I think I speak for the entire world of outside observers when I say: please please please please please vote for Option B

In bed by 20.00 on a Saturday. I am WILD.

I have four hours in Schiphol today and I'm wondering what I've done in a previous life to deserve this

I think I want a new job in a new industry in a new city

Ironic that I, the least Christmassy person in the world, get winter work trips to German cities with massive Christmas markets

Did you know? Black Friday is named in honor of Rebecca Black, who invented Friday in 2011.

I hope the chancellor has personally visited every waspi woman to inform them of the budget so they don't miss anything.

Lads I've fucked up and got my flight departure time wrong by half an hour and suddenly I'm arriving 50 minutes before my flight instead of 1:20

Not to brag, but I look fucking disgusting

Was told by five separate people today that I do not look 32, and I shall be dining out on that for a while.

Whitney Houston really was great huh

Seductive to a cow: hey baby, wanna let me see your

Since 2010, fuel duty has gone down by 7.7% - 63.6pp below inflation, while train tickets are now 62.9% more expensive - 7pp above inflation.

My handsome colleague is leaving. What's the point in living?

Thinking of his one true love (the novel coronavirus) at this difficult time

I endorse Jules' endorsement

Nobody: My brain: Highland Regiment. BRITISH ARMY! We will keep our union together in the name of Jesus!

We must go to war with Germany over how expensive medicine is here

JUDGE: How do you plead? ME: Your Honor, I invoke my Third Amendment rights. JUDGE: Don't you mean the Fifth Amendment? ME: No, Your Honor, the Third. I don't want any soldiers quartered in my apartment. At least not until I get the chance to clean up. It's a mess.

Manchester United, they never let you dow when you need a pick me up

Well, yes, that is rather the problem?

Everyone knows football isn't for nancies ffs

One day I really should actually go to Amsterdam instead of just using its airport

Darlington has of course only been a shithole devoid of infrastructure and hope for half a decade

do you have any idea how much you have to piss somebody off to make them change their gauge

A tax on international student university fees is an absolutely hilariously terrible policy idea.

Today I get the thrill I've only ever had twice before in my life, connecting flights where they both use the same plane. Even more thrilling, I'm in the same seat both times as well.

Various things the last few weeks I think have made me realise I really haven't processed one of my best friends' death a few years ago. It feels really dumb to basically be at step one three years later but genuinely I have zero idea what I'm supposed to do.

FIFA only allocating 8% of "purchasable inventory" in each game to the teams actually playing is pitiful. Gianni Infantino is committed to ruining football in the pursuit of as much money as possible.

Might become a LinkedInfluencer but using Instagram tactics. "Hey everyone, come with me to my networking event as I navigate business situations and build my network"

Applied for a job, got the job, didn't suck at it, am terrified to change industries in case I do suck at it.

Have I ever listened to Hey Jude by The Beatles? Absolutely not. It's addressed to Jude, not me. What about Annie's Song by John Denver? Nope. Not my song so none of my business. Everyone should treat the private communications of musicians with the same level of respect as I do.

Mamma Mia 2 is on STV and the most relatable scene in cinema remains that bit where young Donna sings "all my friends at school" in a crowded room and literally two people stand up.

I don't often think I'm morally superior to people, but I definitely think I'm several levels above people who go to North Korea on holiday.

Just looked up what felching is and I feel sick and demand the annihilation of the human race

*taps sign*

Earlier today, I was notified that someone was at my door. This is who it was:

This serves you all right for believing in cricket

"unexpected"

Disgusted how many people I follow seem to believe in 'cricket'

Have they released the Christmas dates for 2026, yet?

Ah ScotRail, my mortal enemy every few months

Suddenly feel very unsettled here and am considering moving again but don't know where to

Mario Kart is all well and good until you're trying for three stars and someone fucks you over on the last corner of race four

"US-Russia proposal" in this case seems to be code for Ukrainian capitulation

Been told at work that I should set up a LinkedIn and I think I'd rather die

Either the driving test is rigorous enough to produce safe drivers or it isn't. There's no more to it.

Yes I have downloaded the new Jude Bellingham app