NOBODY BEATS THE SOUNDERS 4-0

World Cup production team: Thierry Henry, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and Alexi Lalas. There is a polar bear in Arlington Texas.

If Wemby is a Titan, Brunson is about to awaken his Ackerman powers. Short king shit.

3 piggyback starts, each 8-10 innings of 2 runs or less and it shall only ever be remembered by Mariners fans as the stupidest thing ever done in baseball history bc the viral discourse had bad vibes.

Alex Meyer about to drop some shit about how we won 7-6, 7+6=13, each team had 13 hits. This is the first time this has happened since April 2013 in the Mariners 13th game of the year

Did not have FOX plays My Chemical Romance during a national baseball game on my bingo card.

Between Rob Refsnyder, Connor Joe, and Dane Dunning, it seems the Mariners are just stacking Asian player you wouldn’t expect to be Asian by name alone

The answer to what was higher between the cost of your most recent visit to the gas station and Paul Skenes’ opening day ERA isn’t actually an obvious one.

Hour long half. Who says MLS doesn’t revolutionize soccer?

Jordan Morris might recover from injury by the time this half is over.

I hope people never undervalue Witherspoon again after this Super Bowl. Along with Leonard the most valuable player of a now Super Bowl winning defense. Every bit the top 5 pick he is and should be enshrined right up there with the LOB in terms of franchise importance.

Most woke Super Bowl naturally belongs to Seattle.

Why did they make a commercial about what Puka Nakua puts in kids lockers?

Give me the confused confidence of a Seahawks fan that watched 0 Cleveland Browns defensive snaps that can still loudly proclaimed that Emmanwori was robbed of a meaningless award.

This game should put an end to NFL is rigged conspiracies. How can the boomers possibly justify the league manipulating Sam Darnold into the Super Bowl?

John Schneider’s entire PR turnaround is based on the idea Pete held him at gunpoint to make bad draft picks while also being a draft savant that made all his best picks in Pete’s last year.

Legit insane to hear the “real Super Bowl” comments like a top 2 MVP candidate with a pretty good defense isn’t right on the other side of the bracket.

r/Seahawks weirdly overconfident about playing a team that has outplayed them twice minus Charbonnet being a good boy in the right place and time

Fuck it, Seahawks. Wear those shitty Ducks uniforms next weekend.

Now that’s the Indiana that voted for Obama twice.

Charbonnet the king of would be TDs if he ran faster than a linebacker

Sharing Spotify Wrapped is just tech bros’ obsession with ChatGPT but for millennials who like reading their horoscope.

“I had to make sure that oblong-shaped, pencil-mustachioed dork, Bruce Harrell wasn’t mayor first before I signed” ~ Josh Naylor, probably

This shootout is just the Mariners’ Detroit series and the Toronto series all in one

No way Seattle is looking at the state of the political world right now and thinks to themselves Bruce fucking Harrell is the answer. Never mind, we deserved what George Springer did.

And the Sounders will advance on aggregate after a dominating second leg in the first round of the knockout stage!

Wow the World Series truly proving baseball is broken because John Schneider is still employed to manage a baseball team.

Toronto winning is bearable as long as I don’t actually see Schneider, Springer, and the fans happy. Just exist in theory basically.

All Toronto needed to be likable was just not talk but instead they show in every instance that they just like Drake.

At least I can continue the Seattle playoff tradition of anxiety and pain with the Sounders going to penalties

So UW officially has more impressive wins than Oregon.

Between the “Mariners fans cheered Springer getting hurt” and the “Shohei hat”, John Schneider is nearly as elite at peddling bullshit for media as he is mismanaging a bullpen.

Lost in all this Mariners ALDS game 5 drama is that Humpy officially has more playoff wins than Mike Trout. Fish on fish violence.

Missed opportunity to have an LGBTQ night in Seattle on the day of Kershaw’s last regular season start.

If Etsy Witch is woke, she will consider how funny it would be for Nick Bosa to be nursing a torn ACL and watch his alma mater lose to a team in Seattle led by a Black QB.

Apparently being a Yankees fan means you are elusive to how the top 1 offensive player that lacks a relevant defensive acumen can be compared to a top 3 offensive player who is also a top 5 defensive player at a premium position.

My greatest work as an Instagram story maker.

There are few plays that deserve to be referred to as “The (type of play)” Victor Robles just did one. In Seattle, that is “the catch”

“Zevi Eckahus reminds me a lot of Baker Mayfield” They’re just white, man, c’mon.

Is Ducks versus Beavers called the Civil War because they’re trying to battle for who supported slavery more?

I mean certainly this will be the last dose of Seattle sports disappointment this week.

I get it, Kershaw. You just saw your hero shot and now you don’t have the motivation to keep going.

Yankees fans are extremely concerned with the day to day performance of Cal Raleigh who is definitely not MVP like please stop saying he is MVP we look up his box score everyday just to show how he is clearly not MVP you’re all just Yankees haters

r/Seahawks spends more time on a bad Geno Smith game than their own team. Like both your team and Geno’s team have the same record and it’s apparently straight gloating season on that sub.

This Mariners prospect class may be ass but they know how to get game winning outs.

Being Charlie Kirk on September 10 is better than watching this Mariners game.

Feels like the only people upset at Klint Kubiak’s playcalling are people who think the offensive line is suddenly good enough to provide long drop back passes for Sam Darnold.

Abe Lucas hasn’t been this excited about a guy like him receiving extra years since the 2024 election.

George Kirby: glorified back end starter/3 at best

Rays runs scored in the inning: 4 Rays pitches thrown in the inning: 3