Ever look and someone and just know they’re bad in bed?

I didn’t get the memo on the hot new water bottle

Do you lay down in the shower or are you normal

Spent $400 on a skin care thing for JPs bday. He better use this thing 😩

Passed my second licensing exam (one to go), had a killer leg day, now gonna spend the rainy day playing video games and go celebrate with some friends tonight ♥️

Unfortunately will have to spend the next few months dodging conversations to avoid having to tell people Lorde doesn’t really do anything for me

4 musicals to get to know me

If I can hear you chewing over my noise cancelling headphones then perhaps you should be hunted for sport

I just know it’s girthy and mostly balls 😍😍

Baby it doesn’t matter if you have 7 plates on either side - if those legs are bending less than a plane wing in mild turbulence, you’re not gonna do shit for those muscles

Really need to get tf offline 😞

Boss told me I look like a tech ceo today and if he means Elon I’m gonna kms

Trader Joe’s online ordering would heal roughly 15% of my overall anxiety in life

Hi short king with the dumpy at the gym! how are you short king with the dumpy at the gym?

I love butts 🙂‍↕️

It is FAR too early and I am FAR too busy today for me to be this worked up 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Invest in your mattress and bedding. Money spent you will never regret.

How did I wake up 40min early and end up having the best chest day I’ve had in weeks?

Excited to announce that the next time I hear about the “viral Dubai chocolate” I’ll be rocketing myself directly into the surface of the sun

If your feet are in the pic I’m zooming in I don’t know what to tell you

Two aggro white guys talking about crypto at the gym? Now I’ve seen everything!

Penises are just so pretty

I thought the Rimowa and Loro Piana ads were funny but IG trying to sell me $8k Francis Bacon prints is crazyyyyy. How well off does IG think I am lmao

Not to be all gainer core but I do tend to prefer the way my body looks after a big meal

I think I’m just going to need to make peace with the fact that if I want a good sleeper sofa for the guest room it’s gonna be expensive 😔

PM just called to say she knows I had a rough week + not to take clients’ bad decisions personally. So simple but it meant so much to feel seen. All this to say if you’re in a position of leadership, it makes all the difference to your team to show you care.

Mon: Finnish salmon soup w/ fresh homegrown dill Tues: cacio e pepe ravioli w/ asparagus and Italian sausage Wed: bad mood Thurs: steak tips w/ gravy, caprese salad w/ homegrown basil Fri: homemade Alfredo pizza w/ grilled chicken and broccolini 👨🏻‍🍳👨🏻‍🍳👨🏻‍🍳

I’ll use better than bullion as a dipping sauce at this point idc idc

The best part about being in a creative field is putting so much of yourself into your work. The worst part about being in a creative field is putting so much of yourself into your work.

Bigfoot researchers are so funny like oh you’re looking for a mysterious hairy giant with legendary feet? Get in line!

Had incredible feedback at work, got a new tattoo, and now just got good news for the first time in 3 years about my health. Extremely grateful for this day. Now a beer while I wait for the train for a weekend away with JP ♥️

Did the most romantic thing possible this Valentine’s Day: bought us a high end mattress 😌

Every interaction I’ve ever had with Siri has been against my will

I need to start saying dumber shit. I’m 33 and still haven’t had the opportunity to tell someone they took the obviously shitty thing I said “out of context”

No country for old men I promise I’m not ageist!

Kinda living for this live photo my teammate got of me presenting

Posted to IG yesterday but just feeling grateful today too

Make it make sense: an uber I reserved 24 hours in advance can cancel on me 4 minutes away, without penalty, ensuring I’m late for the reserved time - but if I want to cancel it to find a closer driver than they’ve switched to, I get charged a fee?

Who knew Obamas tight five would ultimately lead to more dangerous consequence than the killing of archduke Franz Ferdinand

We actually might live in the worst timeline

I don’t speak Portuguese but I have a solid handle on “I want to stay in the close friends list”

Stoplight party so I guess I’ll wear the only yellow I have

My 71 year old mother has spoken 🙂‍↕️

Do you think instead of things like “let’s go grab drinks” - groups of white girls say things like “let’s go stand as a group in the center of busy city sidewalks” for fun?

Only you can keep Bluesky a safe place to browse in public. Tag those posts with adult content, friends!

A loving god would not have made chewing make noise