made a list of stress management skills and ways to help keep me from avoidance cycles with my therapist. i’m still not feeling good about next semester though..

i have the constant feeling that i shouldn’t be alive always in the back if my head!!!

i feel like i have no reason to live without my boyfriend. i have my family but it’s easy to convince myself they’ll be better off without me.

i hate the 4th of july, i keep thinking about all the scared animals :(

i NEED to learn stress management skills. the problem is when i get stressed, i lose motivation and stop caring and i don’t know how to manage that.

classes i’m taking in the fall: chemistry (scary) calculus (i’m on the waitlist) (scary) psychology of personality (yipee) social psychology (yipee) not too bad! i hope!

safe to say i did not open up to them lol! i feel so different from them, there’s just something wrong with me and they can’t understand.

my friend teaches swim lessons and she was talking about one little boy who cried trying to swim and she said she taught kids way younger who were tougher than him. as a kid, i was too scared to even try to swim. i’m still too scared to put my head underwater. i’m more sensitive than that kid!

going out for dinner with my friends tonight, i think i might open up to them about how i feel so far behind in life and like a failure. i don’t know if they’ll be able to relate or not but my therapist suggested i talk to them about it.

how am i going to cope when my friends have graduated and i’m still at college? i desperately need some friends that need to take more time like me

i wish i could just leave this world and be at peace but i have to keep struggling through everyday for the people that love me

i ended up cutting and told bf and he called my mom. they both told me they’re disappointed in me but it helped me calm down and kept me from doing anything worse so i’m not disappointed in myself

i’ll be okay

i’m so worthless and there’s no reason for me to be alive

i have to reschedule an appointment bc nobody can drive me and i can’t drive myself and i have to pay the rescheduling fee. and i’m scared to call and reschedule.

i haven’t heard anything back yet so i’m guessing i’m not getting an interview :( it’s really hard to find jobs that i can actually do because i get overwhelmed so easily. maybe i should try to toughen up and apply for somewhere else

i want to be vegetarian and i’d like to think that it would make a difference but bf says it won’t affect anything bc the same amount of meat will be produced whether i eat it or not

i identified as a trans man for awhile a couple years ago and then realized i’m not a man. and now i went back to presenting very feminine (because many complicated reasons) but i am NONBINARY and it hurts that i will only ever be viewed as a woman

my sister was going to pick me up halfway home but she said i have to drive back and i just can’t do it. my mom’s birthday is tomorrow and i don’t want to miss it but i really can’t do that drive

idk suicide has been on my mind lately but i know i’m too much of a pussy to actually go through with it i feel pathetic

my therapist asked me if i want to look into spravato. i’m definitely open to the idea but idk i’m not currently in a depressive episode and i feel like i’m taking away resources from someone who needs it more than i do

okay my medication was delivered and my dad is driving me all the way to bf’s house all is well

well i forgot to call in my medication (again) so i can’t go today bc it won’t be delivered until this afternoon. i am really forgetful about refilling my medication and it’s costed my parents extra money to get it delivered in time. i’m really an idiot.

i have to take a train to go see bf tomorrow morning, i’ve never travelled alone and i’m scared

i really wasn’t created to live in this world, dying now will save me a lot of pain and suffering

i have to take a video of myself doing the sun salutations for my yoga class. it’s really not hard at all but it’s making me so nervous for some reason. i’m literally stressing over one easy assignment omg.

i thought we were past this but my bf keeps worrying he doesn’t have the biggest dick out of all of my boyfriends and i can’t do anything to help

/ sh i always feel like i have to prove that i’m suffering by hurting myself badly enough. and i thought having to get stitches a couple years ago would be enough. but now i feel it wasn’t bad enough.

i’m so anxious because i thought about school for a minute 😭 my psychiatrist doubled my anxiety meds so it better work

/ sh she was very nice about it btw! i told her i cut myself a couple days ago too. lowk was trying to slit my wrist (didn’t tell her that part) but once again i could not do it

i’m so anxious for therapy i don’t want to see my therapist and tell her i didn’t even try the midterm

just submitted a job application to work at my college i’m so scared

this feeling always comes back again and again and it will keep coming back and i’ll have to keep fighting it forever

life just goes on and on…

i wish i could kill myself but how can i do it in a way that won’t traumatize someone else when they find my body? i’m also scared of pain so like wtf am i supposed to do,,

mom says if i keep withdrawing from classes, i’ll have to start paying my parents back for the classes. which is fair. i just get so overwhelmed so easily and i can’t handle stress. i hate myself so much right now

i want to get a cbd vape but bf says i have to ask my parents before he will buy me one bruh i am 20

i still haven’t actually withdrawn from my spanish class and i haven’t been turning in anything for my yoga class wtf is wrong with me

i have done nothing all day because i literally have nothing to do. my friends are busy and so is my family. i need a job…

my therapist had to kick me out while i was crying because she had another appointment after mine. i know she can’t do anything about that but it still hurt a little…

there was a wasp trapped in my room and my mom just said she found it dead in my room. this wasp is very symbolic of my stress..feeling trapped, avoiding my problems, etc. and now withdrawing from the class coincidences with the wasp’s death.

i feel like i work twice as hard as the average person and only get half as much accomplished

i hate giving up and letting my fear win i feel like a failure and of course everyone thinks i should have tried to do the exam and they’re right and i hate myself

i have a car and half a tank of gas maybe i should just drive as far away as i can

my therapist is really pushing me to try the midterm and not let my fear win. but i just can’t and i just emailed my professor saying i need to withdraw.

my heart is racing thinking about my class and emailing my teacher and driving to therapy my chest hurts

i think i’m going to drop my spanish class. i haven’t done any work in a week and my midterm is tomorrow morning. i’m going to talk with my therapist about it first.

i had a panic attack driving to the store on sunday with bf, why is my driving anxiety so bad again?

didn’t attend class or do any homework again…i feel so apathetic

i feel so sad and i want it to stop