if you dont know hexadecimal i feel bad for you son i got 9D9 problems thats 2521

J'Acuzzi

When my brain is shutting down and When Harry Met Sally and A League of Their Own are briefly combined into a single, perfect movie

Every time I open Bluesky,

President Xi: My hope for our two countries is that we could avoid the Sugondese Trap Trump: What is the Sugondese Trap? Xi (grinning):

ME: excuse me is this your chris RUTH: oh yes thank you ME: what about this Jr. CARL: oh that’s mine

Just in case you missed it: The correct answer to yesterday's discourse about millennial's music was My Humps.

🚫👽 - dashare.zone ADMIN

Had convos w/ multiple people in the past 4 days who DID NOT KNOW that 1. AI doesn't "think" or know anything; it's a probability machine 2. It was created using massive amounts of work stolen from actual people including me 3. The environmental costs are astronomical Spread the word, every time!

Cookie Monster, as cookie crumbs fall from his lips: Me worry Americans not understand how me operate, think me just want cookies.

using a burst of adrenaline to lift a car off my child and place it on your child

Literally the day after we find out only 7000 people care enough to pay to hear what this guy thinks 👍

Who needs a “Mentalist”* when you have a cartoonist who knows what government officials are thinking? My cartoon from February. *Latest Fad @theonion.com

Email from bank / hospital: A new document is available to view on your account. Me: What kind of document is it? Them: 🫣 It's a secret.

Say what you want about this motherfucker but he drives the correct American way (steering wheel on left, infant daughter with no car seat in the front)

us in these trying times

I can tell if somebody is prejudiced just by looking at them

If you're in line to post a joke about bluesky not working STAY IN LINE!

Bluesky today.

the US Navy is "urgently hiring" morticians

"the crew is in excellent shape" in fact, one of them is... STRONGER than EVER. and another... seems to be INCREDIBLY FLEXIBLE... and another...

Hate it when a coworker asks about my weekend plans because I have to come up with a lie like "watching a movie" or "meal prep" because I'd get in trouble for honestly telling them that I'll be jorkin' my pingas so hard it will fly off like a rocket.

Boi dinner.

Economy so bad they literally closed the dick-sucking factory

Guys, what are you doing, they moved April Fool’s Day to tomorrow

ME: sorry folks - one sec, having gamera issues CHAT: lol gamera. gamera issues. mfer said gamera [I enable a secondary camera feed showing the infamous kaiju Gamera attacking me] CHAT: oh fuck

Step one: don’t serve ham at Passover

wouldn't be the first time disney killed sora

Here's your moment of zen: A "holy" cat named Coco stands at the entrance of a church in Mexico, seemingly blessing everyone who walks in 🐱

Me: Robert Muller died. Mom: Who's that? He died as he lived, of no consequence.

Chuck Norris fact: he died

I'm a bitch / I'm a lover / Beowulf killed Grendel's mother

Venezuela and the US playing baseball together a couple of months after the US did a visible and undeniable coup has made Bowser being invited to go-karts and tennis more realistic.

"Oh, lousy Smarch weather."

Felt cute today, might delete later. 💅 #OmArt #art

I suppose this frees time so that you can have your sex avatar enjoying its interaction with other sexbots and summarizing those in a daily report

I'm worried when Kristi Noem finds out she's been fired she's going to become America's first obedience school shooter.

me: why didn’t Ariel just write a note to the Prince after she lost her voice to let him know what Ursula did to her? i mean she signed the contract so we know she can write pharmacist: i meant questions about the medication

I think that the wolves that raised me were good parents.

practing a new form of mindfulness i call "fun computer" where i spend time at my desk but im not looking at things that make me sad or mad