If Starmer were Machiavelli… Rayner announces her tax problems are over. Streeting pre-empts her putative leadership bid, resigns & hits the start button for the leadership contest. Burnham declares for Starmer, as does Rayner. Starmer thrashes Streeting in the leadership contest… 1/2

#StateOpening The main qualification seems to be to carry a Santa Hat Ona Stick and keep a straight face. I think I could do that - gissa job

#StateOpening I wonder what you have to do to be graced with the responsibility of carrying the Santa Hat Ona Stick? Is it a responsibility to which one can aspire? Can I please do it next year???

#StateOpening Oh Great Flying Spaghetti Monster, @bbc, never mind the political drivel, get to the important stuff - who’s carrying the Santa Hat Ona Stick?

#StateOpening This commentary on the BBC is just horrible drivel. Bring back the Dimblebys!

#StateOpening Ah! The King and Queen are just setting off from Buckingham Palace in a different carriage (with more horses)

#StateOpening I’m wrong - the regalia wasn’t in the carriage with the King, they were in the carriage all on their own. So where’s the King? On a bus?

#StateOpening Dear @bbc could we have the actual pageantry and ceremony without all the blah blah blah please?

#StateOpening Is anyone else hearing the Imperial March from Star Wars in their heads as the guards process in?

#StateOpening Wait, the crown and sword and the Santa Hat Ona Stick are in the carriage with the King - previously they have arrived in their own separate chauffeur driven car.

#StateOpening Never mind the politicians, bring on the Cap of Maintenance, aka the Santa Hat Ona Stick!

The King’s Speech: but who will carry the Santa Hat Ona Stick, without which (as any fule kno) the government cannot function?

I have serious safeguarding concerns about the victims/subjects of ITV’s “How to Clean up for Cash”. Presumably they get post-hoc permission from the people on camera but how many people react as I would - “put everything back where you found it and get out of my house!” and are never shown?

Is there a national shortage of broad beans or something? I have all the ingredients to make a coronation quiche today and a risotto primavera tomorrow but I can’t find any broad beans anywhere! 🤷‍♀️

Get out your copy of today’s Guardian and turn to page 15 of the Journal. Now do the “Kids Countdown” maths puzzles, which I do every week to check how many little grey cells are left. The solutions at the bottom of the page are all wrong, right? I mean, right???

#Canterbury As usual, no-one’s checking the subtitles - they were a verse ahead in the last hymn and now they’re a sentence behind. 😡

#NationalLottery What kind of an idiot redesign is the new website? Where you can only sort your tickets by date of *purchase* instead of *draw*? Too many fatuous pictures & not enough consideration of functionality

#Emmerdale Just give Jeff Hordley the BAFTA now.

My mum’s very keen on the Tower of London documentary series on Channel 5. Sadly they’re repeating it in “any old tat” mode: last week we had the death of QEII and this week it’s the platty jubes. Someone read the labels before broadcasting, eh?

So you have a 95 year old who wants to buy a new iphone. The nearest Apple shop is too far & not accessible. There’s a Curry’s we can get to, but no way of contacting them to see if they will have a chair for her, have stock, will update the new phone with her old details…

Shout out to the lovely people at the X-ray department at the Hallamshire @sth.nhs.uk who did my knee X-ray this morning and couldn’t have been nicer or more helpful.

#Corrie Could you *please* employ a lighting specialist who knows how to light black faces? Ronnie keeps disappearing. It’s not a new issue so shouldn’t be that big an ask. www.theguardian.com/film/2017/se...

#RedEye Ok in the next scene can they just walk us through the plot again please, because I’m completely baffled now.

#Corriedale I’m going to want the cops to have collected some dashcam footage of Carl putting Debbie into the driver’s seat and Evil!Theo refastening Billy’s seatbelt please. And Vic just say what happened - no jury would convict! Self-defence.

#Emmerdale I’m sick of this storyline now: somebody dob Ray in for goodness’ sake!

#Emmerdale Hidden video camera. Edited selection of Ray’s threats onto the village group chat and simultaneously to the police. As the Duke of Wellington said, publish and be damned.

#Emmerdale Yay! Cain is back! Put the truth about Celia and Cain on the village group chat and assemble with pitchforks at dawn!

#Emmerdale Stop this - you’ve got me yelling “kill him! Just kill him” at the screen, and I don’t like feeling that way. (But Bear should kill Celia please)

Nope #Emmerdale, I’m not having it. Every righteous dude in the village needs to turn up at Celia’s farm with a baseball bat and get it sorted. (Obviously only in fiction, irl call the cops)

#Emmerdale is just too stressful right now and the sws are stretching it out too long again. Can we cut to the scene where Cain, Paddy, Marlon, Aaron, basically a full-on Emmerdale posse, invade Celia’s farm and rescue everyone please?

Bring back Budget secrecy!!! So sick of leaking, kite-flying, briefing - are they trying to bore us to death before the Budget even starts?

How many times? Just alter your subtitle settings so they’re on screen one tab (ten spaces) to the right, so subtitle users can see the whole score! It’s hardly rocket science.

Oh come on - the Sutton Hoo replica ship has to be called Hooty McHootface, obviously!

Make it illegal to gamble with an offshore bookie. Let the betting companies onshore and pay their taxes or sod off.

Proposition: forty per cent of soap opera plots would be solved if soap opera characters would just lock their doors.

#Subtitlefail Yeah. They were from “Nepal” not “nipple” thanks. #Cenotaph

#Bakeoff OK who sabotaged Aaron’s bowl?

#Emmerdale Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!

#TriggerPoint …and a nation screams as one “put your bloody gas mask back on”

My new step counter just vibrated in my pocket and told me to move about more and I am *outraged*

#GBBO Why don’t they get a portable aircon unit in the tent? Why make them do it in boiling rooms? It’s not funny, it’s not clever. 🤬

Boomtown Rats concert later this week: they aren’t due on stage till 9.20. 9.20???? Come on, St Sir Bob, know your audience! We’re of an age to be snoozing in front of the telly at 9.20, not pogoing! Play a matinee & you’d be sold out

#TheOnePerCentClub wait, how many more GLASSES you said! I got the “right” answer but I angsted over whether you were counting PAIRS of glasses as one or two. Rotten swizz.

#MurderBeforeEvensong 4) This isn’t the Middle Ages: churches weren’t left unlocked and empty ready for random murderers, even in 1988.

#MurderBeforeEvensong 3) Do vicars really sit angsting in front of blank pieces of paper with the word “sermon” written across the top? I mean, this is set before there were websites of them but there were books even back in the 80s

#MurderBeforeEvensong 1) All churches don’t have candles burning all hours (especially when they’re empty!) 2) Shouldn’t a vicar hearing a dying man’s confession offer him absolution? And not just sit there like a lump

TV producers: can we just agree to stop doing “the winner is…” followed by a pause long enough for the camera to pan across all the anxious faces and the audience at home to yell “just TELL them, dammit!” Just tell them, ok?

#Emmerdale We are heckling the tv “just TELL him!” Every flaming scene so far. Great flying spaghetti monster, get some new writers and move the plot onwards.

#Emmerdale Why has Caleb had a personality transplant? Send Ruby abroad on holiday to join the kids, tell John to publish & be damned, and get his expensive lawyers ready to argue John killed Anthony & his story is an elaborate revenge fantasy. Then thump him & turn him in to the police.

#Emmerdale Great Flying Spaghetti Monster, scriptwriters! Stop it! We wanted Mac *found*, not yet *another* twist! #JumpedTheShark