If your car alarm goes off for more than 2 minutes, it should automatically explode

Happy St. Patrick’s Day 💚

Good morning bloomfs 🥰 today I win an Oscar And by “win an Oscar,” I mean “get to do my amazing new solo show in which I compel the Vatican to canonize my mother as a saint at one of my favorite comedy theatres in New York, so you should come if you live here” xomichaeljohn.com

NYC bloomfs!! Doing my new hour Sunday (before Oscars dw) with one of my favorite funny geniuses Erik Martini opening. It’s so silly and sweet and I’m very proud of the work we’re doing on it; come hang as I petition the Vatican to make my mother a saint!! Tix via xomichaejohn.com

International Women’s Day

Sleigh Bells soundtracking the Serena Williams GLP-1 commercial…

Makeout! At The Sketch Show

No one—least of all white gays—need to hop online to “vindicate” Matt and Bowen for the Crockett/Talarico thing. Weird and unproductive caping!

One day at a time 🙏

Cried to the new Gorillaz album this morning

Bloomfs I have a v exciting spring/summer ahead in my comedy career (!) and I want to play shows to hot people everywhere… So! if you are either and would grace me with an email list signup, I promise I will only send you show dates and di$count$! And then we kiss mailchi.mp/b67672b73977...

Sending this to the bros tn

NYC bloomfs! My new hour of comedy MOTHER, SUPERIOR is back for Sunday service on 3/15 at 2:30p! Come pregame the Oscars with me, Best Original Gay Guy in a Profoundly Stupid Solo Show. I promise you one BELLY LAUGH after another… more HAM than HAMNET… BUGONIA. 🎟️: xomichaeljohn.com

That’s my once in a generation political talent, iktr

Pre blizzard doom spiral check in

Will crushed on the show last night 🥲

I would do my Olympic free skate to “I gotta feeling”

This is how I dom

NYC bloomfs this is Friday! My monthly show TGIF moves to its new home in midtown (and celebrates its first birthday!) with a smoking hot lineup of queer baddies. I love this lineup down. Start your night with us, Drag Race is pretty dull this part of the season! Tix via xomichaeljohn.com.

Suffer in silence Sunday <3

Are we really gatekeeping the term “partner” in 2026?

Genuinely cannot understand the desire to ChatGPT and post these hideous godforsaken caricatures. Gleefully unfollowing anyone propagating this slop. Relishing being a righteous hater.

Abracadabra amor ooh-na-na

Holy fuck this episode of Drag Race is so boring

Working on my slutty little waistline

🫩

What if I said this is why we can do open relationships??

God they really shoehorned those awful songs into WICKED FOR GOOD for nothing

Need one of these for the Julia Roberts-assist on the SORRY, BABY campaign

Ariana really went from arguable frontrunner to not being nominated, sheesh

I just figured out who Connor Storrie was reminding me of tonight and it’s Kelly Lynch as Vivian Wood in CHARLIE’S ANGELS (2000)

Thank you all for your submissions; the window for end-of-year/2025 wrapped Instagram dumps—previously extended past the original New Year’s Day cutoff—IS NOW CLOSED. No new end-of-year/2025 wrapped Instagram dumps will be considered at this time. We look very forward to new posts through 2026!

By this logic, I, too, will soon be making an inexplicable Broadway transfer

Post a random picture or else everything will go bad in 2026

I took this last night

Merry 🎄

Tomorrow!! I am very excited—come hang you ho ho ho’s

NYC bloomfs! My first ever Christmas comedy spectacular GAY XMAS—and the finale to my 2025 residency at the PIT—is this Friday at 7p! It’s going to be tender and mild and so profoundly stupid. Come hang if you’re in town!! thepit-nyc.com/events/micha...

GenAI is wholesale evil and bad but why the fuck couldn’t they come up with a less fucking stupid name than “Nano Banana”?

Let me know if we taste the same!!—I mean… have similar tastes idk #spotifywrapped

Ok so these are a mystery and “BroadwayWorld reader submitted” but I am one of five nominees in Best Comedy Act alongside literal Gianmarco Soresi and Rita Rudner so thanks!! lmao

Tits the season or whatever

I am transfixed by clips of this damn gay hockey show

Any bloomfs watch the new Defunctland video?

Didn’t talk about politics at Thanksgiving so instead I explained THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES to my family so I could satisfy my need to get performatively angry about something

Ok borderline pleasant Thanksgiving but get me tf home I need to rip a holiday stress cigarette so bad

in the kitch en. straight up "basting it". and by "it", haha, well. let's just say. My peanits