“DNP Employee Handbook - Section B We care about our relationship with the public immensely. Our PR managers are some of the most trusted experts in the field, and we rely on them to keep our image as squeaky clean as possible. Where would we be if not for the PR managers?” Meet Kotozaki!

“DNP Employee Handbook - Section A The executives are the face of this company. While you, the employees, are invaluable assets, the executives are the ones people see. They have the best PR training we can give them. Please show them respect, even if they can be a bit much at times.” Meet Newton!

“Breaking news! At a press conference today, the CTO of Definitely Not Professionals was found making some quite shocking comments. The words used were so upsetting and vile that we’ve been told not to repeat them here. More on this at 11.”

“DNP Employee Handbook - Section B If you find your surroundings to be unsafe or dangerous, please report to the nearest safety manager. It’s their job to ensure everything is in order and that everyone has proper training on any equipment they use. You can trust them with anything.” Meet skeou!

Somebody ought to take a look at some of these reports….

“DNP Employee Handbook - Section E The customer is always right. We at Definitely Not Professionals believe this without a doubt. We provide our customers with the best service possible, and it is important you hold customer satisfaction above all else.” Meet LOgN!

Definitely did not do a takeover to correct smth - ✈️

"and your bleach blond, melty liner, and cakey foundation is commenting on my hairclip instead of making effort to do a search party to find your "living breathing grandma" THAT YOU ABANDONED YOURSELF ON THE PLANE!! smh"

Valued employee, "Rat Race" featuring Gahata Meiji is now available on streaming services. Please see the attached link for more information. Thank you, Management big-up.style/3MGYs3A8q4?w...

“DNP Employee Handbook - Section C It is important you come in to the office with a smile on your face. A good attitude has been proven to boost morale among your peers. Always be sure to keep up a positive face and you will surely find success at this company.” Meet Ashe!

For your perusal… Please look after these, they’re pretty important!

Important update: we have a YouTube channel now! You can expect to find all future DNP uploads here. We appreciate all of the support we’ve received so far. Thank you! #defnopro youtube.com/@definitelyn...

Attention all employees, Reminder that our office potluck is tomorrow. Please join us at 5:00 PM EST at www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QAz..., and don't forget to bring food! Thank you, Management #vocagathering2026

Quick update: the instrumental as well as the USTx/SVP files for Rat Race are available for download! You can find them here: drive.proton.me/urls/BGNYMYN... #defnopro

Employee appreciation day! Here's the reference sheet for Gahata Meiji as she appears in "Rat Race". 🎨 - skeou 👗 - skeou, Ashe #defnopro

Thank you to everyone who showed up for the potluck! It was a grand success. We at Definitely Not Professionals appreciate all of your support.

Starting in 1 hour!

Attention all employees, Reminder that our office potluck is tomorrow. Please join us at 5:00 PM EST at www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QAz..., and don't forget to bring food! Thank you, Management #vocagathering2026

Whatever could he be listening to?

No use crying over spilled coffee!

A portrait

Valued employee, We hope this email finds you well. We will be having a (voca)gathering on March 14th. It will be a potluck, so you are encouraged to bring food. We will also be showing “Rat Race” featuring our office clerk, Gahata Meiji. We hope to see you there. Thank you, Management