Sup: do you ever look at someone's name and think wow they had a tough go when they were young? Me: yeah like that guy who's' last name is Cox Sup: HA I don't get it

Save me Jersey Mike's veggie sandwich, save me

"Are these the expensive ones I found or the trash ones I bought?"

"His name, it sounds like a crooner" "A GOONER?!?" "Please go home I can't deal with you today"

Happy 2 year anniversary to me and Big Burger ❤️🥰✨

Sensory seeking by lighting myself on fire

There was no reason to open up a pit at the Good Kid show. Bro why are we moshing to a Laufey cover I hate 24 year old dudes

Cobbler is just pie casserole

"Do you call short shorts booty cheek shorts or daisy dukes?"

Any group of 5+ gay friends look like The Village People

*from outside my office* Sup: hey Bryan do you know who Voldemort is?

Thrilling things are happening in my family group chat

Trying to find cheapo rings because Mel and I are going to cosplay newly weds on our vacation so we can get into hijinks and maybe free things

Proud of myself for not being the trigger happy clap back queen I once was. letting things go has been a feat parallel to slaying a beast but I'm much happier this way.

It's so funny when I take a picture of something at my desk and there's Amphibia prints from past zines in the background lol. I love being able to decorate my work space it's so me

Trying to pitch a team bonding improv class day to my bosses and it's not going well. It would be so funny though.

Supervisor: Big Milk used to have a hold on me, but not anymore I'm finally free

Me: you owe me $45, mom Mom: how do you want it? Me: doesn't matter Mom: how about in hugs and love? Me: american currency, mom

Taking all my vitamins and supplements and washing it down with dark Columbian espresso

My favorite technician sent me an email asking if everything was alright because I was hating a mfing DAY yesterday. I love him.

I think Tiny Desk Concerts should be for smaller artists only now. Like they already had all of the greats on there give only indie artists a chance please I'm begging

Genuinely reaching a flow state ragebaiting my coworkers ❤️

There's something so gently satisfying and vindicating about telling people you are happily cuffed and in love and watching people get disappointed by that news.

Desperately miss when Kanye was medicated and sane. Graduation was su ch a good album 😞

Coworker: *carrying a large heavy metal rod* Me: swing that and hit me in the head Cw: you're always thinking about yourself, it's always about you huh?"

Thinking about the stores in Indio and Coachella Valley....those poor fucking people

Just told my supervisor I was "dementia maxing" because I think I forgot to put a shift cover in my calendar why must I suffer

"Hey remember when the Beach Boys were homeless?"

I've seen a total of 3 episodes of The Office but the one I always go back to is the CPR training. that entire episode holds up so well and truly is so fucking funny

Mel to the employees at whatever shop we were at as I was trying things on: isn't she so pretty? She looks good in everything. Shes beautiful right?

Mel: that sounds like ragebaiting sir Dad: don't call me sir Mel: okay ma'am

"There's that Panera lemonade that kills you and the Thai tea that makes you gay"

Everyone's favorite Thai food is a building that was built back in the 50's but the owner of the restaurant inhabited it in the 90's and now they're just there feeding the regulars. Never been to newly established Thai place and went "this is my new favorite place" and I think that's beautiful

No longer the only nepo baby in the department, nor will I be the youngest. Feels bad and good at the same time

"Olives are Italian boba" "Stop talking"

"Yeah I'm 65" "DAMN do you call movies, talkies?"

"Thank you for gently disparaging me"

Being in a relationship is weird because to some people you will say the said person's name and then to some people you'll just use "my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner". Strange.

"He definitely needed a helmet, my father, he probably still does"

Some of the prettiest girls you know have a nicotine addiction. Not me though, ya'll take care

"You're such a nerd" I say, with barely controlled lust and fingernails digging into my palms

Supervisor: you're gonna like this one, I saw Joey reading book Me: yeah I know he reads now

My girlfriend's niece got a new unicorn plushie and named it Haley and it could have nothing to do with me or cool Aunt Mel loves someone named Haley and the niece wants to be just like aunt Mel. I choose to believe the latter.

"How many people do you think had sex on 9/11?" "Probably less than the amount on 9/10"

Went on a double date with Mel's brother and his boyfriend and we ate $140 worth of dim sum and I do not regret it at all

My best friend and I are like the same ratios of white and Japanese so we kinda look like we can be like cousins or something; which is unfortunate because I could treat her so right now

I spent all weekend with Mel because it was their birthday weekend and I got literally 0 pictures on my phone. However there are about 40 pictures between two disposable cameras so I suppose that's fine.

"Hug your moms for me" "Stay away from my mom"

Being a stoner in college gaslighted me into thinking I am a culinary genius by creating my own junk food. French toast uncrustables and croquettes dipped in nacho cheese? I'm a fucking Gordon Ramsay up in this hoe