Unlike some people I can’t tell the difference between still and sparkling, which made it even sadder when my son was sparkling born.

I went to a rough school. Every kid brought in knives in their bags, except me, which is probably why I failed chef college.

Have we not just to got assume that everyone who claims #antifa is an organisation is a member of #profa?

To be fair, everyone who has been vaccinated either has, or eventually will have, died. So…

I feel bad for Trump. Imagine having to instruct your own government to stage the death of your best friend.

Would you like to give money to help underprivileged crows? It’s for a good caws.

At high school my first lesson of the day was English Lit. Which made it difficult as the next lesson was supposed to be History Sober.

I once dated a pair of conjoined twins. Well, technically I was only dating one of them but I was seeing her sister behind her back.

I live in a really rough area. The whole time I’ve lived there I must have seen 5/600 crack or heroin transactions and at least 50 of them I wasn’t even involved in.

I’ve got a joke about an earthquake that splits a room.

Anyone got £500 to waste on an acoustic guitar? Taka-mine.

Ever since I installed a vaulted ceiling people keep jumping over my house.

During the Middle Ages most Knights died because they didn’t forward their chain mail to ten people.

I wouldn’t artificially change the colour of my lettuce but I dye cress…

My son got sent home from school. I asked him why; he said “I wasn’t paying attention during maths.” I was shocked: I hadn’t realised the new season had started!

My friend asked me “Do you keep your drinks glasses right way up or upside down?” I said, “Upside down of course, or else the spiders get loose.”

My wife will buy anything marked “sale”. Last week she bought South Manchester.

One time I managed to have sex for an hour and three minutes. I remember because it was the night the clocks went forward.

Kym short for kymnasium.

Love it when WH Smiths does its bit for climate change by not cooling any of the drinks it sells from its fridges.

My brother is into personal growth, or to put another way, he has a fungal infection.

I have a headache. Thus I am not autistic. Flawless logic.

I was out in town today and saw a tall man with a wide brimmed hat. He looked shady.

Things you should try and avoid after the age of 40: processed foods, excessive alcohol and using skibidi in a conversation.

(This joke works better if a woman says it, because stereotypes) I just found a tenner in my husband’s jeans. What a way to find out he’s incontinent.

My cousin is such a poser. Thinks he’s a proper roadman, standing out there with his lollipop and hi-viz.

Of all the mood stabilisers out there, the most popular is Lithium which users have described as “ok, I guess”.

A young fish is caught by an angler and then thrown back. The fish swims home to his parents! “Mum! Dad! You’ll never guess what happened to me!” To which the mum says, “Is that a lip piercing? Steven, talk to your son!”

Speaking as a parent: AAAARRRGGHHHHHHGRRRRAASGHHHHHHblubblubblubaaaaaaasob

If I learned anything from summer school it’s that those who failed history are doomed to repeat it.

When you remove fact and truth from the conservative argument it seems palatable. In other words, take the Tea out of alt-right, it becomes “alright”. This is not a joke.

I just got a rescue dog. I rescued him last year, from my ex-girlfriend.

On my dating agency questionnaire, I wrote that was looking for a partner who was vegetarian, not looking to have children and, ideally, Asian. Next week I have a date with a panda.

I’ve always been single and socially awkward: I can’t even get a girl to give me the time of day, so I bought a watch.

I keep all my porn on the laptop I share with my wife. It’s on the desktop in a folder named Fantasy Football Stats.

Bloody hell! I make one joke about Charlie Kirk and suddenly I’m getting in the neck!

I was talking to a beautiful women, but she was having none of it. She kept saying, “If you think you can talk me into your bed, you’ve got another thing coming!” So I asked her, “Ok, so what prompted your visit to Bensons For Bed today, madam?”

The problem with my girlfriend is that we just don’t have the same sense of humour. For example me and my sister can laugh at the same stupid stuff for hours , but I’m not allowed to shag her. Anymore.

They say that walking is good for you; didn’t feel that way when I took a stroll along the M6.

Sexual harassment in the kitchen is *chefs kiss*

My schizophrenic uncle won the lottery. He was just annoyed he had to share it.

I just put a deposit on a new Tesla. Shortly after I was arrested for defecating in public.

Billie Eilish looks like she’s having two simultaneous strokes.

I’m interested in exploring role play with my wife. She’ll pretend she’s not attracted to me and treats me like a worthless piece of shit whilst I try to convince her to role play.

My wife and I tried roleplay last night. She dressed up as a sexy nurse and I lay in the corridor for three days.

Originally St. George came from Turkey which is why he’s usually depicted with brilliant white teeth and a hair transplant.

I used to be a terrible dancer, but I wanted to impress my wife on our wedding day. Sure enough, I practised and practised and wowed her in the dancefloor. “I’ve got a secret to tell you,” I said “I’ve been seeing a dance teacher.” She gasped: “Oh thank god, I’ve been seeing your brother.”

I’ve started wearing women’s underwear, ever since my wife found them in my car.

My new girlfriend is shy and retiring but hopefully she opens up once she’s no longer working.

I took a bowl of curds to a Reform voter painting a roundabout, but it turns out I should give whey to the right.