What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA

"I am a grower of weed" I'm sorry, I prefer show-ers

I hate when I am listening to music in my car and someone calls, like what do you want, I'm in the studio?

Bought some memory enhancement videos Keep forgetting to watch them!

I made my password supermanbatmanhulkflashspidermanwonderwomanironmanwolverine, because it had to be a minimum of 8 characters.

Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left? Son: I don't know, because in school we learn on apples.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

I went to a specialist for an enema. He cleaned me out!

Why did the ghost go to the doctor? He needed a boo-ster shot.

I told the chimney sweep that I'd like to do the job on my own. He said "soot yourself"

Sweet potatoes sleep in their yammies

I went to a cock fight last night. I am surprised at how many people have Prince Albert piercings

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite kind of story? A cotton tale!

My friend opened a shop in Dallas making rowing paddles for small boats and canoes. It’s The Best Little Oar House in Texas

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus. The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook." I said: "Why?" He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

I was on the bus yesterday and an old lady sat next to me and asked if I had any pets. I replied, "A Koi Carp." She then asked, "Any hobbies?" To which I replied, "Well, he likes swimming..."

I'm getting stronger, I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand

Having too many vowels is a consonant struggle in the game of Scrabble

If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered a beef? Whatever it is they need to squash it before someone gets beet up.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1? Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport? Basket-ball

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

The state of Missouri is investing millions in advertising in an attempt to promote and lure more people from other states to vacation here and visit their many attractions. The new ad slogan is called... Missouri Loves Company

March Into Battle by Sally Forth

This movie is hilarious! Now watching Renfield

Now watching Send Help

Ranchers used to order livestock through the Steers Cattlelog.

mmmm sun baked pies

Sheryl Crow and Russell Crowe walk into a bar and were arrested for attempted murder.

What do you call an Igloo without a toilet? An ig

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron

What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates

What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theater? You miss most of the movie

My friend Rory Was recently telling my other friend Alice about the beautiful northern lights and he went on for 5 hours. It was a case of A Rory boring Alice.

Ask a question about a chicken and the answer is likely to be true or fowlse.

Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was fed up with the hole business.