I have salmon thawing in the sink for dinner, but that's not until late, so I'm gonna have to figure out what I'm going to do with my presently growling stomach.

Extremely anxious and my chest hurts so bad. Time to play D/D/R I guess.

My anxiety is so bad today and I'm just trying to keep myself going at work.

Gonna ask my psych this week to take me off ritalin and I'll raw dog my ADHD because idk if my heart can handle ritalin for much longer.

Jake said I did really good with the chicken wings. My self esteem has recovered... for now.

I didn't lock in today haha I'm making chicken wings like a big back. Probably just gonna take my mom's advice and skip breakfast tomorrow and try to get back to IF'ing.

I live a life of constant fear of abandonment. Like what is worthwhile about me? I ask Jake what good I do and he's like "you genuinely like to see people happy" okay that's like bare minimum "good human" behavior tho. Don't I have anything else? He couldn't come up with anything else.

All coffee no water piss be like:

Gonna lock in tomorrow, I promise.

We had texas roadhouse today and I'm definitely sitting at maintenance rn and it's only 12:14.

I had a reasonable amount of taco bell for lunch at 10, but now it's near 2pm and I'm getting hungry again but like idk what to do because I SHOULD cook at home, but I WANT to go out again.

Me: "I could go to Panda and get a plate" Also me: *sees my reflection in the mirror after taking a dump and doesn't hate my body* "No, I'm not fucking this up with fast food."

My hands are shaking so badly

I think I'm gonna watch scary movies as my "Jake's not home" activity. He doesn't like when I watch scary movies while he's home because if I scream it's very triggering to him because his dad was a shouter.

The way I just want to over indulge in shitty foods.

He wasn't mad when he got home. Just tired. This morning was better.

I bothered Jake this morning before his last alarm, and he was annoyed and left the house reluctant to hug me. He hasn't texted me all day OR sent any t1kt0ks. My anxiety is like "Is this abandonment?"

Binged on taco bell teehee

I dropped my favorite glass for milk onto the top rack of the dishwasher a little too hard while loading it and it fucking exploded???? I have a cut on my pinkie that is only as severe as a paper cut, and it's annoying the ever living snot out of me.

Why does my stomach ALWAYS hurt?

We need to snake the kitchen drain so fucking bad but that's a Jake job and he's not going to be home until late today and late tomorrow.

V1ntage St0ck had two parts of the original S4ilor M00n dub on DVD and hell if I wasn't tempted. I have no reason to have it tho since I've got the entirety of the non-censored modern dub now. Apart from the movies.

I rewarded myself with a treat. I went to v1ntage st0ck and got some r3cords and the last S4ilor M00n DVD that I don't have.

I rested for like 20 minutes before I started my workout, but the workout is done now and now I get to shower and feel all nice and clean.

Taking off work early because I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down for a bit and recuperate before doing my workout.

Okay. The agenda for after work: -Vacuum -Kettle bell -Shower -Get a latte -Draw -Eat -Relax with a book

Kettle bell today. No excuses.

Gained 3lbs since June 30th. I need to lock in.

I'm genuinely having such a hard time right now. I have to do housework but my hands are shaking. I have eaten, so that's not the problem.

Took a shit so big that it felt like giving birth. Idk I've never given birth. Anyway, I feel much lighter now.

We all have that one cat that doesn't bury their shit, right?

Good morning. I'm alive and well. I ate like crap over the holiday weekend, but we're gonna be back on track today.

Probably gonna do a fast tomorrow. Undecided.

My stomach is doing such weird shit, and I puked in my mouth just a bit ago, this is not the vibe I'm going for.

Our AC hasn't been running and I've just been sweating for hours thinking "damn, I guess I'm still not recovered from being outside" THE HOUSE IS ONLY 10° COOLER THAN OUTSIDE YOU DINGUS. Anyway, the AC is back on and it should be cool enough by bed time.

I'm uploading the new season of interv1ew w/ the vamp1re to my plex server as if I don't have a shit ton of shows and movies in my server that haven't been watched for years since I downloaded them.

I need a cold fun drink but the only cold fun drink in the house is milk, and that has calories. Coffee and tea are my lower cal fun drink options but HOTTTT UGH.

The only thing keeping me from going to taco bell is that it's 92°F outside rn and the idea of going out into that heat a third time today makes me want to barf.

Decaf monster zero should exist.

2hrs into being home alone. No binging has occurred.

My entire fucking personality rn is taco bell lol

I had really good street tacos today. I still want taco bell.

I had 6oz of salmon for dinner, which is a lot of fish. My stomach feels very full, so I'm hoping that that keeps me satiated.

Jake is gone for the night and doesn't get home until 8pm. I want to binge because I'm home alone, but I can't allow myself to do that.

I'm having another sob fest over feeling like I'm a bad person. I really wonder if I would have these feelings of self hatred if I HADN'T had Romans 3:23 shoved down my throat for my entire childhood and teenage years.

I'm losing weight so slow, this better mean it's going to be sustainable.

I accidentally bought whole chicken wings and not the kinds that are broken apart between drums and flats with the tip discarded, so we're going to be eating like cavemen I guess, because I gave up trying to separate them before cooking them.

We're making chicken wings for "linner".

I made some scrambled eggs with good intentions, but gave them all to Jake because I just can't do eggs.