis where i'm like All of my problems would be solved. if only i had done my degree in art instead of other things. i am bad at art because i didn't go to art school. WHAT GIVES

i have something to say about my personal life but its going to come across as REALLY funny and idk how else to word it

oh the course lead told me i did not have to do the presentation for feb after all since im on holiday thank god

waiting for reed to come home from work like a lost lil puppy

anyway. i am calm i am centred i am unbothered by my mother trying to deliberately antagonise me because she is evil (affirmations)

got harassed by my mother the very second i got out of bed when she barged into my room demanding to look at the information on my computer that i've already confirmed to her to be true 👍

ah i should probably either try to sleep soon or pull an all nighter... i'll need to be up at 4-5am on monday

I made some bugsnax fanart ! #bugsnax #fanart #art

I GOT MY MELAN + A SHINY TWIN AND THEYRE BOTH GENTLE NATURED!

ah. time for pokéfarm to lag and bug out on me. daily occurrence...

im ngl i dont know how much time i'll have during type race so i'm going to activate my grass z crystal today while we've got the sei bonus...

just realised how behind my countdown for reed's birthday is I SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE IT TO THE FLIGHT but honestly it's nicer to count down to this. my flight is on the 13th though!

i can't decide if asaka and misaki should share asaka's anniversary with robin, so i can celebrate all three on the same day, or if i should let them have individual anniversary dates because i didn't start yume'ing with misaki until more recently... hmmm

i'm nervous to leave freddo, but he is in capable hands! my sister has had many animals, and takes good care of them - and amphibians and reptiles are of course not the same, but they do have very similar feeding instructions so i think she'll do a good job, since she's housed/had a lot of lizards

i think i also have to admit i've been struggling a lot with my anxieties/fears about my relationships and i keep mentally jumping to certain conclusions. i hope you guys think of me as your friend ;; i think of you as mine! even if i worry i don't always show it

everything will be okay, i just have a mother who will unintentionally belittle me in every single way possible. but that's not my fault

i never know how to label myself because i can do a lot of things for myself but i am often so overwhelmed that i'm unable to do them on a specific day, and i've realised that i have no understanding of social rules and anything like that and i get so panicked i just withdraw

i think all of my airport assistance stuff is sorted too, the information states that somebody can assist me right up to boarding the plane :)

i'm coping a lot better today honestly, i'm still bubbling full of stress, but i'm trying really hard not to let my mother get to me. it's a conflicted emotion because i know she's just trying her best to help but she's also making me feel very crappy in the process...

about me:

my ESTA got approved! i am legally allowed to visit the united states for tourism!