I can't stay up any longer. I don't want to miss it, so wake me up if he dies.

I need to learn about sports betting because I don't think Marco Rubio can run Venezuela and be an effective offensive coordinator for the Washington Commanders while also being the head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

Woke up early only to be disappointed by the obituaries. Here's to tomorrow.

Once you learn that Annie was singing about tomorrow's obituary column, you'll understand.

I don't want to make light of a tragedy, but I've been in a panic all day thinking they were releasing the Juan Epstein files and that my childhood membership in a Welcome Back Kotter fan club would be brought to light.

I'm watching Trump's speech and can't figure out why #Stupidestmanalive isn't trending.

Now that he's in favor of releasing them, I think we're all going to owe Trump an apology when the Juan Epstein files turn out to be a nothing burger.

It takes a brave senate democrat to know they're getting nothing, but tell us they wouldn't settle for less.

Now that it's shorts weather, I'm beginning to regret not trimming my cats' claws but instead filing them to a razor sharpness.

I'm old enough to remember when I shouldn't have to tell CNN to eat a bag of dicks.

As we teeter on the precipitous downslope of Western civilization, I just want to say that the movie Ishtar is underrated and unfairly maligned.

This is my cat Kerby who just got tutored. The vet couldn’t understand why it wasn’t Kirby. I said as in Kerby Joseph, Aaron Rodgers father, it didn’t help.

I just read a treatment for this new remake of the 1997 Air Force one movie, and it seems the writer thinks we are all stupid.