i dont think ill ever get over feeling shy posting about my interests on *my own* account, its so stupid. severe lack of viktorposting here even though he occupies my thoughts most of the day. i get embarassed typing it all out and then give up

saw a dream where a poisonous snake ate my brains and then slithered down my spine to eat the rest of my organs

(coe33 vague spoilers) okay maybe my estimate of "halfway done" was a little off, finished act 1 today and then played a little further after that. i knew he was gonna die because i got spoiled (own fault), but i really liked him so feeling a little sad today. not really trusting this new guy

tried drawing on my tablet i feel so rusty... ive been thinking about an iron maiden themed faust, kind of a monster design. she has too many human shaped forms, i want something different even if i end up never drawing it again

awful day. worst in a while. drew meaningless patterns to get my mind off things. last one i drew with my left hand again. hope tomorrow is better

watched movies today with a friend and had fun. i havent been drawing at all again. i think im about halfway done with coe33

its getting colder

love the ost so far, adding them to my drawing bgm list as i go youtu.be/gF9I1HQbd0Y?...

left hand faust i drew at rehab. very up and down days recently. bought expedition 33 today very excited to play it because ive managed to avoid all spoilers. saw a dream where a big fluffy werewolf hugged me, if any werewolves are reading this please contact me and give me a chance. thank you

had to pull till hard pity, but yay. i saved up gems for a good while

my viktorling&pillow arrived today and im happy but wow.... im subhuman trash

now that im a little less rusty with drawing i cant come up with anything to draw. i only get good ideas when im off my meds

one fear: redrawing old art but the new one ends up worse than the original

more old faust art... makes me feel a little nostalgic. her ears and sleeves got bigger and bigger as time went on lol

this doodle &poem (if you could call it that) i made in 20 minutes is still one of my fav faust drawings ive done. i remember exactly what prompted me to draw it and how i felt. i want to redraw some more of my old art so im sorting through them

that new procreate update made it actually usable. miracles do happen

ive been watching vinny play silent hill f (cant bring myself to pay 80€ for it though id like to play it) and ive loved it so far, the environments and soundtrack/sound design especially are really good

im gonna draw some buuullshiiit today! ueah! !

song ive liked recently open.spotify.com/track/2EBZGi...

viktor.......must draw viktor tomorrow................*explosions *

Yes I wanted to make one of those airy phone wallpapers vibe kind of shot for this bb 💜 Nyahoooooo managed to finish this just in time RAAAAA #arcane #viktor #otherfandoms

today was really hard but i made it through without major incident

reactivated my alt twt since it was gonna get perma deleted tomorrow and i started thinking "what if i end up wanting it back in a few months". i guess i can just keep it locked and inactive for now, and delete it again if i feel like it

stayed home today because i threw up at night and still feel sick. cleaned my apartment a bit more so i dont feel completely useless. new medication makes me dizzy and sluggish. really hate it

from a technical standpoint im not very good at drawing, some days i get really insecure about that. i want to improve a lot more next year. this year i stagnated a lot because i didnt leave my comfort zone much. i did 150+ finished drawings in 2023, this year... maybe 20 or so

Genuinely powerful words to live by.

maybe the solution to my troubles is to just stylize viktor the way i want even if hes not as recognizable. i just get self concious because hes not a character i came up with, so someone could say my version is wrong

i was finally drawing something decent and the power went out.... i didnt save it..........

i have to hold myself back from just posting about viktor all the time

i think it would be cool to be a wolf. i ate a big juicy steak today awooo because its my dads birthday. he hates birthdays just as much as i do. so hard to keep up with 10 people talking on top of eachother, so i just ate my steak in silence and replied if someone addressed me directly, awoo

ive perfected the art of talking to myself. i dont even have to think of a reply, the words just get beamed into my brain. i cant sleep again because i keep repeating "meow" in my head, meow

today i was learning about human muscle structure so i could draw viktors hexcorized body better. i ended up just getting absorbed in reading about bodyparts and didnt really get any drawing done

some days i wish i was born as a man. i also wish i could work as a concept artist, even though i know i would hate doing art as a job. both of my current favourite foods have mushrooms in them. i hate mushrooms

cant sleep open.spotify.com/track/0lVJIH...

rehab was miserable today. way too noisy. i spent the whole time reading science magazines (learned a lot about bloodletting) and daydreaming. bought a nice sandwich and coffee on the way home. ive been feeling like a withered plant

got a really ridiculous idea for a self portrait drawing from a dream, so ridiculous that i almost feel obligated to draw it now. might just morph it into faust instead depending on the colors i use. i always gravitate to red and blue...

ive been inadvertently falling back to disordered eating habits. all the days are blurring together & im just functioning on autopilot. dont feel like doing anything but i have to or ill freak out

i have 0 friends left in this city. everyone moved or drifted away. im very lonely i think. my days are formulaic. the highlight is when i get back to bed

i wanted a double shot espresso from the store and i ended up missing my bus... had to take another one and walk home. listened to the new twenty one pilots album and really liked it open.spotify.com/track/2BHSRl...

i really really really really just want to die. its always in the back of my mind & it never leaves. im washing my hands with cold water and suddenly realize ive cut again. its an endless cycle and the cycle is all i know

i managed to draw a little yesterday. redrew an old faust piece from 2023 (in the upper left corner)

everything i draw is so soulless. i just cant really do it right now. i know ill go back to creating eventually since its what i always do, but moments like this make me feel so hollow. i saw a dream where frogs and spiders crawled into my nose and ears so maybe im being punished for my bitterness

i survived the bus ride but got off a few stops early by accident and had to walk... i was 15min late........ i didnt get scolded at least

made some bad financial choices and bought a viktor bodypillow and plushie. feeling awesome. rehab again tomorrow and im already anxious about it (mostly the bus)

i cant stand fandoms or fandom culture so i tend to stay in my own peaceful corner. though sometimes i wish i had friends with same interests as me

never kill yourself

song ive really liked recently open.spotify.com/track/5cJpxu...

i did nothing today

saw something that filled me with such a sense of dread and despair that i ended up vomiting. i havent been doing well lately. when i bottle things up for a while, triggers start making me nauseous. ive been too exhausted to even cut myself. i wish there was a less painful way to live

i need to get into the habit of going on walks. i always end up spending my days inside utterly bored and utterly miserable. agoraphobia sucks so bad. today i played gw2 and drew a little. still stuck in artblock blergh