why do i keep wasting so much energy seeking approval from people I don't even want it from?

if nothing else, being hit on while i'm having ideations is gender affirming ig

i don't know if i'm ever going to get her back

under 140 for the first time in years

it's really interesting to see who likes my weird hornyposting, and it's usually the people I'm fishing for

yeah i think i might have gotten cptsd over the past couple years

yeah, it's definitely shark week

i'm actually glad about my diminishing appetite cause it'll make it easier for me to not eat while i'm recovering from surgery plus losing some weight will help accentuate my collarbone that i desperately want people to touch

i'm thinking about that grass field off highway 37 again

gabapentin is so good at making my worries and pains go away, and i was doing such a good job not being dependent on it. but this is my second time this week, and I think my fourth this month. but between this and weed i should probably admit that I'm a functioning drug addict.

it keeps happening lately where I'm trying to manage a crisis and I freeze because I don't know what to do I always know what to do, that's like my whole point. this is really distressing

ahhhhhhh i fucked up so hard at work and I'm scared i'll get in trouble for it

my surgery is in just over a month and i'm so fucking nervous

god i hate the way i look naked

i just read an email he sent to me over a decade ago. it explained a lot about who he was trying to be, what he wanted to be. in my brain there are three of him: the man who didn't know what to do with me and left me to flounder; the man withering away in hospice living a hell that nobody deserves,

my birthdays have been historically kinda lousy, and yesterday had its challenges, but those last few hours more than made up for it 🫠

if I have to cancel another vacation cause I'm sick, i

"the future will fix me" says the girl completely detached from the flow of time

not having a good day today

i wish i was as into sex as I like to think i am. but everything is overstimulating and i just feel like i'm being tickled. that or my tummy hurts. drugs help a lot though and put me in the mindset I need to be in, but i wish I could do this sober. maybe i'm just meant to sit in the chair and watch

i feel like i've been bad at being saffi for the past while, starting to forget what it feels like

this struggle is going to be how I reach heaven, i got the mandate after all

it feels like I'm just not allowed to have peace in my own fucking home, almost like she thinks I don't deserve it do I not work hard enough?

I deserve better