Why did my supervisor decide to deepthroat an entire banana while finalizing the results of our surprise audit today??

Yeah I work for the company where people go to after they win life changing awards, what of it??

Why is it almost 100 degrees??? ITS MARCH. MARCH BRO.

"Croissant burger" "Croissurger" "Go home"

Tbh I have no idea how I'm still alive. For the last 2 years of high school my diet consisted of strictly animal fries and the Taco Bell dollar menu. I should actually be dead by now

I told Mel that we can give them fuzzy little ears and they can be a faun for the ren faire and they called me a furry

"If you shit your pants we're gonna have to take you out back and BLAM"

My sister has the immune system of a Victorian era child. Pale like one too. Fuckin poor thing

Jane Lynch as Sam's mom in that one iCarly episode. Mmmmmmmmmm

Jane Lynch as Sam's mom in that one iCarly episode. Mmmmmmmmmm

I'm gonna start listening to early career Justin Bieber again. It's called regressing to cope 🫶☺️

It costed almost $60 to fill up my tank last night. That could be a dinner for 4. What the fuck. This is what I get for buying an SUV. I mean the war also did this I fucking hate the president but this is also partly my fault

Do the Post Malone Oreos taste like cigarettes and whiskey and drunk texting my ex???

Lin Manuel Mandolin

It's me and my drinkable cigarette (Diet Coke) against the world

Coworker: I wonder if anyone has pitched to sell a chicken sandwich here and then immediately got fired

"Are you going to start a podcast?" "No" "Why?" "Because I believe something in The Devine waits for me if I don't"

Pretty sure I was haunted last night. Wow, a friend!

Facebook Marketplace is such a vibe

I have a white fuckjng eyebrow I'm cooked it's Joever

Birth control and acne medication is technically HRT

"When you are 35, 18 is the new 14. Like how could 18 be a legal adult? I didn't start feeing like an adult until maybe a year ago"

"Am I being too much?" Babe my body aches if you are not talking to me 24/7, my heart is ripping through my body to get to you. You have to be joking.

I keep a couple locks of Mel's hair in a necklace

"I'm accidentally niche"

Music festivals are for influencers who get pampered at every brand tent. They haven't been for the regular general public for 15 years, it's insane. Woodstock used to be an affordable way to see artists all at one place. Crazy crazy crazy. Whatever I guess I'll make my own music then.

Afab couples be like "I shouldn't have to pay if you saw my boobs, which are perfect" and it's a circular conversation for 20 minutes

My sister refers the kids she's teaching her "kids" or "kiddos". So naturally, people ask her "you have kids!????" And it's like no, she's a teacher and she loves her students. They are hers for 9 hours a day. Some of them see her more than they see their own parents. Those are her kids.

Mel and I have been watching TOH and Mel squeals and giggles every time Amity is flustered by Luz. I have never loved a human being more in my life

BYOBM bring your own bald man

?????????

Mel rewatches All In and The Hardest Thing consistently. Its so crazy to think that the actually like the thing I introduced them too rather than just liking spending time watching it with me. I love them with a fiery intensity of 10 million suns

This is a bragging bweet, sorry in advance

My beautiful non binary lover is now injecting T biweekly in order to get bigger muscles and they just told their aunt who they're living with and it was received well 🎉🎉🎉

Joey, in front of me: just a second I was texting you

My college boyfriend wrote a sketch about my family dynamic during dinner time and literally casted my family in his theater class and I never once got to read that script and I think that's a fucking crime. It was probably so funny.

Supervisor: I'm texting [favorite technician] any notes to pass along? Me: yeah tell him to stop it Sup: "and Haley says to stop it" okay I sent it

"Dr. Pepper" is a crazy name for a drink that literally is just a 2:1 ratio of Pepsi and root beer.

"How dare you, you know I'm distantly related to Harambe"

Who the fuck eats cake donuts??? Go eat a slice of cake wtf

There's a carpentry guy that I talk to frequently and every time I call him he answers with "yes ma'am?" And I love it with all my heart

Hearing a straight couple go "we've been trying for a baby" is gross but I think it's funny and cute to say that my girlfriend and I have also been trying for a baby. One day 🥰🥰

"What do you do for work?" M: truly? Fuck around

"Maybe it ISN'T gas leak energy maybe we're just haunted" "That would be healthier, probably"

Need my gf's attention so bad that I'm gonna rip a portal to them like a demogorgan. Fuck a key bitch I'm coming through your walls baby 🫶🥰

I am a completely different person in makeup. A drag queen, if u will

Mel: when I left your room your mom was meowing at your dad

Why is Mel texting me "meow" and nothing else

Finding out all boy crushes I had in elementary school are gay now. And also so am I so that's cool as fuck