Birkin, we recognise your great strides as a scientist at Umbrella, and are therefore transferring you to our high-end underground virus research laboratory. Wesker, I don't really like you very much. You're being transferred to the "Information Department", which is what we call the mail room.

At our new Umbrella Training Facility you'll learn everything needed to move into a management role, including: - operating the big clock that unlocks the meeting rooms - fighting cockroaches - collecting tiny statues of good and evil - scrubbing the torture pool - spreadsheets

At our new Umbrella Training Facility you'll learn everything needed to move into a management role, including: - operating the big clock that unlocks the meeting rooms - fighting cockroaches - collecting tiny statues of good and evil - scrubbing the torture pool - spreadsheets

To all staff: please do not make bread in the viral incubators.

i don't care what management says, if the meat gets bigger i'm leaving

If your colleague is coughing up blood, be considerate, kind and professional. Don't assume it's their blood.

January 17th: I am trapped in a storage room on the 3rd floor of Building 2. A zombie has slowly been eating me from the feet up for several days. The good news is I appear to be immune to the T-virus. The bad news is the part I mentioned earlier about a zombie slowly eating me from the feet up.

they asked me if the room was a "wet" kind of problem or an "on fire" kind of problem and i was like "it's both" and they said i have to email my manager first

every time i call a meeting with Albert Wesker he changes the meeting length to 7 minutes and sends me an email with a 23MB JPEG of his face and no text

Happy Valentines Day from the Umbrella Corporation! Employees are reminded that sexual intercourse with colleagues is not recommended. A small percentage of staff at this facility are part of our latest endophallus deflagration trial, likely without their knowledge.

In response to complaints, Umbrella facilities will now have awards for Employee of the Month and Employee of the Month (Posthumous).

Umbrella strongly refutes recent media reports that our bioweapons are "soulless creatures". Roman philosopher Cicero is often seen as the origin of the phrase "eyes are the mirror of the soul". UC64BX series experiments average 13 eyes and peak at 47 eyeballs or light-sensitive skin growths.

okay it turns out if you take the skin off a guy too fast he dies, so i guess i owe Jefferson $5

hi yeah just reporting in from the island... how many tentacles should be coming out of the heads of the villagers? if you say zero i'm going to be so annoyed

Today we say goodbye to Eric Manders, who joined us in the sales department last week. Eric unfortunately failed to find the 32 houses and 12 hotels required for opening the Monopoly door at the end of the B3 corridor.

it's always "hey look, that city Umbrella nuked is on the news again" and never "wow i love this ad for Umbrella's new chewable vitamins for kids six and over, it barely makes me think about nuclear wastelands"

Your recent post "Leon Kennedy? more like Leon Bendin' Me over the table in Lab 16 am I right??" has been removed for violating the following Umbrella Social Guidelines: mentions of individual law enforcement misuse of company property

So hungry you could eat a horse? Try the new Edible Mini-Horse from Umbrella Toronto. We've made horses smaller and juicier than ever before.

The hospital needs more chainsaws. Please contact our chainsaw warehouse immediately.

ok but the last time we had a CEO crash out several cities got hit with nuclear bombs

To test your operational readiness, management have released a Tyrant class BOW into this facility. This is ONLY A TEST, and therefore does not trigger the death and dismemberment clause in your medical coverage.

So hungry you could eat a horse? Try the new Edible Mini-Horse from Umbrella Toronto. We've made horses smaller and juicier than ever before.

Whoever put Kumar's severed head on the east wing gate spike that is NOT FUNNY, Kumar said that's the one thing he didn't want to happen to his head.

don't drink the t-virus, don't bake the t-virus into cookies, don't stick the t-virus up your ass... this company used to be cool, man

rabbit but the ears are mouths [found on a discarded sticky note, unsigned]

its getting a lot harder to secretly supply governments with bioweapons since LinkedIn added "illegal bioweapon expert" to our profile tags

Blue Umbrella CEO Kay Benson would like to assure shareholders she has everything under control, that "waffles are delicious" and that the stockpile of guns in her office is cosmetic. She also noted that she does not hate trans people, stating "some of our best employees recently transformed."

Recently there have been several articles in the media suggesting issues of gender equality at our company. Rest assured that the small but powerful minorty of female and non-binary executives at Umbrella have just as many war crime allegations as their male colleagues.

does mutating with the g-virus make you a furry?

v.hapler (9:55pm): so they dug up the amber with the plagas parasite inside v.hapler (9:56pm): we were all set to extract it for testing v.hapler (9:58pm): but the ground crew messed up earlier tonight and damaged the amber with a wrecking ball v.hapler (10:14pm): it was a resin dent eve L

v.hapler (9:55pm): so they dug up the amber with the plagas parasite inside v.hapler (9:56pm): we were all set to extract it for testing v.hapler (9:58pm): but the ground crew messed up earlier tonight and damaged the amber with a wrecking ball v.hapler (10:14pm): it was a resin dent eve L

licker? i barely even know her! but yeah, in answer to your question, christine WAS killed and eaten

Rollout of Umbrella's new Gem That Makes You Evil has been so successful that we're expanding the range. Soon you will have access to: - Gem That Makes You Good At Sports -Gem That Makes You Hot -Gem That Makes You Respect Your Boss, and -Gem That Makes You Uncontrollably Defecate On Command

can skeleton be a zombie

b.benson: so the fake bee goes on the bee board and unlocks the bee key, but there's a real bee hidden with the key that will sting anyone who takes the key, and the bee is infected... with the t-virus? why y.jas: idk i think we were making honey moisturizer or bee guns or something

Senator, there is nothing strongly linking those creatures to our company; they could have gotten those Umbrella lab coats anywhere.

Tentacles entering the mouth is a staff medical issue, tentacles exiting the mouth is a company property issue

Dr Isaacs, these statements indicate you spent 63% of your operating budget on chandeliers and clone tubes, and that you requested a total write-off for a "slave-powered battle tank"

so it turns out that guy i had lunch with in the lab cafeteria with a few times was ALSO made of leeches #dating #men #STEM

Red herbal remedy (tablet form) has been recently recalled from sale due to a very small percentage of the tablet coating materials containing batrachotoxin. Full refunds are available for customers who do not suffer terminal cardiac arrest.

Thank you for calling the Umbrella Product Services Hotline. Your life is our lifeblood. If you have taken Nuvascol and are experiencing fingertip boils, please press 1.

As of COB on the 30th of June all queer zombies will be incinerated

is leon s kennedy related to john f kennedy

All our employees are flesh and blood, not AI. In fact, many of our staff members have described themselves as having "too much flesh" and stated "please help, there's more every day."

from: Daisy Wendt <[email protected]> re: Hot Desking at Colorado office Whoever used TI-15-045 last, there is a thin film of gritty mucus all over this workstation. Wet wipes are available in every kitchen! Also someone left their dog here (dead).

Due to the increasing risk of viral outbreaks, climate change, workers rights abuses, pandemics and other potentially damaging events, Umbrella will no longer be commissioning risk assessments.

FACILITY COMPROMISED. REMAIN CALM AND AT YOUR ASSIGNED WORKSTATION UNTIL ONE OF OUR PURGE TEAMS ARRIVE TO ASSIST EVACUATION.

Attn: To combat server load problems, 6 minute self-destruct timers will be limited to 2 minutes. Audible self-destruct warnings will now be limited to Umbrella Red subscribers.

Message to Health and Safety (08:47:02 06.14.2003): how am I supposed to [----] know whether my tongue split in two or I grew a new tongue? DOES IT MATTER???

Tomorrow's security code is your manager's birth date plus the number of bees killed in February's bee trials.