Addressing the target employee as “target employee”

Hitting an aircraft with an rpg has to be an all time feeling. Likely 100s of times better than sex

Never use reminders and I’m learning how unforgiving it is

Id love to be poured into a thermal carafe

Sat down on the can to pee and text, but in such a way that both feet are now asleep and I can’t get up

In 3 or 4 appointments I think I managed to earn the trust and affection of my psychiatrist. Unfortunately just not in sufficient quantities for her to prescribe me benzos

Who else up watching every video on the American paddlefish wiki

Can they do this? Goose experts chime in

Somehow I’ve gotten the zoomer stare twice today, purely over the phone

Reasonably confident this was it

Making money moves (we’re spending it)

I know it’s just a lost in translation but being a running dog sounds kinda fun

Isn’t that your prime minister bro. Bro

If you guys don’t tell me I’m the one most aligned with the dao here I’m going to freak the fuck out

We have been made blind to the beauty of the word disambiguation by Wikipedia

Woke up with familiar Sunday feelings; hunger for biscuits and spite for god

Im sorry for your loss, playboy

There are very few dogs you could teach to understand and deploy the concept of “mid”. But all cats could be. And I think it gets to the appeal of both as pets

You might thing it’s stupid to have a bunch of singleton pairs of socks. And you’re right

If I could pick a language to download into my brain instantly it’d be Cantonese, no question. Sounds sick and I could figure out mandarin from there

Oh but to live in a poorly informed European teenagers imagined America

Anybody need a ride to Ypsilanti

Opening a store called Strictly Abstractions. There’s nothing inside and we charge you 50 dollars for walking in

Good boy

Moving around my apt stiffly, emitting a gentle, low-pitched hum

What’s this from, suttree? I’m procrastinating

Hard to imagine much good happening in our timeline, but I do think I’ll live to see Israel become a pariah nation and cut loose by its benefactors

There should be holidays where we just skip a day of the week. Date stays the same, just goes right from Tuesday to Thursday. Like if you agree. Retweet if you strongly agree

You just gotta chuckle when things are not as they seem

Barron Trump is launching a premium, pineapple-coconut yerba mate beverage brand called SOLLOS in May 2026, per NYP

Relatable

I make 130k a year certifying bruh moments

Bought a secondhand hat online and it came in this

[authoritatively] my circus, my clowns

There’s ants in my apt and they’re carrying away slivers of kale? Bros there’s gotta be better homes to infest

I don’t care about the career consequences, I will never have a LinkedIn

Not my ass showing up to the function in the 20-pound, 600 dollar Japanese hoodie

My abbreviation system where I just use the initial letter of a word+x instead of writing them out is failing me

Can we finally collectively admit there are two types of hass avocado, one that’s oilier, denser, and more yellow in tone, and another that’s greener, and has a little more water to it?

BBC having a paywall is crazy. You’re the mouthpiece of the british govt. don’t insult me by insinuating I’d even consider paying

They should put a little asterisk in the weather app when a cold front is coming in and the high happens at like 12:01 am

Nothing sucks like finding out a beautiful painting is in an Israeli museum. Free them

Marco Rubio is aging worse than I would have expected him to and by god he deserves it

Not my ass being lowered to the ground via an intricate system of pulleys

As the weather warms, new and intriguing smells reveal themselves in my century old apartment building

Damn we really are on the extreme fast track of imperial collapse huh

There is a right answer

Hmm not sure yet, mind if I air out my thought process verbally for the next 90 seconds or so?